Sperm Smuggler

I had my first IUI for this cycle on July 10th.  As I was carrying the specimen into the ARS / RE's office, I felt as though I was smuggling something.  That morning when DH saw me take the cup with his specimen and put it in my pants (to keep it next to my body), he laughed.  I guess I'm a Sperm Smuggler!  Anyway, I waited about 45 minutes in the waiting room for the sperm to be washed and cleaned.  Kathy was my nurse for this IUI round.  She said they got a good sample.  She said something like 5 or 50 million sperm or something like that.  I can't remember because of the pain that came soon after.  It hurt!  It hurt bad.  I was already really sore and in pain with my ovaries and then to have this catheter being put up me was no fun.  She said that part of the pain was the catheter hitting the wall because it had to curve to get to the uterus and the other part of the pain had to do with overstimulation and having a lot going on in my body.  It hurt much worse than the IUI from my last cycle.  It took everything in me not to jump off the table, but I just reminded myself why I was there and what the end goal would be (hopefully).  I definitely had a dialogue with God while on the table during the IUI and afterwards while I lay still hoping and praying and begging God that this works this time.  I came home and took a nap. 

Monday the 12th, I went in for the second IUI this cycle.  Once again I smuggled sperm into the ARS / RE's office.  It took about 40 minutes for them to wash and clean the sperm this round. I had a different nurse.  She said it was another good sample.  I actually had no pain with this procedure and it seemed over and done with so quick.  As I was laying on the table I did feel some pain, cramping and / or twitching.  As I lay on the table afterwards, I had a talk with God.  This talk was different.  Of course I was praying that this was our cycle.  That this was it, but something definitely felt different.  Later in the day, I was more crampy / twitchy than I was with the other IUI this cycle and last cycle.    

Tuesday the 13th I started taking Prometrium 100mg 3 times / day.  By the end of the day, it typically knocks me out.  Also something that is a little TMI, we also BD near my ovulation time too.  Hoping that one of those little guys would make their way up there and find their way in one way or another.

Friday, I forgot to get my b/w for my progesterone level done.  The lab was closed on Saturday.  I couldn't believe I forgot.  I remembered that I needed to go Thursday night and by Friday it completely slipped my mind.  Since about Wednesday, I have been having a pain in my boob area.  I have been having horrible back pain and been extremely fatigued. Thursday night DH made some popcorn and the smell of the oil made me sick, nauseous sick. Friday, I had pain in my lower abdomen.  Friday evening, I had pain in my upper stomach and was nauseous by the smell of peanut butter.  My stomach was kind of hard (but not from constipation). I have had diarrhea or gastro issues like gas (sorry TMI).  I have been extremely forgetful too. As I said I forget to get my b/w done, I have been mixing up dates for things in my calendar, can't remember one thing from the next and even put my pants on backwards (thankfully they were my pj bottoms).

I called the ARS / RE's office about forgetting to get my b/w done and Kim (the nurse) told me that it is  timed with the Ovidrel, so it would be too late to get it done.  She said not to worry about it because I am already taking Prometrium.

Monday night I was very emotional, crying over everything.  What first got me started was my stomach.  It was so nauseous.  Then I started crying because I couldn't figure out when DD's first day of school was.  Then DH told me my pj bottoms were on backwards and I started crying all over again.  Last night I couldn't sleep and was crying over DD going to school and anything else I could think of.  I have also been a little bit snippy, blunt or to the point more quickly with people.  I have also noticed more CM, frequent urination, extreme nauseous, insomnia, fatigue and hair loss.  I don't know what these symptoms are all from.  It could be from the Metformin, the Prometrium or because I have PCOS. Or it could and I am hoping it is because I am pregnant.  I have been wanting to shout it out that I am pregnant.  I don't know if it's because my body knows I am (already) or if it's because I am crazy and just being too optimistic / hopeful.  I did feel like that when I was pregnant with DD, so here's hoping.  I have also been counting my possible due date which would be early to mid April. DH counted it out too and we compared the due dates we came up with.  DH and I have been talking about names and the possibility of twins and when we would tell family.  The other day DD told me I was going to have a baby soon.  She has always talked about wanting a brother or a sister, mainly a sister, but to tell me I was going to have a baby soon kind of freaked me out.  She seems so sure.  We do not tell her about what is going on with our struggle TTC.  When she asks about having a sibling, we tell her to pray to Jesus about it.

Because of all the symptoms I'm having and because I am kind of driving myself crazy this cycle, I am going to test on Friday and then again the following Friday unless AF has reared her ugly head.

So once again, I am asking for prayers that this will be our cycle.  This IUI business is not cheap even with insurance paying for some of it.  So far I think we owe / have paid about $1000 for the 2 cycles we have done with the ARS / RE.  I realize that for some couples that is nothing compared to their struggle with TTC, but to us that is pretty expensive.  We live on 1 pretty minor income.

PostCoital Test

Wednesday I woke up with a horrible back ache.  It ached all day.  I went to the ARS' office for the postcoital test.  I guess I have been in the office enough, I didn't even have to check in. As soon as I walked in the door, the receptionist waved to me.  They were running late, about 30 minutes.  This was the first time I have ever had to wait.  It was no big deal.  Things / emergencies, non-emergencies come up.  The doctor was actually not in.  He was in Portland and then heading to San Diego for a conference.  After the nurse called my name and took me to the exam room and after undressing from the waist down, while I was sitting on the table, I noticed a very long pair of scissors on the exam table.  Actually I wasn't sure at that point if they were scissors or what they were.  They looked like scissors and I was kind of starting to freak out.  I almost took a picture of the instrument, but didn't want the nurse to walk in and see me bare butt taking a picture of this instrument.  The nurse came in and we started talking about the instrument.  She said that they probably shouldn't have put it out on the exam table first because it might have freaked me out.  I told her that I was a little scared of it.  She said that the exam would feel similar to a pap smear.  She said that she would stick the scissor-like instrument up me to get samples (4 of them) of my CM.  It didn't really hurt per say, but was uncomfortable and definitely lasted longer than a pap smear (at least any I have ever had).  She said that I had plenty of CM, which was good because sometimes when women take Clomid it messes / depletes their CM.  She took the 4 slides in to look at.  When she came back, I could tell that the news wasn't the best.  She said that my CM looks good, but there aren't as many sperm as they like to see swimming around.  She said they like to see 5-10 and only saw maybe 2-3.  The nurse said that at this point we could do 2 things: 1) could do IUI the next day and then continue with the plan or 2) continue with the plan.  She explained what IUI was - DH collects his sample in a container at home no more than an hour before my appointment.  I bring the sample to the office and they clean and select the "perfect" sperm which takes 45-50 minutes then they use a catheter to insert the sperm into me.  She said that this procedure costs $250.  She said normally for an IUI cycle, they would do it 2 times per each cycle, but since I had the postcoital test this cycle, we could only do it 1 time.  She said that there is a possibility (small) that I could get pregnant with the 2-3 sperm that are there and that it was up to us. She said if I thought DH and I would be at all interested to go ahead and schedule it and that I could always cancel it.  DH said that we should go through with it.  So in a little over 6 hours, he will collect a sample and then I will take it to the ARS' office and the IUI procedure will be started. 

I have to say when the nurse said that there wasn't enough sperm in the CM, I had mixed feelings. Part of me was like what, I can't believe that about my man.  Then I was almost relieved that this wasn't all my "fault".  Then I was kind of scared and unsure of what to do / think next.  DH said after I told him the news, he felt depressed at first.  He said that he started thinking "It's because I'm overweight."  "It's because I drink too much diet coke."  "It's because of the underwear I wore growing up."  Then he said that he told himself "Why should I do this to myself, I didn't think this way about DW when we thought it was issues with her?"  I told him that he has a glimpse of what I feel like every day.  Now he knows (kind of) what I feel like and how I feel.  The truth is it is not my fault or his fault.  I don't know why my body won't ovulate (regularly) on it's own and why he had low sperm count / numbers in the CM.  I don't know if we will ever know.  Maybe it is something that we did or are doing, but maybe it isn't.  Maybe that's just the way it is and no matter what we did or do, it will still be the same.  I know that God is preparing our hearts for a 2nd child.  When we are ready He will bless us with that wonderful gift.  It's on His terms and time table.  All we can do is pray to Him and keep loving each other.  We definitely can't blame each other or ourselves.

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

CD3 ARS Appointment

Wednesday the 26th I went to the ARS for an u/s, exam and b/w.  The ultrasound tech did a regular u/s and a vaginal u/s.  She showed me the follicles in my ovaries.  She said that on the screen they looked like a chocolate chip cookie. The ovaries being the cookie and the follicles being the chocolate chips.  Once she said that, it really did!.  After the u/s, I went to an exam room where the nurse had me get undressed and I  waited for her and the ARS to come in.  The ARS said he had good news: my uterus looked good and I have a lot of eggs (which could be because of the PCOS but it is probably more a sign of my fertility). Basically he said we just need to try to control my ovulation or see if we can control it. He did tell me that I have a fibroid.  He said it was very tiny and that they don't typically do anything for ones that tiny.  They will watch it to make sure it doesn't grow / get very big.  Since my period was different this month (much lighter and at that point almost non-existent), he ordered an HCG to make sure that I was not pregnant. he said if I was it would probably not take and we would have to wait for the numbers to drop.  He did an exam, taking samples in case we have to do IVF (and there might have been other reasons that I don't remember).  The nurse gave me a calendar for May and June that showed our plan outlined. Basically I took Clomid CD3-CD7 (5 nights). Then I started using an OPK on the 3rd (which was CD11) and was scheduled to come back to the office for another u/s on the 5th (CD13).  If the OPK showed a surge before my u/s, I was to call the office.  The nurse faxed a prescription for Ovidrel (an injection that I received through the mail).  I was told to bring the Ovidrel with me to my u/s on the 5th, if I had not had a surge before then.  Basically, when I have a surge, I take the Ovidrel.  The nurse said she didn't expect me to have a surge before the 5th, but I needed to test just in case.  She said to plan on coming back into the office for a postcoital test the 7th-9th.  Basically after I get the surge, I do the shot of Ovidrel, then we do the BD and come in to have my CM and the sperm checked. 

The Clomid (still the same dose) this time, seemed to make me very angry and on edge.  I barked and snapped at DH and DD several times.  Actually I don't know if it's the Clomid or the stress from being infertile and not being pregnant yet.  It's easier to blame the Clomid though.

First Visit to the ARS

Sunday I took another test.  Why do I put myself through such trama?  Of course I got a BFN!  Later that evening, I was preparing for my appointment on Monday with the specialist and entering my BBT in my chart at Fertility Friend.  I got another glimmer of hope.  From my chart, it stated that I was only 11 DPO and it was still too early for me to test.  I had several signs that indicated pregnancy.  I gained some hope back, but then lost the hope on Monday morning.  I didn't even have to get out of bed, I knew the feelings - the cramps, the headache, the wetness.  AF roared her ugly head!  So, CD36 turned into CD1, just like last cycle.  At least that has become consistent.  DH, DD and I attended the appointment with the Advanced Reproductive Specialist (ARS).  I was a little worried about taking DD to the appointment because I didn't want to upset other women who might be at the appointment.  I didn't want to seem like I was rubbing her in anyone's face.  I was quickly reassured about her being there by the office staff.  They were all talking about her - how smart, creative, talkative, etc she is.  It really helped to put me at ease.  We first met with a nurse (Janna) in one of the rooms.  She took my BP which was good.  She weighed me (which I had lost a few pounds - yeah).  She went over my paperwork, making sure she understood our situation.  She went over my medication and talked to DH about his health and medication.  She told me that I should stop taking the Valerian Root and Melatonin because herbal supplements can contain hormones and this could affect my fertility.  She gave me a hand-out to read while we were waiting for the ARS.  We didn't wait long before we were told to go into his office.  He first started out asking us what questions we may have.  I talked to him about taking Calcium with Vitamin D supplements.  He said that he would recommend me to not take those, since I take a prenatal vitamin.  He said too much could cause problems with fertility, birth defects, and be toxic to my body.  He said that he felt I was not ovulating or at least not ovulating regularly.  He talked to us about what he recommended in our situation.  He said that since we live close by, it would be best for me to come by on CD3 to have an u/s to check my uterus and tubes.  At that appointment I would also be given a physical exam and have b/w drawn.  At the end of that appointment he said I would get a calendar with written instructions on what was going to happen next.  He said he did not want me to start taking Prometrium on CD14 like I have been because this could be hindering my ovulation.  He said that if my body was about to ovulate, it could stop it and push it back further.  He doesn't want me taking it until I have ovulated.  He also said that we will use Clomid to help with ovulating and that he would not increase the dose.  He likes to keep the dose as low as possible, but would add other drugs if need be to help me ovulate.  He gave us hope that we would be pregnant in 3-4 cycles.  Obviously, he can not promise that and did share the statistics (which aren't that great), but said that since we were able to conceive before and have a healthy child it's like "money in the bank".  He said another thing they will check is my CM.  This is done by a postcoital test.  This test will also help them figure out if DH should go ahead with the sperm analysis.  He was so nice to DD and was talking to the nurses / office staff about her.  They all reassured us that DD was welcome at the appointments and he even said that DD would become great friends with the girls (meaning his nurses and office staff). 

I am excited about this plan.  I think that he is covering all the basis and is willing to change this as we go, according to how my body is responding.  DH and I are very comfortable with the plan and agree with it.  It is also scary, but I am trying not to let myself think about the what ifs or anything negative. 

DH kind of mentioned to my mom that we are seeing a fertility specialist.  We talked about it before he mentioned it to her.  He asked why I haven't told her.  I told him that I just didn't like talking about it.  It's nothing against my mom.  I tell her lots of things, but I just have such a hard time talking about this struggle.  Hence the reason I need this blog.  I know that I need to talk about this struggle.  I can't keep it all in, but it is so hard for me to do that.  I don't know if it is admitting it, or if I am afraid of the reaction, or showing too much emotion, or being too vulnerable.  I'm not sure.  Maybe it is a combination of all of that.  I don't want people feeling sorry for me or pitying me.  I would, however, love to have someone (or many) walk alongside me (us) as we struggle with this.  I know in order for that to happen I need to open up about this, but it's hard.  I pray about it and have opened up a bit.  I sent a prayer request to our church prayer team and asked to be prayed for at the Global Day of Prayer.   

U/S

I started Prometrium on Saturday the 27th (since it was CD14).  I am hoping this cycle will be it.  Another thing I forgot to mention about my appointment with the ob/gyn was we discussed whether I was ovulating.  I was thinking that I probably wasn't.  She said the pains I am having could be ovulation.  I also told her that I have had the cervical mucus (even cycles when I haven't had AF for over 40 days), she said I could very well have ovulated then too.  Apparently you don't have to have AF to ovulate. 

Thursday I had the u/s.  I told the tech that I was still having the pains on my right side, but also my left side has been hurting (even more than the right) and the center of my abdomen has been sensitive / soar.  She did 2 types of u/s.  She showed me my ovaries, cysts, follicles, etc.  She said that it's not common for women with PCOS to have pains (but I am not sure how much she really knows about PCOS because from what I have read, it is very possible).
The ob/gyn's office called with the results later that day.  The u/s confirmed / was consistent with PCOS.  There is no blockage or scar tissue.  My ovaries are functioning, but with PCOS.  Normal treatment for PCOS is to suppress the ovaries, but since we are TTC, we don't want to do that.  She said the pain is just from the PCOS.  She said the u/s showed tons of cysts (almost like an overactivity), but that is PCOS.  The pain is from the PCOS and there isn't much they / I can do about it.  She said to take Tylenol, keep hydrated and to make sure I am not constipated.  She said that Metformin is a good drug to make the ovaries function.  She wants me to keep them posted.  I asked if she could tell from the u/s if I ovulated this month this I was on CD19 and she said that she couldn't tell. U/s isn't a good tool for that. 
So, at least I have no blockages or scar tissue, but I have major pain a lot.  Thankfully the pain doesn't last a long time, but it does happen frequently.