Friday July 23rd, I took a HPT and received a BFN. I had been craving chips and cheese dip pretty much all week, itchy boobs, pains in right and left ovaries, angry and hormones just raging. Thursday and Friday, I had heartburn. I was having pains in my vaginal area, feeling nauseous, having food aversions (hardly anything sounded good to me), yet very hungry, and when I did find something that appealed to me I wanted to eat! I was also getting the urge to buy baby stuff / boy clothes. I was also having problems with smells getting to me and having hot flashes. I took another HPT on Friday July 30th and received another BFN. I called the RE's office and the nurse said I should've started my period by Wednesday the 28th, so they wanted me to go that morning to take a blood test for HCG level. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go that morning, but did go that afternoon. That was an event going to the lab. DH and DD went with me. DD was acting up and kept playing with the water cooler and there was a little bit of a wait (which is not normal at this lab). She spilled water on the table so DH took her outside. Not long after they went outside, did they come back in because DH was stung by something and it hurt. The spot was red and he was feeling his arm go numb a bit. He was finally feeling better and I finally was able to go in to get my blood drawn. The nurse from the RE's office called that afternoon / evening and said she wasn't able to get the results since I went in that afternoon. She said I would hear from them by Monday.
It was weird because DD was telling my niece and my mom that she was going to have a brother on July 28th. Then on the 29th, she drew me a picture and said "Dear Mommy, thank you for having me a baby brother." I was in shock and looked at my mom. That's when she told me that DD told her and my niece the night before she was going to have a brother.
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Out with the Old, In with the New
I tested on June 24th and got a BFN. I called the ARS / RE's office and talked with the nurse. She said they wanted me to go in for a pregnancy blood test to make sure. So I went in the next day. She called me later that day with the results. They were negative. My progesterone level was good and she said the next time around they are going to start Prometrium 4 days after I ovulate. She said to call when AF appears in full cycle to schedule appointments for the next cycle. AF visited for a short visit that night, then went away until Sunday. I called the office on Monday thinking they were going to have me come in that day, but they said that since AF wasn't a full flow until Sunday they would consider Sunday as CD1, so my appointment (u/s) was scheduled for Tuesday morning. Tuesday, June 29th, I went in for my CD3 u/s. I was a little taken aback by the u/s tech's first words to me. She came in and said "aren't you supposed to be pregnant by now?" I knew she was just joking and didn't mean anything harmful by it, but it made me a little uncomfortable and stung a bit. Then she looked at the chart and saw it was only my 2nd month (2nd cycle) with them. She said that I had some good things going last cycle - good lining, made a follicle big enough and I ovulated. She started the u/s. She said that I shed my lining, had no residual fluid and lots of eggs / follicles. I met with the nurse and she gave me a calendar with the details of the plan for this cycle. My plan for this cycle: Clomid for 5 days starting on June 29th. Follistim injection on July 5th. OPK on the 7th and 8th. U/s on the 9th. Ovidrel injection timed with ovulation. IUI (2 rounds) timed with ovulation. Start Prometrium 4 days after ovulation / Ovidrel injection. Progesterone b/w one week after Ovidrel injection. The plan this time is similar in that I had the CD3 u/s, took Clomid for 5 days starting on CD3 and have a Progesterone b/w 1 week after ovulation. It differs from last time because this time I will get Follistim injection instead of Gonal F and I receive it on CD9 where as I had the Gonal F injection on CD13. I will also start Prometrium 4 days after ovulation.
I started Clomid for 5 days that evening. Instead of Gonal F, I had to purchase Follistim. I received that injection on the 5th (CD9) in the back of my upper right arm. Man, that injection stung and burned going in and even afterwards for a bit. I was glad I went in to have the nurse give me the injection instead of trying to do it myself. I don't know if I could've done it myself. I took an OPK on Wednesday and Thursday with negative results for surge. This morning when I went in for my u/s, I was having terrible pain and pulling below my stomach. I told the u/s tech and she said something must be happening. I was actually fearful that I had ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (ohs). Well thankfully that's not what the pain was. My lining was 7.6, I had no residual fluid and 4 follicles that she measured in my Left ovary. They measured 25.5, 19, 16 and 10.5. In my right ovary, I had 2 follicles that she measured. They measured 15 and 10.5. I was very excited about this news. I can't believe all the follicles that are at a good size. The tech said they measure any follicle over 10, but that they didn't expect the 10.5 ones to do anything. She said the follicle that measures 16 (in my left ovary) and the one that measures 15 (in my right ovary) could still get bigger, so we couldn't discount them. The tech said that is the reason I am having so much pain. She said that I should just take it easy. After the u/s, I saw the nurse. She said that they had to go over my risk for multiples and make sure I wanted to proceed since I have 3 good size follicles in my left ovary. She also made it clear that just because I have 3 good size follicles, nothing could still happen. I told her I understood and wanted to go ahead with the plan. She gave me the Ovidrel injection. I must just be a wimp because that burned going in, too. I have an IUI scheduled for tomorrow and Monday. I start the Prometrium on Tuesday and go for a Progesterone b/w on Friday.
I started Clomid for 5 days that evening. Instead of Gonal F, I had to purchase Follistim. I received that injection on the 5th (CD9) in the back of my upper right arm. Man, that injection stung and burned going in and even afterwards for a bit. I was glad I went in to have the nurse give me the injection instead of trying to do it myself. I don't know if I could've done it myself. I took an OPK on Wednesday and Thursday with negative results for surge. This morning when I went in for my u/s, I was having terrible pain and pulling below my stomach. I told the u/s tech and she said something must be happening. I was actually fearful that I had ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (ohs). Well thankfully that's not what the pain was. My lining was 7.6, I had no residual fluid and 4 follicles that she measured in my Left ovary. They measured 25.5, 19, 16 and 10.5. In my right ovary, I had 2 follicles that she measured. They measured 15 and 10.5. I was very excited about this news. I can't believe all the follicles that are at a good size. The tech said they measure any follicle over 10, but that they didn't expect the 10.5 ones to do anything. She said the follicle that measures 16 (in my left ovary) and the one that measures 15 (in my right ovary) could still get bigger, so we couldn't discount them. The tech said that is the reason I am having so much pain. She said that I should just take it easy. After the u/s, I saw the nurse. She said that they had to go over my risk for multiples and make sure I wanted to proceed since I have 3 good size follicles in my left ovary. She also made it clear that just because I have 3 good size follicles, nothing could still happen. I told her I understood and wanted to go ahead with the plan. She gave me the Ovidrel injection. I must just be a wimp because that burned going in, too. I have an IUI scheduled for tomorrow and Monday. I start the Prometrium on Tuesday and go for a Progesterone b/w on Friday.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
IUI, Post-Ov Ultrasound and Progesterone Bloodwork
Sorry I haven't posted an update about the IUI. I guess I have just been trying not to think about it much and trying to focus on other things so I don't drive myself crazy. June 10th, I went in for the IUI with DH's specimen in a cup tucked inside my clothes so that I could keep it close to my body (that's what they suggested I do). The IUI was about 10 minutes long. The nurse brought in the tube with the sperm and said there were lots of sperm in the specimen I brought in. Yeah!! She showed me the tube. It was cloudy looking. She said that was good and means there are lots of sperm in there. She brought out a long thin needle thing, which is what she used to inject the sperm in me. The procedure was fine except for when she hit my uterus. We were talking and I stopped in mid-sentence. She asked if I felt discomfort. I said yes. She said that she must have hit my uterus and needed me to tell her if I felt any discomfort because she can't tell how far she has injected it / if she is hitting the uterus. After the procedure, I layed on the table for about 5 minutes before I left. I felt some pressure in my vaginal area, but other than that felt OK.
I was pretty tired. DD and I took a 3+ hour nap. It was great!
I went in the next day (June 11th) for a post ovulation u/s. The tech said my lining was now at an 11. Good! She could also tell that an egg was released because there was fluid. She said we had done everything we can up to that point. She said 2 weeks after I had the Ovidrel, I can take a test. She did warm me about taking it too early though, to avoid getting another BFN. I am to call when I receive a BFP or if AF visits.
DH and I drank a bottle of one of our favorite wines (because hopefully soon I won't be drinking any for about 9-10 months) and he toasted "to our growing family." That was such a sweet toast! I loved it and I love him.
June 15th I went in for b/w to check my progesterone level. The nurse called the next day with the results. She said my level was a little low. They like it to be at least 20 and mine was at 13 (which was no surprise since my ob/gyn diagnosed me with LPD). They want me to take 100mg of Prometrium 3 times per day. She said that I should call the office by the 25th, unless I receive a BFP before that (then I need to call right away). If I get a BFN and no visit from AF, they are going to do b/w. I plan on testing today actually (the 24th).
Since then it has just been a waiting game and I have been trying to focus on other things and not think too much about it.
I was pretty tired. DD and I took a 3+ hour nap. It was great!
I went in the next day (June 11th) for a post ovulation u/s. The tech said my lining was now at an 11. Good! She could also tell that an egg was released because there was fluid. She said we had done everything we can up to that point. She said 2 weeks after I had the Ovidrel, I can take a test. She did warm me about taking it too early though, to avoid getting another BFN. I am to call when I receive a BFP or if AF visits.
DH and I drank a bottle of one of our favorite wines (because hopefully soon I won't be drinking any for about 9-10 months) and he toasted "to our growing family." That was such a sweet toast! I loved it and I love him.
June 15th I went in for b/w to check my progesterone level. The nurse called the next day with the results. She said my level was a little low. They like it to be at least 20 and mine was at 13 (which was no surprise since my ob/gyn diagnosed me with LPD). They want me to take 100mg of Prometrium 3 times per day. She said that I should call the office by the 25th, unless I receive a BFP before that (then I need to call right away). If I get a BFN and no visit from AF, they are going to do b/w. I plan on testing today actually (the 24th).
Since then it has just been a waiting game and I have been trying to focus on other things and not think too much about it.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
First Visit to the ARS
Sunday I took another test. Why do I put myself through such trama? Of course I got a BFN! Later that evening, I was preparing for my appointment on Monday with the specialist and entering my BBT in my chart at Fertility Friend. I got another glimmer of hope. From my chart, it stated that I was only 11 DPO and it was still too early for me to test. I had several signs that indicated pregnancy. I gained some hope back, but then lost the hope on Monday morning. I didn't even have to get out of bed, I knew the feelings - the cramps, the headache, the wetness. AF roared her ugly head! So, CD36 turned into CD1, just like last cycle. At least that has become consistent. DH, DD and I attended the appointment with the Advanced Reproductive Specialist (ARS). I was a little worried about taking DD to the appointment because I didn't want to upset other women who might be at the appointment. I didn't want to seem like I was rubbing her in anyone's face. I was quickly reassured about her being there by the office staff. They were all talking about her - how smart, creative, talkative, etc she is. It really helped to put me at ease. We first met with a nurse (Janna) in one of the rooms. She took my BP which was good. She weighed me (which I had lost a few pounds - yeah). She went over my paperwork, making sure she understood our situation. She went over my medication and talked to DH about his health and medication. She told me that I should stop taking the Valerian Root and Melatonin because herbal supplements can contain hormones and this could affect my fertility. She gave me a hand-out to read while we were waiting for the ARS. We didn't wait long before we were told to go into his office. He first started out asking us what questions we may have. I talked to him about taking Calcium with Vitamin D supplements. He said that he would recommend me to not take those, since I take a prenatal vitamin. He said too much could cause problems with fertility, birth defects, and be toxic to my body. He said that he felt I was not ovulating or at least not ovulating regularly. He talked to us about what he recommended in our situation. He said that since we live close by, it would be best for me to come by on CD3 to have an u/s to check my uterus and tubes. At that appointment I would also be given a physical exam and have b/w drawn. At the end of that appointment he said I would get a calendar with written instructions on what was going to happen next. He said he did not want me to start taking Prometrium on CD14 like I have been because this could be hindering my ovulation. He said that if my body was about to ovulate, it could stop it and push it back further. He doesn't want me taking it until I have ovulated. He also said that we will use Clomid to help with ovulating and that he would not increase the dose. He likes to keep the dose as low as possible, but would add other drugs if need be to help me ovulate. He gave us hope that we would be pregnant in 3-4 cycles. Obviously, he can not promise that and did share the statistics (which aren't that great), but said that since we were able to conceive before and have a healthy child it's like "money in the bank". He said another thing they will check is my CM. This is done by a postcoital test. This test will also help them figure out if DH should go ahead with the sperm analysis. He was so nice to DD and was talking to the nurses / office staff about her. They all reassured us that DD was welcome at the appointments and he even said that DD would become great friends with the girls (meaning his nurses and office staff).
I am excited about this plan. I think that he is covering all the basis and is willing to change this as we go, according to how my body is responding. DH and I are very comfortable with the plan and agree with it. It is also scary, but I am trying not to let myself think about the what ifs or anything negative.
DH kind of mentioned to my mom that we are seeing a fertility specialist. We talked about it before he mentioned it to her. He asked why I haven't told her. I told him that I just didn't like talking about it. It's nothing against my mom. I tell her lots of things, but I just have such a hard time talking about this struggle. Hence the reason I need this blog. I know that I need to talk about this struggle. I can't keep it all in, but it is so hard for me to do that. I don't know if it is admitting it, or if I am afraid of the reaction, or showing too much emotion, or being too vulnerable. I'm not sure. Maybe it is a combination of all of that. I don't want people feeling sorry for me or pitying me. I would, however, love to have someone (or many) walk alongside me (us) as we struggle with this. I know in order for that to happen I need to open up about this, but it's hard. I pray about it and have opened up a bit. I sent a prayer request to our church prayer team and asked to be prayed for at the Global Day of Prayer.
I am excited about this plan. I think that he is covering all the basis and is willing to change this as we go, according to how my body is responding. DH and I are very comfortable with the plan and agree with it. It is also scary, but I am trying not to let myself think about the what ifs or anything negative.
DH kind of mentioned to my mom that we are seeing a fertility specialist. We talked about it before he mentioned it to her. He asked why I haven't told her. I told him that I just didn't like talking about it. It's nothing against my mom. I tell her lots of things, but I just have such a hard time talking about this struggle. Hence the reason I need this blog. I know that I need to talk about this struggle. I can't keep it all in, but it is so hard for me to do that. I don't know if it is admitting it, or if I am afraid of the reaction, or showing too much emotion, or being too vulnerable. I'm not sure. Maybe it is a combination of all of that. I don't want people feeling sorry for me or pitying me. I would, however, love to have someone (or many) walk alongside me (us) as we struggle with this. I know in order for that to happen I need to open up about this, but it's hard. I pray about it and have opened up a bit. I sent a prayer request to our church prayer team and asked to be prayed for at the Global Day of Prayer.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Leap of Faith
Today is CD35 and I will probably do another test. Yes, that means I tested on the 17th (CD29 as the ob/gyn requested) and I got a BFN and have not had a visit from AF. Last cycle, AF didn't come until CD36, though. However, CD36 is the day we have our fertility appointment. After I received the BFN on May 17th, I told myself I was done with taking tests for a while. I was tired of seeing BFNs with every test. It was such a slap in the face, such a heart break, such a let down. I felt like my heart couldn't see another BFN. I couldn't put myself through that again. It's always such a loss. A loss for something that never existed. I have to go through the grieving process with every BFN - denial (somethings wrong with the test, it can't be negative), anger (why God? why me?), bargaining (please God, please), depression (crying in my bed for that morning or sometimes most of the day) and finally acceptance (as much as 1 can accept not being pregnant yet again). Somedays I feel like my infertility gets the best of me, like it is going to be the death of me. Other days I feel like I have really given the burden to Jesus and laid it at His feet. Those are the days that I can be with friends who have 2+ kids and / or are pregnant (again). Those are days that I can look at babies and just realize what a blessing they are. Don't get me wrong, I always feel that babies /children are a blessing from God, but when I am having a day when my infertility is going to be the end of me, I become very angry, jealous, hurt, vulnerable, etc. I don't want to see a pregnant woman, a mom with children (especially more than 1) or any babies for that matter. Those are glimpses of what I can't have and it's hard to swallow.
Why put myself through another test later on today? Well because DH thinks I am pregnant, just like he has several times before (but of course I haven't been). But also because I have not been obsessed with taking tests. Typically, I take a test every other day until AF starts (starting on CD29). Yeah, I go through a lot of tests each month. I get them from the $1 Store and they are supposed to be good ones. I have not wanted to do that (test every other day). I have actually been pretty calm and not anxious about it. I have had a headache on and off for about a week. The last 3 days, I have not been able to get rid of the headache. I have also been feeling very nauseous and having lots of food aversions. I remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with DD. Maybe it's hopeful thinking, but I think it's worth a shot. I would hate to go to the fertility appointment on Monday and find out I am pregnant. I don't even know if our insurance covers this appointment and haven't called to find out because well I don't want to know. Because if it doesn't, I don't care. We will go into debt, we will do whatever it takes to have more children, or at least I will (and I am pretty sure DH is on board with that).
Another thing that has helped me started feeling more positive is my faith in God. I remember when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. A mother with a lot of children. Playing with my dolls was my favorite thing to do. I really feel that early on God promised that I would be a mother to many children. I hope that means many children of our own and not in some in-direct way. I have always felt that I was born to be a mother (not that I am perfect, by any means). This is not to negate the fact that I am a mother to a beautliful little girl. I love her more than life. I love her more than anything and I am so blessed to have her. Thank You God for allowing me to be her mother. I don't know what I did to deserve her, but thank You! I also feel that she was made to be a big sister. She would make the most amazing sister to lots of brothers and sisters. I feel that God has made her that way for a purpose.
I took a big step. Just the other night I sent a prayer request into my church prayer team asking for prayers in regards to our struggle with infertility. This was a huge step for me because I have not known how to ask for this. God gave me the strength to just do it and reach out. To ask for prayer. When I checked my email last night I received an email from one of the pastors at our church saying that he would be praying for us and support us in anyway he could. Tears came to my eyes when I read the email. I thanked God for this email and for this support. It was as if a little of the burden (or maybe shame) had been lifted. In fact I am crying now because it is so emotional and so private. As much as I hate this burden, I am so happy to have another person supporting us and praying for us during this very difficult time. The only people I have shared this burden / struggle / shame with (besides DH and praying to God) is you all and now to our church prayer team. I guess I took a leap of faith.
Why put myself through another test later on today? Well because DH thinks I am pregnant, just like he has several times before (but of course I haven't been). But also because I have not been obsessed with taking tests. Typically, I take a test every other day until AF starts (starting on CD29). Yeah, I go through a lot of tests each month. I get them from the $1 Store and they are supposed to be good ones. I have not wanted to do that (test every other day). I have actually been pretty calm and not anxious about it. I have had a headache on and off for about a week. The last 3 days, I have not been able to get rid of the headache. I have also been feeling very nauseous and having lots of food aversions. I remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with DD. Maybe it's hopeful thinking, but I think it's worth a shot. I would hate to go to the fertility appointment on Monday and find out I am pregnant. I don't even know if our insurance covers this appointment and haven't called to find out because well I don't want to know. Because if it doesn't, I don't care. We will go into debt, we will do whatever it takes to have more children, or at least I will (and I am pretty sure DH is on board with that).
Another thing that has helped me started feeling more positive is my faith in God. I remember when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. A mother with a lot of children. Playing with my dolls was my favorite thing to do. I really feel that early on God promised that I would be a mother to many children. I hope that means many children of our own and not in some in-direct way. I have always felt that I was born to be a mother (not that I am perfect, by any means). This is not to negate the fact that I am a mother to a beautliful little girl. I love her more than life. I love her more than anything and I am so blessed to have her. Thank You God for allowing me to be her mother. I don't know what I did to deserve her, but thank You! I also feel that she was made to be a big sister. She would make the most amazing sister to lots of brothers and sisters. I feel that God has made her that way for a purpose.
I took a big step. Just the other night I sent a prayer request into my church prayer team asking for prayers in regards to our struggle with infertility. This was a huge step for me because I have not known how to ask for this. God gave me the strength to just do it and reach out. To ask for prayer. When I checked my email last night I received an email from one of the pastors at our church saying that he would be praying for us and support us in anyway he could. Tears came to my eyes when I read the email. I thanked God for this email and for this support. It was as if a little of the burden (or maybe shame) had been lifted. In fact I am crying now because it is so emotional and so private. As much as I hate this burden, I am so happy to have another person supporting us and praying for us during this very difficult time. The only people I have shared this burden / struggle / shame with (besides DH and praying to God) is you all and now to our church prayer team. I guess I took a leap of faith.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Not the One
Last cycle was not the cycle for us. I test on April 12th, 14th and 17th and received a BFN every time. AF came and CD36 became CD1. It is getting harder and harder for me to be around my group of friends. Almost all of them have 2 children and actually 1 just told me that she is pregnant with her 3rd. While I am so happy for her, I just can't help but be upset that it's not me. I feel unwelcomed or like a don't fit in with them. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to be friends with them. At first I tried to put it off on them, but have actually come to the awareness / realization that it is me. I have not shared this struggle / battle with any of them. They are aware that I have PCOS and LPD, but not that we are and have been TTC since the end of August / beginning of September 2009. When asked if we will have more kids (which is not very often by them), I always tell them we aren't sure or not yet. I just hate to feel vulnerable and be pitied or felt sorry for. I just don't feel I can open that part up to them. I have shared other struggles with them and didn't get the support I needed / wanted / hoped for from them, so I can't share this with them.
I started my 2nd round of Clomid on April 23rd (which was CD5) and took it until the 27th (CD9). I started Prometrium on May 2nd (CD14). I have also been charting my temperatures since April 24th. This has just added to the confusion. My temp started around 97.05 then dropped to 96.5, then rose back up to the highest being 97.6. I have not had any other signs of ovulation - mucus or cramps, so I am thinking I have not ovulated this cycle or at least not yet. I am not really sure how to read the chart (for my temps), even though I have read up on it. I am currently on CD20 and have given up hope for this cycle.
We attended a friends' baby shower. It was actually for their 2nd child. While I am so happy for them, I can't help be a little pissed. This friend didn't even know if they wanted kids and now she gets blessed with 2! I know it is harsh for me to say that or even feel that way. She is a really good friend. Probably close to the best or most supportive friend I have, but it is still hard to swallow. I haven't even been able to bring myself to share this struggle of TTC with her, either. It's almost like a Jekyl / Hyde thing. I am so happy for them, yet so jealous, angry, pissed, etc that it is not me.
My friends have scheduled a few playdates / get togethers that I have just skipped because I just can't be around them. It is so difficult. They don't understand what I am going through. I know I haven't told them. I haven't shared it with them and they are not mind readers, but still I just feel like I don't belong with them and can't be around them. I have started withdrawing from a lot of public situations because it is so upsetting to see someone pregnant or with multiple children. I have tried to be OK with it and put my trust in God, but somedays it seems that it is thrown in my face. I have thought of talking to someone at our church about our secondary infertility and seeking counseling for it. But I just don't know how to start the conversation. The other night I just lied in bed next to DH crying. He doesn't know what to say and doesn't understand fully. He wants another child, but says if we can't have one of our own we will adopt. I know that I would love any child that we adopted and have always wanted to adopt, but didn't think I would be "forced to it". I guess I struggle with, why me? What did I do to deserve to not be able to have any more biological children? Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have DD. She is such a joy. She is what makes me go on. She is the light of my life. I enjoy her so much.
This struggle is obviously very personal and I have looked to the Bible for answers and have been praying to God for answers. If His answer is no, I pray that He gives me the courage and strength to cope with that. I do know that deep down His plan is what is best for me. I do trust in that.
So I will humor myself and test in 9 days like my ob/gyn told me too. The good news / light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I called the specialist and they were able to schedule us for May 24th. I was happy and confident with this date because at that point we should know for sure whether this 2nd round of Clomid has worked. I was hoping it wouldn't come to seeking the help of a specialist (not that I feel above it, just wanted it to come the easy way). Of course, I was also hoping that it wouldn't come down to us having to start Clomid and we have for 2 rounds now. I guess I just need to learn to deal with it better.
I started my 2nd round of Clomid on April 23rd (which was CD5) and took it until the 27th (CD9). I started Prometrium on May 2nd (CD14). I have also been charting my temperatures since April 24th. This has just added to the confusion. My temp started around 97.05 then dropped to 96.5, then rose back up to the highest being 97.6. I have not had any other signs of ovulation - mucus or cramps, so I am thinking I have not ovulated this cycle or at least not yet. I am not really sure how to read the chart (for my temps), even though I have read up on it. I am currently on CD20 and have given up hope for this cycle.
We attended a friends' baby shower. It was actually for their 2nd child. While I am so happy for them, I can't help be a little pissed. This friend didn't even know if they wanted kids and now she gets blessed with 2! I know it is harsh for me to say that or even feel that way. She is a really good friend. Probably close to the best or most supportive friend I have, but it is still hard to swallow. I haven't even been able to bring myself to share this struggle of TTC with her, either. It's almost like a Jekyl / Hyde thing. I am so happy for them, yet so jealous, angry, pissed, etc that it is not me.
My friends have scheduled a few playdates / get togethers that I have just skipped because I just can't be around them. It is so difficult. They don't understand what I am going through. I know I haven't told them. I haven't shared it with them and they are not mind readers, but still I just feel like I don't belong with them and can't be around them. I have started withdrawing from a lot of public situations because it is so upsetting to see someone pregnant or with multiple children. I have tried to be OK with it and put my trust in God, but somedays it seems that it is thrown in my face. I have thought of talking to someone at our church about our secondary infertility and seeking counseling for it. But I just don't know how to start the conversation. The other night I just lied in bed next to DH crying. He doesn't know what to say and doesn't understand fully. He wants another child, but says if we can't have one of our own we will adopt. I know that I would love any child that we adopted and have always wanted to adopt, but didn't think I would be "forced to it". I guess I struggle with, why me? What did I do to deserve to not be able to have any more biological children? Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have DD. She is such a joy. She is what makes me go on. She is the light of my life. I enjoy her so much.
This struggle is obviously very personal and I have looked to the Bible for answers and have been praying to God for answers. If His answer is no, I pray that He gives me the courage and strength to cope with that. I do know that deep down His plan is what is best for me. I do trust in that.
So I will humor myself and test in 9 days like my ob/gyn told me too. The good news / light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I called the specialist and they were able to schedule us for May 24th. I was happy and confident with this date because at that point we should know for sure whether this 2nd round of Clomid has worked. I was hoping it wouldn't come to seeking the help of a specialist (not that I feel above it, just wanted it to come the easy way). Of course, I was also hoping that it wouldn't come down to us having to start Clomid and we have for 2 rounds now. I guess I just need to learn to deal with it better.
Monday, March 22, 2010
First Cycle of Clomid
On CD29, I took a pregnancy test and received a BFN. I took another Prometrium that night before bed, since this was the game plan discussed with my ob/gyn. The next day CD30 turned into CD1. I was excited that AF came so soon, but sad because I was really hoping that I had just tested too early. DH was sad too when I told him the test results. I think we both were hoping I had just tested too soon. We were hoping to get pregnant before having to start the Clomid.
Friday was CD5 and my first day taking Clomid. I was scared because I didn't know how it would effect me. The ob/gyn warned that it brings hot flashes, mood swings and feels like you are going through menopause. I try to take it later in the day. I think the effects have been minimal. I do think it does make my moods go from 0-10 in a matter of seconds. One minute I am fine and the next I am angry. Having PCOS, I have had mood swings, but those had gotten better since February. I have only experienced a few hot flashes since taking the Clomid. I also had these hot flashes before taking Clomid. So of course, I am worried that maybe the Clomid isn't working or won't work. Before starting the Clomid, I was telling myself that I just need to embrace whatever side effects (mood swings, hot flashes) that it brings because that is how I know it will be working. But since it is nothing like I thought it would be, I am worried that it's not working on me. I guess we will see. It is a waiting game, isn't it?
Friday was CD5 and my first day taking Clomid. I was scared because I didn't know how it would effect me. The ob/gyn warned that it brings hot flashes, mood swings and feels like you are going through menopause. I try to take it later in the day. I think the effects have been minimal. I do think it does make my moods go from 0-10 in a matter of seconds. One minute I am fine and the next I am angry. Having PCOS, I have had mood swings, but those had gotten better since February. I have only experienced a few hot flashes since taking the Clomid. I also had these hot flashes before taking Clomid. So of course, I am worried that maybe the Clomid isn't working or won't work. Before starting the Clomid, I was telling myself that I just need to embrace whatever side effects (mood swings, hot flashes) that it brings because that is how I know it will be working. But since it is nothing like I thought it would be, I am worried that it's not working on me. I guess we will see. It is a waiting game, isn't it?
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