Sunday I took another test. Why do I put myself through such trama? Of course I got a BFN! Later that evening, I was preparing for my appointment on Monday with the specialist and entering my BBT in my chart at Fertility Friend. I got another glimmer of hope. From my chart, it stated that I was only 11 DPO and it was still too early for me to test. I had several signs that indicated pregnancy. I gained some hope back, but then lost the hope on Monday morning. I didn't even have to get out of bed, I knew the feelings - the cramps, the headache, the wetness. AF roared her ugly head! So, CD36 turned into CD1, just like last cycle. At least that has become consistent. DH, DD and I attended the appointment with the Advanced Reproductive Specialist (ARS). I was a little worried about taking DD to the appointment because I didn't want to upset other women who might be at the appointment. I didn't want to seem like I was rubbing her in anyone's face. I was quickly reassured about her being there by the office staff. They were all talking about her - how smart, creative, talkative, etc she is. It really helped to put me at ease. We first met with a nurse (Janna) in one of the rooms. She took my BP which was good. She weighed me (which I had lost a few pounds - yeah). She went over my paperwork, making sure she understood our situation. She went over my medication and talked to DH about his health and medication. She told me that I should stop taking the Valerian Root and Melatonin because herbal supplements can contain hormones and this could affect my fertility. She gave me a hand-out to read while we were waiting for the ARS. We didn't wait long before we were told to go into his office. He first started out asking us what questions we may have. I talked to him about taking Calcium with Vitamin D supplements. He said that he would recommend me to not take those, since I take a prenatal vitamin. He said too much could cause problems with fertility, birth defects, and be toxic to my body. He said that he felt I was not ovulating or at least not ovulating regularly. He talked to us about what he recommended in our situation. He said that since we live close by, it would be best for me to come by on CD3 to have an u/s to check my uterus and tubes. At that appointment I would also be given a physical exam and have b/w drawn. At the end of that appointment he said I would get a calendar with written instructions on what was going to happen next. He said he did not want me to start taking Prometrium on CD14 like I have been because this could be hindering my ovulation. He said that if my body was about to ovulate, it could stop it and push it back further. He doesn't want me taking it until I have ovulated. He also said that we will use Clomid to help with ovulating and that he would not increase the dose. He likes to keep the dose as low as possible, but would add other drugs if need be to help me ovulate. He gave us hope that we would be pregnant in 3-4 cycles. Obviously, he can not promise that and did share the statistics (which aren't that great), but said that since we were able to conceive before and have a healthy child it's like "money in the bank". He said another thing they will check is my CM. This is done by a postcoital test. This test will also help them figure out if DH should go ahead with the sperm analysis. He was so nice to DD and was talking to the nurses / office staff about her. They all reassured us that DD was welcome at the appointments and he even said that DD would become great friends with the girls (meaning his nurses and office staff).
I am excited about this plan. I think that he is covering all the basis and is willing to change this as we go, according to how my body is responding. DH and I are very comfortable with the plan and agree with it. It is also scary, but I am trying not to let myself think about the what ifs or anything negative.
DH kind of mentioned to my mom that we are seeing a fertility specialist. We talked about it before he mentioned it to her. He asked why I haven't told her. I told him that I just didn't like talking about it. It's nothing against my mom. I tell her lots of things, but I just have such a hard time talking about this struggle. Hence the reason I need this blog. I know that I need to talk about this struggle. I can't keep it all in, but it is so hard for me to do that. I don't know if it is admitting it, or if I am afraid of the reaction, or showing too much emotion, or being too vulnerable. I'm not sure. Maybe it is a combination of all of that. I don't want people feeling sorry for me or pitying me. I would, however, love to have someone (or many) walk alongside me (us) as we struggle with this. I know in order for that to happen I need to open up about this, but it's hard. I pray about it and have opened up a bit. I sent a prayer request to our church prayer team and asked to be prayed for at the Global Day of Prayer.