Sunday, August 22, 2010

Good News Turned Devastating

Saturday July 31st, I received a vm from the nurse at the RE's office.  She said she received the results of my b/w and that she hated to leave the results on vm.  She said my HCG came back positive, but the level was low indicating that I would miscarry.  She said over the next few days I would start to bleed and I would have to get a few more blood tests done to make sure everything was out of my system.  She said she was really sorry and that unfortunately this happens sometimes.  I was so devastated, but glad that she left the vm because I was able to let DH listen to it.  I don't know if I would have been able to tell him.  I was crying so hard.  I was so upset by that news.  I can't believe our prayers were answered, I was pregnant, but then our prayers were shattered and I was miscarrying.  To know that you are pregnant (or were) and just waiting to miscarry is such a terrible feeling.  Actually I didn't and still don't know how to feel about it.  They say it is an early miscarriage and most women don't even know about it.  They just think they are having a late period that month.  I wondered if that is what had been happening to us every month, but am pretty sure that it hadn't been the case now.  It is called a chemical pregnancy because it was only verified by b/w and not u/s (at least that's what I read). For some reason, this terminology makes me feel like it is not a real pregnancy / not a real loss.

Sunday August 1st, we had tickets to a ballgame.  Of course, I didn't want to go, but for DH's and DD's sakes felt I just needed to suck it up.  The worst thing was that I started bleeding right before we left.  Before the bleeding started I was holding out hope and praying that I would not bleed and end up finding out everything was going to be OK.  After I started bleeding, of course I lost the hope and just felt sad.  I told my niece about what happened and she was sad and supportive about it.  DH hasn't really said much about it so I really don't know how he feels about it.  He has been supportive.  My flow was heavy and crampy.

I called the RE's office on Monday, the 2nd.  They said that I would need to have at least 1 more blood test and scheduled it for Thursday the 5th.  She said the RE wanted us to take a break this month and that we could start TTC again after my next period.  She said that the good thing is we know we are on the right track.  A good friend that also has PCOS contacted me and I told her about what happened.  She has been very supportive, sending text messages, offering to babysit DD, offering to bring dinner over and sending me a very sweet card.  My niece and I told my mom about the miscarriage on Tuesday.

I was feeling pretty down until Wednesday.  Not only struggling with my feelings regarding the miscarriage, but then thinking about DD.  Somehow, she thought she was getting a baby brother.  Now what do I tell her?  I really felt like a failure that I couldn't give her a sibling.  By Wednesday, I was starting to feel a little better.  Thursday I went to have another HCG done and it came back negative.  The RE's office said to call them when I have my next period so we can start TTC again (if that's what we want to do) and to make sure we use contraception this month (just in case).  Saturday the 7th, we went by my sister's house and she said my niece told her what happened and that she is there for me if I ever want to talk about it.  I have received a lot of support from the few that know what is going on and it is very much appreciated.  AF lasted about 5 days, but came back 1 more day for spotting. 

I have avoided writing this post for so long because I am still confused and unsure of how I feel about it all. I have been trying to figure it out.  My belief is that life begins at conception, so this is a life that I have lost.  Right?  I think part of the issue is I wonder if I have any right to grieve.  I have read and heard stories about women having miscarriages after seeing their baby in an u/s or even women well into their 3rd trimester.  Surely they deserve to grieve more than me, right?  I didn't get to see my baby at all.  As soon as I found out for sure I was pregnant, I found out I was losing the baby.  

I have always heard that it is good to have the nauseous and sickness feelings because it means your pregnancy is strong.  That is a bunch of BS.  I had all those symptoms and feelings and it didn't mean a darn thing.  I still lost my baby.  Up until Saturday night I had some of the symptoms.  It seems like such a sick joke, all of it.  The symptoms, knowing of the positive blood test. 

I keep trying to tell myself to look at the positives.  At least I have been pregnant twice.  Once resulting in a beautiful healthy baby (my 3.5 year old).  And that it was for the best for this baby.  I have read that there was probably some type of chromosome abnormality and it was for the best. 

Not only have I been sad about the miscarriage, but then to have to bench this month< I was not happy about that.  I have actually come to grips with that part though.  I have actually told myself this is all for the best.  DD started school this month.  School ends in May. If we end up getting to start TTC in September, and get pregnant, the baby would be due sometime in June.  This would work out great because DD would be out of school and get to spend a few months home with me and the baby.  I really would like for her to get to be home with us for a few months before returning to school.   It feels weird writing this.  Almost like it is disrespectful to the baby I lost. 

Yesterday DD was playing with her cousin (who is around her age).  Her cousin said something about DD's brother.  I said DD doesn't have a brother.  She said well DD said she had a brother.  That almost made me cry.  Does DD know something that I didn't get to know?

All the Symptoms

Friday July 23rd, I took a HPT and received a BFN.  I had been craving chips and cheese dip pretty much all week, itchy boobs, pains in right and left ovaries, angry and hormones just raging. Thursday and Friday, I had heartburn.  I was having pains in my vaginal area, feeling nauseous, having food aversions (hardly anything sounded good to me), yet very hungry, and when I did find something that appealed to me I wanted to eat! I was also getting the urge to buy baby stuff / boy clothes.  I was also having problems with smells getting to me and having hot flashes. I took another HPT on Friday July 30th and received another BFN.  I called the RE's office and the nurse said I should've started my period by Wednesday the 28th, so they wanted me to go that morning to take a blood test for HCG level.  Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go that morning, but did go that afternoon.  That was an event going to the lab.  DH and DD went with me.  DD was acting up and kept playing with the water cooler and there was a little bit of a wait (which is not normal at this lab).  She spilled water on the table so DH took her outside.  Not long after they went outside, did they come back in because DH was stung by something and it hurt.  The spot was red and he was feeling his arm go numb a bit.  He was finally feeling better and I finally was able to go in to get my blood drawn.  The nurse from the RE's office called that afternoon / evening and said she wasn't able to get the results since I went in that afternoon. She said I would hear from them by Monday.

It was weird because DD was telling my niece and my mom that she was going to have a brother on July 28th.  Then on the 29th, she drew me a picture and said "Dear Mommy, thank you for having me a baby brother."  I was in shock and looked at my mom.  That's when she told me that DD told her and my niece the night before she was going to have a brother.