Sunday, August 22, 2010

Good News Turned Devastating

Saturday July 31st, I received a vm from the nurse at the RE's office.  She said she received the results of my b/w and that she hated to leave the results on vm.  She said my HCG came back positive, but the level was low indicating that I would miscarry.  She said over the next few days I would start to bleed and I would have to get a few more blood tests done to make sure everything was out of my system.  She said she was really sorry and that unfortunately this happens sometimes.  I was so devastated, but glad that she left the vm because I was able to let DH listen to it.  I don't know if I would have been able to tell him.  I was crying so hard.  I was so upset by that news.  I can't believe our prayers were answered, I was pregnant, but then our prayers were shattered and I was miscarrying.  To know that you are pregnant (or were) and just waiting to miscarry is such a terrible feeling.  Actually I didn't and still don't know how to feel about it.  They say it is an early miscarriage and most women don't even know about it.  They just think they are having a late period that month.  I wondered if that is what had been happening to us every month, but am pretty sure that it hadn't been the case now.  It is called a chemical pregnancy because it was only verified by b/w and not u/s (at least that's what I read). For some reason, this terminology makes me feel like it is not a real pregnancy / not a real loss.

Sunday August 1st, we had tickets to a ballgame.  Of course, I didn't want to go, but for DH's and DD's sakes felt I just needed to suck it up.  The worst thing was that I started bleeding right before we left.  Before the bleeding started I was holding out hope and praying that I would not bleed and end up finding out everything was going to be OK.  After I started bleeding, of course I lost the hope and just felt sad.  I told my niece about what happened and she was sad and supportive about it.  DH hasn't really said much about it so I really don't know how he feels about it.  He has been supportive.  My flow was heavy and crampy.

I called the RE's office on Monday, the 2nd.  They said that I would need to have at least 1 more blood test and scheduled it for Thursday the 5th.  She said the RE wanted us to take a break this month and that we could start TTC again after my next period.  She said that the good thing is we know we are on the right track.  A good friend that also has PCOS contacted me and I told her about what happened.  She has been very supportive, sending text messages, offering to babysit DD, offering to bring dinner over and sending me a very sweet card.  My niece and I told my mom about the miscarriage on Tuesday.

I was feeling pretty down until Wednesday.  Not only struggling with my feelings regarding the miscarriage, but then thinking about DD.  Somehow, she thought she was getting a baby brother.  Now what do I tell her?  I really felt like a failure that I couldn't give her a sibling.  By Wednesday, I was starting to feel a little better.  Thursday I went to have another HCG done and it came back negative.  The RE's office said to call them when I have my next period so we can start TTC again (if that's what we want to do) and to make sure we use contraception this month (just in case).  Saturday the 7th, we went by my sister's house and she said my niece told her what happened and that she is there for me if I ever want to talk about it.  I have received a lot of support from the few that know what is going on and it is very much appreciated.  AF lasted about 5 days, but came back 1 more day for spotting. 

I have avoided writing this post for so long because I am still confused and unsure of how I feel about it all. I have been trying to figure it out.  My belief is that life begins at conception, so this is a life that I have lost.  Right?  I think part of the issue is I wonder if I have any right to grieve.  I have read and heard stories about women having miscarriages after seeing their baby in an u/s or even women well into their 3rd trimester.  Surely they deserve to grieve more than me, right?  I didn't get to see my baby at all.  As soon as I found out for sure I was pregnant, I found out I was losing the baby.  

I have always heard that it is good to have the nauseous and sickness feelings because it means your pregnancy is strong.  That is a bunch of BS.  I had all those symptoms and feelings and it didn't mean a darn thing.  I still lost my baby.  Up until Saturday night I had some of the symptoms.  It seems like such a sick joke, all of it.  The symptoms, knowing of the positive blood test. 

I keep trying to tell myself to look at the positives.  At least I have been pregnant twice.  Once resulting in a beautiful healthy baby (my 3.5 year old).  And that it was for the best for this baby.  I have read that there was probably some type of chromosome abnormality and it was for the best. 

Not only have I been sad about the miscarriage, but then to have to bench this month< I was not happy about that.  I have actually come to grips with that part though.  I have actually told myself this is all for the best.  DD started school this month.  School ends in May. If we end up getting to start TTC in September, and get pregnant, the baby would be due sometime in June.  This would work out great because DD would be out of school and get to spend a few months home with me and the baby.  I really would like for her to get to be home with us for a few months before returning to school.   It feels weird writing this.  Almost like it is disrespectful to the baby I lost. 

Yesterday DD was playing with her cousin (who is around her age).  Her cousin said something about DD's brother.  I said DD doesn't have a brother.  She said well DD said she had a brother.  That almost made me cry.  Does DD know something that I didn't get to know?

All the Symptoms

Friday July 23rd, I took a HPT and received a BFN.  I had been craving chips and cheese dip pretty much all week, itchy boobs, pains in right and left ovaries, angry and hormones just raging. Thursday and Friday, I had heartburn.  I was having pains in my vaginal area, feeling nauseous, having food aversions (hardly anything sounded good to me), yet very hungry, and when I did find something that appealed to me I wanted to eat! I was also getting the urge to buy baby stuff / boy clothes.  I was also having problems with smells getting to me and having hot flashes. I took another HPT on Friday July 30th and received another BFN.  I called the RE's office and the nurse said I should've started my period by Wednesday the 28th, so they wanted me to go that morning to take a blood test for HCG level.  Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go that morning, but did go that afternoon.  That was an event going to the lab.  DH and DD went with me.  DD was acting up and kept playing with the water cooler and there was a little bit of a wait (which is not normal at this lab).  She spilled water on the table so DH took her outside.  Not long after they went outside, did they come back in because DH was stung by something and it hurt.  The spot was red and he was feeling his arm go numb a bit.  He was finally feeling better and I finally was able to go in to get my blood drawn.  The nurse from the RE's office called that afternoon / evening and said she wasn't able to get the results since I went in that afternoon. She said I would hear from them by Monday.

It was weird because DD was telling my niece and my mom that she was going to have a brother on July 28th.  Then on the 29th, she drew me a picture and said "Dear Mommy, thank you for having me a baby brother."  I was in shock and looked at my mom.  That's when she told me that DD told her and my niece the night before she was going to have a brother.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Sperm Smuggler

I had my first IUI for this cycle on July 10th.  As I was carrying the specimen into the ARS / RE's office, I felt as though I was smuggling something.  That morning when DH saw me take the cup with his specimen and put it in my pants (to keep it next to my body), he laughed.  I guess I'm a Sperm Smuggler!  Anyway, I waited about 45 minutes in the waiting room for the sperm to be washed and cleaned.  Kathy was my nurse for this IUI round.  She said they got a good sample.  She said something like 5 or 50 million sperm or something like that.  I can't remember because of the pain that came soon after.  It hurt!  It hurt bad.  I was already really sore and in pain with my ovaries and then to have this catheter being put up me was no fun.  She said that part of the pain was the catheter hitting the wall because it had to curve to get to the uterus and the other part of the pain had to do with overstimulation and having a lot going on in my body.  It hurt much worse than the IUI from my last cycle.  It took everything in me not to jump off the table, but I just reminded myself why I was there and what the end goal would be (hopefully).  I definitely had a dialogue with God while on the table during the IUI and afterwards while I lay still hoping and praying and begging God that this works this time.  I came home and took a nap. 

Monday the 12th, I went in for the second IUI this cycle.  Once again I smuggled sperm into the ARS / RE's office.  It took about 40 minutes for them to wash and clean the sperm this round. I had a different nurse.  She said it was another good sample.  I actually had no pain with this procedure and it seemed over and done with so quick.  As I was laying on the table I did feel some pain, cramping and / or twitching.  As I lay on the table afterwards, I had a talk with God.  This talk was different.  Of course I was praying that this was our cycle.  That this was it, but something definitely felt different.  Later in the day, I was more crampy / twitchy than I was with the other IUI this cycle and last cycle.    

Tuesday the 13th I started taking Prometrium 100mg 3 times / day.  By the end of the day, it typically knocks me out.  Also something that is a little TMI, we also BD near my ovulation time too.  Hoping that one of those little guys would make their way up there and find their way in one way or another.

Friday, I forgot to get my b/w for my progesterone level done.  The lab was closed on Saturday.  I couldn't believe I forgot.  I remembered that I needed to go Thursday night and by Friday it completely slipped my mind.  Since about Wednesday, I have been having a pain in my boob area.  I have been having horrible back pain and been extremely fatigued. Thursday night DH made some popcorn and the smell of the oil made me sick, nauseous sick. Friday, I had pain in my lower abdomen.  Friday evening, I had pain in my upper stomach and was nauseous by the smell of peanut butter.  My stomach was kind of hard (but not from constipation). I have had diarrhea or gastro issues like gas (sorry TMI).  I have been extremely forgetful too. As I said I forget to get my b/w done, I have been mixing up dates for things in my calendar, can't remember one thing from the next and even put my pants on backwards (thankfully they were my pj bottoms).

I called the ARS / RE's office about forgetting to get my b/w done and Kim (the nurse) told me that it is  timed with the Ovidrel, so it would be too late to get it done.  She said not to worry about it because I am already taking Prometrium.

Monday night I was very emotional, crying over everything.  What first got me started was my stomach.  It was so nauseous.  Then I started crying because I couldn't figure out when DD's first day of school was.  Then DH told me my pj bottoms were on backwards and I started crying all over again.  Last night I couldn't sleep and was crying over DD going to school and anything else I could think of.  I have also been a little bit snippy, blunt or to the point more quickly with people.  I have also noticed more CM, frequent urination, extreme nauseous, insomnia, fatigue and hair loss.  I don't know what these symptoms are all from.  It could be from the Metformin, the Prometrium or because I have PCOS. Or it could and I am hoping it is because I am pregnant.  I have been wanting to shout it out that I am pregnant.  I don't know if it's because my body knows I am (already) or if it's because I am crazy and just being too optimistic / hopeful.  I did feel like that when I was pregnant with DD, so here's hoping.  I have also been counting my possible due date which would be early to mid April. DH counted it out too and we compared the due dates we came up with.  DH and I have been talking about names and the possibility of twins and when we would tell family.  The other day DD told me I was going to have a baby soon.  She has always talked about wanting a brother or a sister, mainly a sister, but to tell me I was going to have a baby soon kind of freaked me out.  She seems so sure.  We do not tell her about what is going on with our struggle TTC.  When she asks about having a sibling, we tell her to pray to Jesus about it.

Because of all the symptoms I'm having and because I am kind of driving myself crazy this cycle, I am going to test on Friday and then again the following Friday unless AF has reared her ugly head.

So once again, I am asking for prayers that this will be our cycle.  This IUI business is not cheap even with insurance paying for some of it.  So far I think we owe / have paid about $1000 for the 2 cycles we have done with the ARS / RE.  I realize that for some couples that is nothing compared to their struggle with TTC, but to us that is pretty expensive.  We live on 1 pretty minor income.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Out with the Old, In with the New

I tested on June 24th and got a BFN.  I called the ARS / RE's office and talked with the nurse.  She said they wanted me to go in for a pregnancy blood test to make sure. So I went in the next day.  She called me later that day with the results.  They were negative.  My progesterone level was good and she said the next time around they are going to start Prometrium 4 days after I ovulate.  She said to call when AF appears in full cycle to schedule appointments for the next cycle.  AF visited for a short visit that night, then went away until Sunday.  I called the office on Monday thinking they were going to have me come in that day, but they said that since AF wasn't a full flow until Sunday they would consider Sunday as CD1, so my appointment (u/s) was scheduled for Tuesday morning.  Tuesday, June 29th, I went in for my CD3 u/s.  I was a little taken aback by the u/s tech's first words to me.  She came in and said "aren't you supposed to be pregnant by now?"  I knew she was just joking and didn't mean anything harmful by it, but it made me a little uncomfortable and stung a bit.  Then she looked at the chart and saw it was only my 2nd month (2nd cycle) with them.  She said that I had some good things going last cycle - good lining, made a follicle big enough and I ovulated.  She started the u/s.  She said that I shed my lining, had no residual fluid and lots of eggs / follicles.  I met with the nurse and she gave me a calendar with the details of the plan for this cycle.  My plan for this cycle: Clomid for 5 days starting on June 29th.  Follistim injection on July 5th.  OPK on the 7th and 8th.  U/s on the 9th.  Ovidrel injection timed with ovulation.  IUI (2 rounds) timed with ovulation.  Start Prometrium 4 days after ovulation / Ovidrel injection.  Progesterone b/w one week after Ovidrel injection. The plan this time is similar in that I had the CD3 u/s, took Clomid for 5 days starting on CD3 and have a Progesterone b/w 1 week after ovulation.  It differs from last time because this time I will get Follistim injection instead of Gonal F and I receive it on CD9 where as I had the Gonal F injection on CD13.  I will also start Prometrium 4 days after ovulation. 

I started Clomid for 5 days that evening.  Instead of Gonal F, I had to purchase Follistim.  I received that injection on the 5th (CD9) in the back of my upper right arm.  Man, that injection stung and burned going in and even afterwards for a bit.  I was glad I went in to have the nurse give me the injection instead of trying to do it myself.  I don't know if I could've done it myself.  I took an OPK on Wednesday and Thursday with negative results for surge.  This morning when I went in for my u/s, I was having terrible pain and pulling below my stomach.  I told the u/s tech and she said something must be happening. I was actually fearful that I had ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (ohs).  Well thankfully that's not what the pain was.  My lining was 7.6, I had no residual fluid and 4 follicles that she measured in my Left ovary.  They measured 25.5, 19, 16 and 10.5.  In my right ovary, I had 2 follicles that she measured.  They measured 15 and 10.5.  I was very excited about this news.  I can't believe all the follicles that are at a good size.  The tech said they measure any follicle over 10, but that they didn't expect the 10.5 ones to do anything.  She said the follicle that measures 16 (in my left ovary) and the one that measures 15 (in my right ovary) could still get bigger, so we couldn't discount them.  The tech said that is the reason I am having so much pain.  She said that I should just take it easy.  After the u/s, I saw the nurse.  She said that they had to go over my risk for multiples and make sure I wanted to proceed since I have 3 good size follicles in my left ovary.  She also made it clear that just because I have 3 good size follicles, nothing could still happen.  I told her I understood and wanted to go ahead with the plan.  She gave me the Ovidrel injection.  I must just be a wimp because that burned going in, too.  I have an IUI scheduled for tomorrow and Monday.  I start the Prometrium on Tuesday and go for a Progesterone b/w on Friday. 

Thursday, June 24, 2010

IUI, Post-Ov Ultrasound and Progesterone Bloodwork

Sorry I haven't posted an update about the IUI.  I guess I have just been trying not to think about it much and trying to focus on other things so I don't drive myself crazy.  June 10th, I went in for the IUI with DH's specimen in a cup tucked inside my clothes so that I could keep it close to my body (that's what they suggested I do).  The IUI was about 10 minutes long.  The nurse brought in the tube with the sperm and said there were lots of sperm in the specimen I brought in.  Yeah!!  She showed me the tube.  It was cloudy looking.  She said that was good and means there are lots of sperm in there.  She brought out a long thin needle thing, which is what she used to inject the sperm in me.  The procedure was fine except for when she hit my uterus.  We were talking and I stopped in mid-sentence.  She asked if I felt discomfort.  I said yes.  She said that she must have hit my uterus and needed me to tell her if I felt any discomfort  because she can't tell how far she has injected it / if she is hitting the uterus.  After the procedure, I layed on the table for about 5 minutes before I left.  I felt some pressure in my vaginal area, but other than that felt OK. 

I was pretty tired.  DD and I took a 3+ hour nap.  It was great! 

I went in the next day (June 11th) for a post ovulation u/s.  The tech said my lining was now at an 11.  Good!  She could also tell that an egg was released because there was fluid.  She said we had done everything we can up to that point.  She said 2 weeks after I had the Ovidrel, I can take a test.  She did warm me about taking it too early though, to avoid getting another BFN.  I am to call when I receive a BFP or if AF visits. 

DH and I drank a bottle of one of our favorite wines (because hopefully soon I won't be drinking any for about 9-10 months) and he toasted "to our growing family."  That was such a sweet toast!  I loved it and I love him.

June 15th I went in for b/w to check my progesterone level.  The nurse called the next day with the results.  She said my level was a little low.  They like it to be at least 20 and mine was at 13 (which was no surprise since my ob/gyn diagnosed me with LPD).  They want me to take 100mg of Prometrium 3 times per day.  She said that I should call the office by the 25th, unless I receive a BFP before that (then I need to call right away).  If I get a BFN and no visit from AF, they are going to do b/w.  I plan on testing today actually (the 24th).

Since then it has just been a waiting game and I have been trying to focus on other things and not think too much about it.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

PostCoital Test

Wednesday I woke up with a horrible back ache.  It ached all day.  I went to the ARS' office for the postcoital test.  I guess I have been in the office enough, I didn't even have to check in. As soon as I walked in the door, the receptionist waved to me.  They were running late, about 30 minutes.  This was the first time I have ever had to wait.  It was no big deal.  Things / emergencies, non-emergencies come up.  The doctor was actually not in.  He was in Portland and then heading to San Diego for a conference.  After the nurse called my name and took me to the exam room and after undressing from the waist down, while I was sitting on the table, I noticed a very long pair of scissors on the exam table.  Actually I wasn't sure at that point if they were scissors or what they were.  They looked like scissors and I was kind of starting to freak out.  I almost took a picture of the instrument, but didn't want the nurse to walk in and see me bare butt taking a picture of this instrument.  The nurse came in and we started talking about the instrument.  She said that they probably shouldn't have put it out on the exam table first because it might have freaked me out.  I told her that I was a little scared of it.  She said that the exam would feel similar to a pap smear.  She said that she would stick the scissor-like instrument up me to get samples (4 of them) of my CM.  It didn't really hurt per say, but was uncomfortable and definitely lasted longer than a pap smear (at least any I have ever had).  She said that I had plenty of CM, which was good because sometimes when women take Clomid it messes / depletes their CM.  She took the 4 slides in to look at.  When she came back, I could tell that the news wasn't the best.  She said that my CM looks good, but there aren't as many sperm as they like to see swimming around.  She said they like to see 5-10 and only saw maybe 2-3.  The nurse said that at this point we could do 2 things: 1) could do IUI the next day and then continue with the plan or 2) continue with the plan.  She explained what IUI was - DH collects his sample in a container at home no more than an hour before my appointment.  I bring the sample to the office and they clean and select the "perfect" sperm which takes 45-50 minutes then they use a catheter to insert the sperm into me.  She said that this procedure costs $250.  She said normally for an IUI cycle, they would do it 2 times per each cycle, but since I had the postcoital test this cycle, we could only do it 1 time.  She said that there is a possibility (small) that I could get pregnant with the 2-3 sperm that are there and that it was up to us. She said if I thought DH and I would be at all interested to go ahead and schedule it and that I could always cancel it.  DH said that we should go through with it.  So in a little over 6 hours, he will collect a sample and then I will take it to the ARS' office and the IUI procedure will be started. 

I have to say when the nurse said that there wasn't enough sperm in the CM, I had mixed feelings. Part of me was like what, I can't believe that about my man.  Then I was almost relieved that this wasn't all my "fault".  Then I was kind of scared and unsure of what to do / think next.  DH said after I told him the news, he felt depressed at first.  He said that he started thinking "It's because I'm overweight."  "It's because I drink too much diet coke."  "It's because of the underwear I wore growing up."  Then he said that he told himself "Why should I do this to myself, I didn't think this way about DW when we thought it was issues with her?"  I told him that he has a glimpse of what I feel like every day.  Now he knows (kind of) what I feel like and how I feel.  The truth is it is not my fault or his fault.  I don't know why my body won't ovulate (regularly) on it's own and why he had low sperm count / numbers in the CM.  I don't know if we will ever know.  Maybe it is something that we did or are doing, but maybe it isn't.  Maybe that's just the way it is and no matter what we did or do, it will still be the same.  I know that God is preparing our hearts for a 2nd child.  When we are ready He will bless us with that wonderful gift.  It's on His terms and time table.  All we can do is pray to Him and keep loving each other.  We definitely can't blame each other or ourselves.

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

That's Your Baby Maker and Ovidrel Injection

I used the OPK on Sunday and Monday and had no surge, so I called the ARS' office to schedule an u/s.  I was a little (OK, quite) disheartened that I hadn't received a surge.  I went to the u/s yesterday, which was CD16, and got great news!  While the tech was doing the vaginal u/s, she first checked my lining.  She said that it was looking good and was at a 10.  She said they like it to be 8 and above.  She then checked my uterus and checked for any fluid (which could have been left over indicating we missed my ovulation). Thankfully there was no fluid.  She viewed my right ovary and found a lot of small follicles.  Then viewed my left ovary and found the Baby Maker (as she referred to it).  She measured the biggest follicle and it was at 21 1/2!  Anything 18 and above is good.  I was so happy and excited when she told me how big it was.  She said that one is going to be your Baby Maker.  You can get dressed and go up to the front.  As I got off the u/s table and started to get dressed, I got so anxious, excited, happy, emotional, nervous, scared, etc that I started to cry.  I got a hold of myself, but was shaking a little.  I was so scared going into that appointment that things weren't going to progress.  I was feeling something going on inside, but didn't know what.  I guess I was feeling my body getting ready to ovulate!  I saw the nurse and she said that basically now they give me the Ovidrel injection, DH and I should get together that night or the next morning, come in on Wednesday for a post coital test, post ovulation u/s on Friday and progesterone b/w next Tuesday.  She gave me the Ovidrel injection in my right upper arm.  It stung a bit.  Needles are just unpleasant going into the body (at least for me).  I scheduled my appointments and left. 

Later, I was thinking that no matter what happens I thank God for getting me this far.  Knowing that my body (with the help of medication) has gotten to this point is somewhat of a relief to me.  Don't get me wrong, my ultimate joy will be when I hear those beautiful words: "you're pregnant!" and then of course when we hear our beautiful baby make his/her first cries / sounds! 

I am pretty nervous about the post coital test this afternoon.  I hope that everything is good and doing what they are supposed to be doing.  As stupid as this may sound, I just want to know when the ARS / nurse / u/s tech can tell us if we are pregnant.  I am not sure how much longer we have to wait to find out.  Then I think about twins / multiples.  Twins run in both of our families.  In my family both of my parents have twins in their family.  Then the Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel run the "risk" of multiples.  So does all of that multiply our chances of having multiples?!?  First I think, well I only have one follicle that is big enough to produce a mature egg, but then I am reminded that the egg can split to form twins, too. 

If you can't tell, I am a very impatient person.  I try to be more patient.  I try to be patient and listen to what God is trying to tell me or teach me during the waiting, but it's hard for me.  I feel like I have been patient long enough.  Yes, I understand that to some people TTC for 8 or 9 months is not very long.  I know that many have been trying for years and years.  I can't imagine that.  I don't know what I would do or will do if that is how long our journey is.  I know that things are in God's hands.  I have to put my trust in Him and know that His plan is what is best for me.

If you have a chance to say a little prayer for me and that the tests in the upcoming days all come up good and we get a positive result soon, I would really appreciate it. 

Sunday, June 6, 2010

CD13 Ultrasound and Gonal F Injection

The (mail order) pharmacy that the ARS's office uses is great.  They have called me several times - 1st to confirm the script, date I needed it and get insurance and payment info, 2nd to see if I received the med and 3rd to make sure the order was correct.  And best of all the Ovidrel injection came the day it was supposed to and it was correct.

The OPKs were negative for a surge on the 3rd and 4th (CD11 and CD12).  I went in for my appointment on the 5th.  The u/s showed 2 follicles on my left ovary and 1 on my right ovary.  There was only 1 on my left that measured enough to be able to use.  The tech said it was at a 14 and they like to see it at 18.  She said it would probably get there in a couple of days.  Then I had an appointment with the nurse.  She said for me to continue doing the OPKs the next few days.  If I get a surge I am to inject myself with the Ovidrel.  If I do not show a surge by the 7th, I need to call them to schedule an u/s for the 8th (so they can see what happened).  She gave me an injection of Gonal F, which she said would give me a boost.  She also showed me how to give myself the Ovidrel injection when she was doing the Gonal F injection.  It burned when she was injecting me and even after it was injected.  She said that was normal and hopefully it wasn't / wouldn't be too uncomfortable.  She said if she was a betting woman, she would bet that I would have a surge by Monday.  Here's hoping so!

The OPK for later that day was negative for a surge.  The Gonal F injection site stopped burning, but is a little sore at times. 

I do worry about the medications (Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel) and the effect(s) they will have on my body in the long run.  I guess and hope that they are safe and don't / won't cause any kind of problems or disease.  I haven't done much, if any, research on the meds because I don't want to know.  I want another child.  I don't want DD to be an only child.  DD wants a sibling.  So at this point, I want to be ignorant of the side effects, short term and long term.  I trust the ARS and God and that's all I can do at this point.  I don't need any more stress. 

CD3 ARS Appointment

Wednesday the 26th I went to the ARS for an u/s, exam and b/w.  The ultrasound tech did a regular u/s and a vaginal u/s.  She showed me the follicles in my ovaries.  She said that on the screen they looked like a chocolate chip cookie. The ovaries being the cookie and the follicles being the chocolate chips.  Once she said that, it really did!.  After the u/s, I went to an exam room where the nurse had me get undressed and I  waited for her and the ARS to come in.  The ARS said he had good news: my uterus looked good and I have a lot of eggs (which could be because of the PCOS but it is probably more a sign of my fertility). Basically he said we just need to try to control my ovulation or see if we can control it. He did tell me that I have a fibroid.  He said it was very tiny and that they don't typically do anything for ones that tiny.  They will watch it to make sure it doesn't grow / get very big.  Since my period was different this month (much lighter and at that point almost non-existent), he ordered an HCG to make sure that I was not pregnant. he said if I was it would probably not take and we would have to wait for the numbers to drop.  He did an exam, taking samples in case we have to do IVF (and there might have been other reasons that I don't remember).  The nurse gave me a calendar for May and June that showed our plan outlined. Basically I took Clomid CD3-CD7 (5 nights). Then I started using an OPK on the 3rd (which was CD11) and was scheduled to come back to the office for another u/s on the 5th (CD13).  If the OPK showed a surge before my u/s, I was to call the office.  The nurse faxed a prescription for Ovidrel (an injection that I received through the mail).  I was told to bring the Ovidrel with me to my u/s on the 5th, if I had not had a surge before then.  Basically, when I have a surge, I take the Ovidrel.  The nurse said she didn't expect me to have a surge before the 5th, but I needed to test just in case.  She said to plan on coming back into the office for a postcoital test the 7th-9th.  Basically after I get the surge, I do the shot of Ovidrel, then we do the BD and come in to have my CM and the sperm checked. 

The Clomid (still the same dose) this time, seemed to make me very angry and on edge.  I barked and snapped at DH and DD several times.  Actually I don't know if it's the Clomid or the stress from being infertile and not being pregnant yet.  It's easier to blame the Clomid though.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

First Visit to the ARS

Sunday I took another test.  Why do I put myself through such trama?  Of course I got a BFN!  Later that evening, I was preparing for my appointment on Monday with the specialist and entering my BBT in my chart at Fertility Friend.  I got another glimmer of hope.  From my chart, it stated that I was only 11 DPO and it was still too early for me to test.  I had several signs that indicated pregnancy.  I gained some hope back, but then lost the hope on Monday morning.  I didn't even have to get out of bed, I knew the feelings - the cramps, the headache, the wetness.  AF roared her ugly head!  So, CD36 turned into CD1, just like last cycle.  At least that has become consistent.  DH, DD and I attended the appointment with the Advanced Reproductive Specialist (ARS).  I was a little worried about taking DD to the appointment because I didn't want to upset other women who might be at the appointment.  I didn't want to seem like I was rubbing her in anyone's face.  I was quickly reassured about her being there by the office staff.  They were all talking about her - how smart, creative, talkative, etc she is.  It really helped to put me at ease.  We first met with a nurse (Janna) in one of the rooms.  She took my BP which was good.  She weighed me (which I had lost a few pounds - yeah).  She went over my paperwork, making sure she understood our situation.  She went over my medication and talked to DH about his health and medication.  She told me that I should stop taking the Valerian Root and Melatonin because herbal supplements can contain hormones and this could affect my fertility.  She gave me a hand-out to read while we were waiting for the ARS.  We didn't wait long before we were told to go into his office.  He first started out asking us what questions we may have.  I talked to him about taking Calcium with Vitamin D supplements.  He said that he would recommend me to not take those, since I take a prenatal vitamin.  He said too much could cause problems with fertility, birth defects, and be toxic to my body.  He said that he felt I was not ovulating or at least not ovulating regularly.  He talked to us about what he recommended in our situation.  He said that since we live close by, it would be best for me to come by on CD3 to have an u/s to check my uterus and tubes.  At that appointment I would also be given a physical exam and have b/w drawn.  At the end of that appointment he said I would get a calendar with written instructions on what was going to happen next.  He said he did not want me to start taking Prometrium on CD14 like I have been because this could be hindering my ovulation.  He said that if my body was about to ovulate, it could stop it and push it back further.  He doesn't want me taking it until I have ovulated.  He also said that we will use Clomid to help with ovulating and that he would not increase the dose.  He likes to keep the dose as low as possible, but would add other drugs if need be to help me ovulate.  He gave us hope that we would be pregnant in 3-4 cycles.  Obviously, he can not promise that and did share the statistics (which aren't that great), but said that since we were able to conceive before and have a healthy child it's like "money in the bank".  He said another thing they will check is my CM.  This is done by a postcoital test.  This test will also help them figure out if DH should go ahead with the sperm analysis.  He was so nice to DD and was talking to the nurses / office staff about her.  They all reassured us that DD was welcome at the appointments and he even said that DD would become great friends with the girls (meaning his nurses and office staff). 

I am excited about this plan.  I think that he is covering all the basis and is willing to change this as we go, according to how my body is responding.  DH and I are very comfortable with the plan and agree with it.  It is also scary, but I am trying not to let myself think about the what ifs or anything negative. 

DH kind of mentioned to my mom that we are seeing a fertility specialist.  We talked about it before he mentioned it to her.  He asked why I haven't told her.  I told him that I just didn't like talking about it.  It's nothing against my mom.  I tell her lots of things, but I just have such a hard time talking about this struggle.  Hence the reason I need this blog.  I know that I need to talk about this struggle.  I can't keep it all in, but it is so hard for me to do that.  I don't know if it is admitting it, or if I am afraid of the reaction, or showing too much emotion, or being too vulnerable.  I'm not sure.  Maybe it is a combination of all of that.  I don't want people feeling sorry for me or pitying me.  I would, however, love to have someone (or many) walk alongside me (us) as we struggle with this.  I know in order for that to happen I need to open up about this, but it's hard.  I pray about it and have opened up a bit.  I sent a prayer request to our church prayer team and asked to be prayed for at the Global Day of Prayer.   

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Leap of Faith

Today is CD35 and I will probably do another test.  Yes, that means I tested on the 17th (CD29 as the ob/gyn requested) and I got a BFN and have not had a visit from AF.  Last cycle, AF didn't come until CD36, though.  However, CD36 is the day we have our fertility appointment.  After I received the BFN on May 17th, I told myself I was done with taking tests for a while.  I was tired of seeing BFNs with every test.  It was such a slap in the face, such a heart break, such a let down.  I felt like my heart couldn't see another BFN.  I couldn't put myself through that again.  It's always such a loss.  A loss for something that never existed.  I have to go through the grieving process with every BFN - denial (somethings wrong with the test, it can't be negative), anger (why God? why me?), bargaining (please God, please), depression (crying in my bed for that morning or sometimes most of the day) and finally acceptance (as much as 1 can accept not being pregnant yet again).  Somedays I feel like my infertility gets the best of me, like it is going to be the death of me.  Other days I feel like I have really given the burden to Jesus and laid it at His feet.  Those are the days that I can be with friends who have 2+ kids and / or are pregnant (again).  Those are days that I can look at babies and just realize what a blessing they are.  Don't get me wrong, I always feel that babies /children are a blessing from God, but when I am having a day when my infertility is going to be the end of me, I become very angry, jealous, hurt, vulnerable, etc.  I don't want to see a pregnant woman, a mom with children (especially more than 1) or any babies for that matter.  Those are glimpses of what I can't have and it's hard to swallow. 

Why put myself through another test later on today?  Well because DH thinks I am pregnant, just like he has several times before (but of course I haven't been).  But also because I have not been obsessed with taking tests.  Typically, I take a test every other day until AF starts (starting on CD29).  Yeah, I go through a lot of tests each month.  I get them from the $1 Store and they are supposed to be good ones.  I have not wanted to do that (test every other day).  I have actually been pretty calm and not anxious about it.  I have had a headache on and off for about a week.  The last 3 days, I have not been able to get rid of the headache.  I have also been feeling very nauseous and having lots of food aversions.  I remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with DD.  Maybe it's hopeful thinking, but I think it's worth a shot.  I would hate to go to the fertility appointment on Monday and find out I am pregnant.  I don't even know if our insurance covers this appointment and haven't called to find out because well I don't want to know.  Because if it doesn't, I don't care.  We will go into debt, we will do whatever it takes to have more children, or at least I will (and I am pretty sure DH is on board with that). 

Another thing that has helped me started feeling more positive is my faith in God.  I remember when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother.  A mother with a lot of children.  Playing with my dolls was my favorite thing to do.  I really feel that early on God promised that I would be a mother to many children. I hope that means many children of our own and not in some in-direct way.  I have always felt that I was born to be a mother (not that I am perfect, by any means).  This is not to negate the fact that I am a mother to a beautliful little girl.  I love her more than life.  I love her more than anything and I am so blessed to have her.  Thank You God for allowing me to be her mother.  I don't know what I did to deserve her, but thank You!  I also feel that she was made to be a big sister.  She would make the most amazing sister to lots of brothers and sisters.  I feel that God has made her that way for a purpose. 

I took a big step.  Just the other night I sent a prayer request into my church prayer team asking for prayers in regards to our struggle with infertility.  This was a huge step for me because I have not known how to ask for this.  God gave me the strength to just do it and reach out.  To ask for prayer.  When I checked my email last night I received an email from one of the pastors at our church saying that he would be praying for us and support us in anyway he could.  Tears came to my eyes when I read the email.  I thanked God for this email and for this support.  It was as if a little of the burden (or maybe shame) had been lifted.  In fact I am crying now because it is so emotional and so private.  As much as I hate this burden, I am so happy to have another person supporting us and praying for us during this very difficult time.  The only people I have shared this burden / struggle / shame with (besides DH and praying to God) is you all and now to our church prayer team. I guess I took a leap of faith.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Not the One

Last cycle was not the cycle for us.  I test on April 12th, 14th and 17th and received a BFN every time.  AF came and CD36 became CD1.  It is getting harder and harder for me to be around my group of friends.  Almost all of them have 2 children and actually 1 just told me that she is pregnant with her 3rd.  While I am so happy for her, I just can't help but be upset that it's not me.  I feel unwelcomed or like a don't fit in with them.  Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to be friends with them.  At first I tried to put it off on them, but have actually come to the awareness / realization that it is me.  I have not shared this struggle / battle with any of them.  They are aware that I have PCOS and LPD, but not that we are and have been TTC since the end of August / beginning of September 2009.  When asked if we will have more kids (which is not very often by them), I always tell them we aren't sure or not yet.  I just hate to feel vulnerable and be pitied or felt sorry for.  I just don't feel I can open that part up to them.  I have shared other struggles with them and didn't get the support I needed / wanted / hoped for from them, so I can't share this with them. 

I started my 2nd round of Clomid on April 23rd (which was CD5) and took it until the 27th (CD9).  I started Prometrium on May 2nd (CD14).  I have also been charting my temperatures since April 24th.  This has just added to the confusion.  My temp started around 97.05 then dropped to 96.5, then rose back up to the highest being 97.6.  I have not had any other signs of ovulation - mucus or cramps, so I am thinking I have not ovulated this cycle or at least not yet.  I am not really sure how to read the chart (for my temps), even though I have read up on it.  I am currently on CD20 and have given up hope for this cycle.

We attended a friends' baby shower.  It was actually for their 2nd child.  While I am so happy for them, I can't help be a little pissed.  This friend didn't even know if they wanted kids and now she gets blessed with 2!  I know it is harsh for me to say that or even feel that way.  She is a really good friend.  Probably close to the best or most supportive friend I have, but it is still hard to swallow.  I haven't even been able to bring myself to share this struggle of TTC with her, either.  It's almost like a Jekyl / Hyde thing. I am so happy for them, yet so jealous, angry, pissed, etc that it is not me.

My friends have scheduled a few playdates / get togethers that I have just skipped because I just can't be around them.  It is so difficult.  They don't understand what I am going through.  I know I haven't told them.  I haven't shared it with them and they are not mind readers, but still I just feel like I don't belong with them and can't be around them.  I have started withdrawing from a lot of public situations because it is so upsetting to see someone pregnant or with multiple children.  I have tried to be OK with it and put my trust in God, but somedays it seems that it is thrown in my face.  I have thought of talking to someone at our church about our secondary infertility and seeking counseling for it.  But I just don't know how to start the conversation.  The other night I just lied in bed next to DH crying.  He doesn't know what to say and doesn't understand fully.  He wants another child, but says if we can't have one of our own we will adopt.  I know that I would love any child that we adopted and have always wanted to adopt, but didn't think I would be "forced to it".  I guess I struggle with, why me?  What did I do to deserve to not be able to have any more biological children?  Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have DD.  She is such a joy.  She is what makes me go on.  She is the light of my life.  I enjoy her so much.

This struggle is obviously very personal and I have looked to the Bible for answers and have been praying to God for answers.  If His answer is no, I pray that He gives me the courage and strength to cope with that.  I do know that deep down His plan is what is best for me.  I do trust in that.

So I will humor myself and test in 9 days like my ob/gyn told me too.  The good news / light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I called the specialist and they were able to schedule us for May 24th.  I was happy and confident with this date because at that point we should know for sure whether this 2nd round of Clomid has worked.  I was hoping it wouldn't come to seeking the help of a specialist (not that I feel above it, just wanted it to come the easy way).  Of course, I was also hoping that it wouldn't come down to us having to start Clomid and we have for 2 rounds now.  I guess I just need to learn to deal with it better.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


I am on CD25.  I test in 4 days!  I can't wait!  I am trying not to get too anxious / excited about it, but I feel like maybe God has been preparing my heart for this cycle to be it.  DH and I have been talking about IF and TTC pretty openly these days.  We have talked about a possible due date if we were to get a BFP this cycle.  We have also talked about the possibility of multiples since I am taking Clomid.  At first, I was hoping and praying that when we do get pregnant, it would be with one healthy child.  But now, I can say that I am open to what God has planned for us.  Although, if His plan is for us not to have any more children, I will fight that kicking and screaming.  But it is His will and I will ultimately be OK with that.  Anyway, I have had several eye opening experiences lately concerning multiples, specifically twins. Our neighbor recently had twin girls and I have seen her outside with them, holding them both in her arms.  It made me realize that it was possible to cuddle two babies at the same time.  While my mom was in the hospital (just last week), I met a guy on the elevator whose wife just had twins.  He was beaming from excitement!  It almost made me cry.  Then another day when we went to see the babies in the nursery (for the millionth time because that was DD's favorite thing to do), we met another person who had twin girls.  At the end of the week, I was like "OK God are you trying to tell me something?  Are you trying to prepare me for something? If you are, I am OK with the multiples (or at least twins) thing." 

I hope I don't come across as ungrateful.  I would be grateful for whatever God gives me / us.  I think I was just afraid I couldn't handle it.  I have a problem with asking people for help and don't want to get in over my head.  I have a problem with having other people have to help me raise my children because I want to do it myself and on my own (with my DH of course). And my mom and God and our church. 

DD has been asking about a sibling more often.  Specifically a baby.  My sister and her were telling me it was time to have a baby while we were at the hospital last week.  I wanted to scream "It's not that easy! I wish it was. I wish I could have another baby."  In the car one day, DD asked if we could have a baby.  I told her that mommy and daddy were trying and that it was up to Jesus.  She said "Jesus, can we have a baby?"  Then she said "He said we could. Thank you Jesus."  Maybe she knows something I don't.  The faith of a child!  I wish I had that faith all the time.

I know that I will be devasted if we get a BFN or AF comes, but I know that I will continue this journey to have another child until we can't go any further.  Maybe if this isn't my cycle the next one will be. 

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Last Clomid for this Cycle

I took my 5th Clomid pill / last Clomid pill for this cycle yesterday.  I think my mood swings were pretty bad these 5 days.  I am not sure if I can blame the Clomid or if the stress from TTC is getting to me.  I am having such a hard time dealing with not being pregnant yet.  It was so easy the first time to get pregnant.  I just can't believe that we are experiencing this.  I can't believe that any of us are experiencing this.  We want to be mothers so badly.  I just have to keep reminding myself that God is in charge.  He will do what is right for us.  He has blessed me beyond I deserve.  He has given me a beautiful 3 year old daughter to love and I do love her so much.  Every time I look at her, I think to myself, she is enough.  If she is the only child God gives me, she is enough.  I thank Him everyday for blessing me with her and thank Him for how amazing she is.

I keep thinking that this has to be the cycle.  DH and I were texting about it last week.  I texted him that if this was the cycle for us, our due date would be around December 19th.  I thought he would think I was crazy thinking this far ahead, but he actually said it was something he had been thinking about too.  We talked about the possibility of having a Christmas baby.  It was so nice to talk about it.  He is not much of a talker and I tend to keep this kind of stuff in.  I have a huge problem talking about being infertile and not being pregnant yet.  That is why I started this blog.  I have to get this stuff out and it is easier for me to type it than to say the words. Thank you all for listening / reading and supporting me.

Monday, March 22, 2010

First Cycle of Clomid

On CD29, I took a pregnancy test and received a BFN.  I took another Prometrium that night before bed, since this was the game plan discussed with my ob/gyn.  The next day CD30 turned into CD1.  I was excited that AF came so soon, but sad because I was really hoping that I had just tested too early.  DH was sad too when I told him the test results.  I think we both were hoping I had just tested too soon.  We were hoping to get pregnant before having to start the Clomid. 

Friday was CD5 and my first day taking Clomid.  I was scared because I didn't know how it would effect me.  The ob/gyn warned that it brings hot flashes, mood swings and feels like you are going through menopause.  I try to take it later in the day.  I think the effects have been minimal.  I do think it does make my moods go from 0-10 in a matter of seconds.  One minute I am fine and the next I am angry.  Having PCOS, I have had mood swings, but those had gotten better since February.  I have only experienced a few hot flashes since taking the Clomid.  I also had these hot flashes before taking Clomid.  So of course, I am worried that maybe the Clomid isn't working or won't work.  Before starting the Clomid, I was telling myself that I just need to embrace whatever side effects (mood swings, hot flashes) that it brings because that is how I know it will be working.  But since it is nothing like I thought it would be, I am worried that it's not working on me.  I guess we will see.  It is a waiting game, isn't it?

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Sock It To Me: Winter 2010

I joined Sock It To Me, an awesome sock exchange that Kymberli at I'm A Smart One started.  The SITM: Winter 2010 Exchange is my first one ever.  Here is what Kymberli has to say about this cool exchange:

It's The Great Sock-It-to-Me Exchange. The warmth you feel from your bloggy support is a warm and fuzzy pair of snuggly socks. Take the support with you for a trip to the stirrups. Wear them when you're chasing around your battle-won little person. Put them on when you have something to celebrate or when you need a hug. Wear them as a physical reminder of all the people inside your computer who you know care for and are thinking of you.

Here's one of the "rules":
The week of Sock It to Me Week. Post a picture of your socks (worn or not worn) with a link back to the blogger who sent them to you. The topic of the SITM posts will change each time.* For SITM Winter 2010, reflect on ways which the community supported you in 2009 (or if you're new to blogging, ways in which you needed support in 2009) and also look ahead to how you'll give and continue to receive support in 2010. SITM is a week for warm and fuzzies. Like ummm...the socks.

I had the pleasure of sending a pair of socks to Kymberli and from that I have really gotten to know her.  I really appreciate the support she has shown me since joining this exchange. 

I received a pack of 3 socks from Renee.  I am not including a link to her blog because she is not a blogger.  I actually sent Kymberli an email to ask her who sent me the socks because Renee kept it a secret when she sent the package. 

The ones in the second picture are the pair I wore to my u/s this week.  It was really helpful to wear them because every time (even throughout the rest of the day) I looked at them I felt supported.

I am not new to the blogging world.  I actually have 4 blogs.  This blog is new.  I am newly (as of July 2009) diagnosed with PCOS and LPD (in August 2009).  I really felt I needed a place to share that part of my life.  Not many people know of my diagnoses or that we are TTC.  I know to some that may sound silly, but the important people know about it (my DH, my mom, some of my family and friends - know about the diagnoses).  I am not comfortable sharing this information with everyone because there are some really unsupportive people in our lives (and would use the information against us / me in anyway they could).  I have not shared with anyone, outside of you all that read this blog (and of course my DH) that we are TTC.  I just am not ready to share that struggle with anyone except you all.  It's just too painful.  Since my diagnoses, I have felt very unsupported (which is why I needed to start a blog just for that part of my life).  My DH, mom and friends don't understand it.  They know of it, but don't know how to support me with it.  I have tried explaining things to them, but they just don't get it.  My DH is coming around and has told me he is scared.  He is afraid of this and what it has done to me and to the possibility of future children. 

I really just need a soft place to fall.  A place to be accepted and not judged.  A place to be able to put it all out there and still be loved.  I really need people to genuinely care about me and what is going on in my life.  I wish I had family and friends that would offer help and support with my DD or with the house or with just lending an ear or with just crying with me over everything or just getting mad as hell with me about things. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, not one bit. 

I am so glad for the women that I have met since starting this blog and joining some online PCOS support groups. I appreciate their support and continue to need it.  I will continue to provide support and try my hardest to make it a priority everyday to check it on my girls.  I hope that all of our efforts of TTC will be fulfilled this year.

Friday, March 5, 2010


I started Prometrium on Saturday the 27th (since it was CD14).  I am hoping this cycle will be it.  Another thing I forgot to mention about my appointment with the ob/gyn was we discussed whether I was ovulating.  I was thinking that I probably wasn't.  She said the pains I am having could be ovulation.  I also told her that I have had the cervical mucus (even cycles when I haven't had AF for over 40 days), she said I could very well have ovulated then too.  Apparently you don't have to have AF to ovulate. 

Thursday I had the u/s.  I told the tech that I was still having the pains on my right side, but also my left side has been hurting (even more than the right) and the center of my abdomen has been sensitive / soar.  She did 2 types of u/s.  She showed me my ovaries, cysts, follicles, etc.  She said that it's not common for women with PCOS to have pains (but I am not sure how much she really knows about PCOS because from what I have read, it is very possible).
The ob/gyn's office called with the results later that day.  The u/s confirmed / was consistent with PCOS.  There is no blockage or scar tissue.  My ovaries are functioning, but with PCOS.  Normal treatment for PCOS is to suppress the ovaries, but since we are TTC, we don't want to do that.  She said the pain is just from the PCOS.  She said the u/s showed tons of cysts (almost like an overactivity), but that is PCOS.  The pain is from the PCOS and there isn't much they / I can do about it.  She said to take Tylenol, keep hydrated and to make sure I am not constipated.  She said that Metformin is a good drug to make the ovaries function.  She wants me to keep them posted.  I asked if she could tell from the u/s if I ovulated this month this I was on CD19 and she said that she couldn't tell. U/s isn't a good tool for that. 
So, at least I have no blockages or scar tissue, but I have major pain a lot.  Thankfully the pain doesn't last a long time, but it does happen frequently.

New Game Plan

Last week I attended an appointment with my ob/gyn.  The nurse talked to me about the fact that I have several factors against me in regards to conceiving again - PCOS, hypothyroid, LPD, but that the most promising factor was that my body did it once.  I have a beautiful 3 year old little girl.  The ob/gyn reviewed how things have been going with me.  I told her about my pains, especially on my right side.  She ordered an u/s to rule out blockage and scar tissue.  We talked about TTC and what our next move should be.  Thankfully she understood that we mean business and want to get things rolling with having a baby.  We don't want to play games or twiddle our thumbs.  She laid out all the options - try Clomid (she only does 3 rounds then sends you to a fertility specialist), seek a fertility specialist, keep trying with Metformin and Prometrium.  I asked her opinion because I truly respect it.  She said she thinks we should go ahead and start Clomid, get an appointment with a fertility specialist schedule for the next few months, and of course get the u/s.  She said the Clomid will be hard on me.  It will make me feel like I am going through menopause.  I told her that I already feel that way, as I have major mood swings and was having hot flashes.  I actually asked her if she was just teasing me and I was truly going through menopause.  She reassured me that I wasn't.  She said Clomid will bring on all these symptoms, plus there is an increase in multiples.  She said that she personally has never had anyone have multiples from it, but it is a risk.  We are worried about that risk because twins run on both sides of our family.  DH also asked if something could be wrong with his swimmers and so he is going to be tested.  I thought that was such a great thing for him to ask and kind of took the "heat" off of me.  I just thought that was very supportive.  The nurse was great at reassuring us and DH about the sperm analysis.  She told us her DH had to do that, too.  I really appreciate my ob/gyn and the nurse sharing their experiences with us because it helps me to know I am not alone / we are not alone in the struggle.  If I hadn't said this before, my ob/gyn also has PCOS.  So our game plan is to take Clomid CD6-9, then Prometrium CD14-28, on CD 29 I will take a pregnancy test if AF hasn't visited, if BFN then I will continue the Prometrium until AF visits (or I get a BFP).  We will do that for a few cycles, then if no BFP, we will meet with the specialist.  Oh yeah, and DH will get his swimmers checked and I will get an u/s.    

Friday, February 19, 2010

Difficult Day

CD66 turned into CD1.  I didn't think I would ever be that happy for AF.  I was so worried I was going through menopause or something.  I had been feeling decent since AF and was really busy taking DD to all sorts of classes and playdates and things.  I think I had 1 down day - where we just stayed home and relaxed.  Then something weird happened.  CD9 turned into CD1!  I am not sure what was up with that.  That was just strange.  Here I go 66 days without AF and now only 9.  My body is definitely not working right.  This totally changes when I start Prometrium again.  I was originally supposed to start it today, but now have to wait until the 27th.  I was worried about taking Prometrium so close together.  I just stopped the 400mg of Prometrium on the 12th.  So that I am happy about.  Maybe my body does know what it's doing after all!

Tuesday was a trying day for me.  I met a friend and her DS for a playdate.  My cousin was also at this place.  She just had her second DD.  She had a DS about 5-7 years ago, but he died when he was only a few months old.  They went through lots of struggles with losing their child and were unsure if they would ever be able to get pregnant again.  They have a 4 year old DD and an almost 2 month old DD now. 

However, she was there with her playgroup.  This group ended up being a bunch of women who have 2 children are do not want anymore.  So much so that their DHs have been snipped or they were going to have their tubes tied.  It was very difficult to listen to their bitching about having 2 children and not wanting anymore.  It obviously made me sad and uncomfortable.  I have always told DH that neither one of us will ever have those procedures done because I never want the option to have children taken off the table for us.  Of course that was before being diagnosed with PCOS.  Now sometimes I feel like I might as well have had my tubes tied, since we have not had any luck with TTC.  But I didn't make that choice to not be able to have anymore children, like these women.  I am not mad at them.  They don't know my story and I wasn't willing to share it with them.  It just kind of felt like a slap in the face.  These woman have want I want - fertility.  It was just a difficult day - a constant reminder!


On February 1 (CD61), the nurse from the ob/gyn's office called.  She said the doctor wanted me to go for b/w.  I had the b/w done that day. They called with the results the next day.  She said my FSH, Estradiol and something else were normal but my TSH was abnormal, dangerously low.  I think it was .265. She said I need to go for another b/w (free t4).  I went that day.  The next day the nurse called with the results.  She said that test was normal and they would send the results to my endocronologist.  They said my G4 is good and T4 is normal.  I told the nurse that I was at CD63.  She talked with the ob/gyn.  She prescribed 400mg of Prometrium at night for 10 days. 

The Prometrium really kicks my butt.  As soon as I take it, I am out.  It just makes me exhausted.

Friday the 5th, my endocronologist's office called about the b/w they were sent.  He wants me to stop taking Synthroid on Sundays.  So now I am really confused.  Why would I stop taking my med if one of my thyroid tests were really low?

BTW, I stopped taking the Vitex on the 2nd and had already stopped the cough decongestant and progesterone cream on the 31st.  I will talk to my ob/gyn about taking them first.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

I'm Still Here

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile.  I have been feeling really sick lately.  I am taking a medication that is really just kicking my butt!  I plan on trying to get things up to date as much as I can in the next few days.

Friday, January 29, 2010

My History

On January 29th, I saw on Daily Strength, a question regarding Vitex.  The replies from the post stated that these women had great success with it.  I looked it up and thought I would give it a try.  I went to the store and bought Vitex and progesterone cream.  I started taking a cough decongestant on the 28th because I read that it can help with the cervical mucus. I also decided that I must have been delirious on the 28th when I thought I had a visit from AF.  Of course I am delirious, 59 days without a period?

When I think about my history and my diagnosis of PCOS, I always wonder if I didn't cause it.  I was on BCP for years that I only needed to have a visit from AF 4 times per year.  I wonder if that could have tricked my body into only having AF every few months. But then when I read symptoms and information on PCOS and LPD, I have had those for years. I switched from ob/gyn to ob/gyn trying to find out what was wrong with me until I met my current ob/gyn in 2003.  I always thought / knew something was wrong, but no doctor would listen to me.  I was diagnosed in 1996 with a hypothyroid.  Then depression some several years later.  I had a laproscopy and hysterscopy in 2002.  The ob/gyn punctured my uterus during these procedures.  She thought I had endometriosis, but said I didn't after these procedures.  I found my current ob/gyn in 2003 at a women's event.  She asked me to give her a chance and I did.  She didn't diagnose me with PCOS until last year, but she has always listened to me and taken my concerns seriously.  When I first started seeing her, she found a BCP that worked for me and seemed to "cure" my symptoms.  She is the doctor that recommended I go on BCP that I only need to have AF 4 times per year.  My visits from AF were horrible, so I agreed.   Things were fine.  DH and I decided we would start TTC in June 2006.  In March 2006, I stopped taking BCP and was pregnant in May 2006.  We had a healthy, beautiful little girl in 2007.  I did have GD during the pregnancy. 

58 or 2?

Call it lack of sleep or too much sleep, I am not sure.  I posted yesterday that a little while after I got off the phone with the nurse, I started my period.  I know this is weird and probably TMI, but I don't know if I really started or not.  I did not bleed the rest of the day.  Did I dream it?  Am I going crazy?  All I can say is now I am even more confused than ever and don't know which CD I am on.  Is it 58 or 2?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

CD57 to CD1

Last week my symptoms just continued to get worse: nauseau, diarrhea, exhaustion, irritability, cramps and pain in my stomach, back pain and loss of appetite.  On CD50, I tested again, of course BFN, so I called the ob/gyn.  I talked to the nurse.  She asked if I have had my thyroid checked recently.  I told her I had, just about a month ago.  She suggested that I try taking 1 Metformin in the AM and 1 Metformin in the PM for 1 week and see if that helps.

I have been taking the Metformin as the nurse suggested and I have noticed some difference.  The diarrhea and cramping are not as bothersome.  However, the nauseau, exhaustion, irritability (lack of patience), back pain and pains in my stomach have continued.  I called the nurse back this morning, I am on CD57 (and received another BFN this morning). She asked if I had tested resently.  I told her that I tested this morning.  She scheduled an appointment for me to come in to talk to the ob/gyn, but it's not until the 23rd.  She said that the ob/gyn won't be back in the office until Monday and she would talk to her then and called me back.

Of course since then I have started my period.  I am thankful, as much as you can be, when you are cramping, in pain and still not feeling well. 

I have been so tired this last month or 2.  It is just so difficult to even get out of bed.  I have to force myself to just get DD breakfast.  I feel horrible that I am not able to do the things I used to do with her.  I can't even get crafts or things together for her to do while I am laying in bed.  I hate to say it, but a lot of times, all I can do is turn on PBS.  I hate that I am not able to work on the alphabet or other educational things with her.  I think the guilt from that and the exhaustion, pain and frustration from PCOS have me defeated.  All I can think about is how I am a terrible mom because I can't do more things with DD. Before I thought it might be silly to send her to preschool, but now I am starting to think it is the best thing for her.  I just feel I am not doing right by her.  I think she is bored being here with me. Hell, I am bored being here with myself.

Monday, January 18, 2010

CD47 and Nothing

I tested again this afternoon, which was actually my morning. I fell asleep last night, but then woke up and couldn't go back to sleep until this morning. I was extremely tired and ended up sleeping until the afternoon. Thank goodness DH was home to get DD in the shower, feed her breakfast and hang out with her. The test came back negative again. Tomorrow will be CD48, which is when I started in November. I think I'll wait until CD50, test again and call the ob/gyn (unless I start my period before then). Even if I start my period, I am still going to call the ob/gyn to tell them about my intense stomach pains and having no let up on symptoms. I am also thinking it is time to inquire about fertility drugs.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I Get So Emotional Baby

My cycle in December started on CD21, which is really strange for me. I am normally lucky if I start on CD30-something.

So now, here I am on CD46 and nothing. Friday I went to the $1 Store to buy a few pregnancy tests. I took one that afternoon (I know morning urine is best) and got a negative result. My body must really be messed up. All day yesterday, I was nauseous. I have been extremely emotional. I noticed that on Thursday when DH and I attended something for DD. Just the thought of sending her to school and listening about how her day would be, made me tearful. I don't feel tearful / emotional like depression, but like extremely emotional. Everything DD says makes me want to cry. I have also lost my appetite. Nothing sounds good to me. These are all similar symptoms I had when I was pregnant with DD. So I don't know what is going on. Maybe I tested too soon. Maybe I am just not pregnant.

I am thinking that it is time to call the ob/gyn again. My body is not working still (apparently). I have been on Metformin for about 6 months and Prometrium for about 5 months. I must not be ovulating still. I think if I was I would be pregnant by now. I am thinking that I will call her to see what our options are for fertility drugs. I believe she will start me on Clomid, but not sure how that works.

I was really hoping that I would be pregnant and far enough along by DD's birthday party. I think it would be so neat if the first gift (or last gift) she opens is what spreads the word to everyone attending the party. I thought I would wrap up a "Big Sister" t-shirt and a big sister book or 2. Wouldn't that be awesome? I think it would. In fact I have been thinking about it so much that I am going to be totally disappointed if we don't get to do that this year. I keep thinking, when would be the next great time we could do something like that.

I have also been trying to figure out how or when I would tell DH. Would I tell him right away? Probably because I would be so excited and relieved. If it happened soon, I could tell him on his birthday. Wouldn't that be a great birthday gift?!

I am getting really depressed and resentful that I am not pregnant yet. It is very hard to understand why I can not get pregnant or why this is happening to me. We had no problems getting pregnant with DD. It just doesn't make sense. But I am sure a lot of women feel that way.

Here's to hoping if I am not pregnant, that I start my period soon, so we can TTC again soon.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Scare and Follow Up

At the end of September, I had a scare. I started bleeding. It kind of freaked me out because the first thing I thought of was - miscarriage. I stopped bleeding the next night. I have never had that short of a period. The next day I called the ob/gyn's office. The nurse said that it was just because my lining was so thick and it's just thinning out.

I was hoping (and thinking good thoughts) that we would be pregnant in October. I felt that at that point we were both ready. This was only the first cycle we had been TTC. I said several prayers to God that month. DD had been asking for a baby sister or brother. She said she wants one. I think she would be a good big sister. She deserves to be a big sister. I think she is ready, too.

I saw the ob/gyn on October 27th. They did a pregnancy test on me and it was negative. She started me on Prometrium until I had a period. We thought I hadn't had a period for about 50 something days, but in actuality it was 30 days. She said any bleeding is a period, no matter how long it lasts. When I called the nurse in October, she told me it wasn't a period, so I didn't count the days correctly.

By November 10th, I still hadn't started my period so I called the ob/gyn's office.I had been taking Prometrium for 14 days. The nurse said I should start within 2 weeks. It was Day 45, I started on Day 48.

I started charting my temperature (with a regular digital thermometer) on November 19th. I tested ovulation using an ovulation kit (that is old) on the 22nd, but it said I wasn't ovulating. I haven't checked my temperature since the 25th because the thermometer I was using is off by 2 degrees. Plus I've read it is best to use a BBT.

Something Must Be In The Water

I can not believe all the people I know that just had a baby or that are pregnant. It is ridiculous. Here is the list (sorry to bore you):
1. S had a boy in April
2. CB had a boy in April
3. LS had a girl in April
4. EE had a girl in June
5. N had a girl in July
6. K had a boy in July
7. AB had a boy in October
8. A had a boy in November
9. K had a girl in November
10. EB had a girl in November
11. TG & MG had a boy in November
12. CE had a girl in December
13. J had a baby in December
14. BG & NG had a girl in December
15. D is due any day now
16. W is due this month
17. A is due in April
18. TL is due in March
19. TD is due in March
20. K is due in March with twins
21. SB is due with a girl soon
22. KB is due in a few months
23. LP & MP adopted a girl in April
24. GG & B are due in January
25. LN & TN are due in April
26. JP & AP are due in February
27. SS is due in April with twins
28. R & N are due soon
29. B is due in a few months
30. T & F are due in August
31. JB & EB are due in August

That is a hell of a lot of people and I am sure that I am forgetting about a few or will learn of more pregnant people in the next day or so. It seems like everyday I am hearing that someone is pregnant.

While I am super excited for everyone, I can't help but feel very jealous. With my recent diagnoses, I just worry that it will never be me, that I will never be pregnant again. It really bothered me when I would hear news of someone being pregnant when DH wasn't ready to start trying. I feel like we have been given a time limit on having kids. I am really worried about using fertility drugs or fertility treatments. First off, the cost and secondly, the possibility of multiple births just stresses me out. I have really been keeping my stress, worry, frustration and sadness about all of this to myself.

But will we be OK family wise? I want more children more than anything. I think DD would be an amazing big sister. I feel like she would be losing out on so much if we can't give her that opportunity. She deserves to be a big sister. She deserves to have brothers and sisters that look just like her or have similar features and that love and adore her (as she will them). I want to have more than 1 pregnancy and more than 1 biological child. I would like to have at least 4 children (not all at the same time). I want to have 3 more pregnancies and all end up in live births with healthy babies being the outcome.

You might wonder why I am afraid of miscarriage. With the LPD diagnosis, the biggest risk is that if I do / can get pregnant, that I will miscarry. I do not have enough progesterone in my body to be able to maintain a pregnancy. I am glad this was found out now and not after a miscarriage. I really hope that we don't have to know the pain that comes with miscarriage. I know EE, CB, and B know that pain. It must be so difficult and I do not want to have to go through that.

DH and I talked, well I cried, one evening after leaving a friend's house. I love being around my friends, but it is really tough when they are almost all pregnant or recently given birth. That is when we decided to start TTC. It was August 29th.

We are not TTC because of all of our friends, but because he is finally ready. Before it was him holding us back. He stresses about finances too much. I think of finances too, but know that things will get better. God will provide. I am trying to find more kids to babysit. He will graduate in 2011 and get a better job (if not before). We will be OK. If we have to, we can / will sell the house. We could stop the 401K and defer my school loans. The credit cards will be paid off at the end of 2010. We will be OK financially. The other thing holding us back from TTC was issues with his family that affected our marriage.

I did have mixed emotions about getting pregnant because of the way things are with DH's family. I talked about this with E. DH and I have a strong marriage - that has been proven. We can't let them dictate or decide when we will continue or add on to our family. Problems with them could very well always exist (as long as they are around and in our lives).

LPD Diagnosis

The ob/gyn's office called on July 18, 2009 with the results of my bloodwork. Apparently my body is not doing what it's supposed to. It is not making enough progesterone, so I have to take progesterone during days 14 - 28 of my cycle. So now I have been diagnosed with Luteal Phase Defect (LPD), too.

PCOS Diagnosis

July 16, 2009, DH and I attended an ob/gyn appointment. I have been off BCP since October of 2008. My periods were fine the first 4 months I was off the pill, but then just stopped. My cycle before DD was about 30 something days, now it was 42days long (well the 4 months I had a period!). March and April I didn't have a period. I only had a period in May because the ob/gyn's office prescribed Provera. I missed a period in June and July. I was not ovulating.

The ob/gyn did a pregnancy test and it was negative. She said that I was not ovulating. Apparently my lining is too thick. The estrogen in my body is turning into testosterone, which turns into insulin. She said that every women has cysts in their ovaries. It is one of those cysts that gets fertilized or if it doesn't causes your period to start. Your body only allows the best cyst to get fertilized. Well apparently I don't have any of those "best" cysts. I have what is called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). The ob/gyn said this is why I am gaining weight in the stomach. The fat is just collecting there. She said this is why I am having pains in my stomach as well. We are going to try to treat it with Metformin, which is a Diabetes drug. She is also doing bloodwork to make sure everything else is OK. The Metformin could also cause stomach pain and diarrhea.

When the ob/gyn was telling us this, I was about to lose it, but tried to act OK. I looked over and saw DH tearing up and knew I had to be OK about it. I didn't want both of us to cry over this. After the appointment, while I was waiting for my script and bloodwork req, he lost it and had to leave the office for a minute.

He went to the lab with me. They got me in and out of there rather quickly. I picked up the script for Metformin that evening.