Good News Turned Devastating

Saturday July 31st, I received a vm from the nurse at the RE's office.  She said she received the results of my b/w and that she hated to leave the results on vm.  She said my HCG came back positive, but the level was low indicating that I would miscarry.  She said over the next few days I would start to bleed and I would have to get a few more blood tests done to make sure everything was out of my system.  She said she was really sorry and that unfortunately this happens sometimes.  I was so devastated, but glad that she left the vm because I was able to let DH listen to it.  I don't know if I would have been able to tell him.  I was crying so hard.  I was so upset by that news.  I can't believe our prayers were answered, I was pregnant, but then our prayers were shattered and I was miscarrying.  To know that you are pregnant (or were) and just waiting to miscarry is such a terrible feeling.  Actually I didn't and still don't know how to feel about it.  They say it is an early miscarriage and most women don't even know about it.  They just think they are having a late period that month.  I wondered if that is what had been happening to us every month, but am pretty sure that it hadn't been the case now.  It is called a chemical pregnancy because it was only verified by b/w and not u/s (at least that's what I read). For some reason, this terminology makes me feel like it is not a real pregnancy / not a real loss.

Sunday August 1st, we had tickets to a ballgame.  Of course, I didn't want to go, but for DH's and DD's sakes felt I just needed to suck it up.  The worst thing was that I started bleeding right before we left.  Before the bleeding started I was holding out hope and praying that I would not bleed and end up finding out everything was going to be OK.  After I started bleeding, of course I lost the hope and just felt sad.  I told my niece about what happened and she was sad and supportive about it.  DH hasn't really said much about it so I really don't know how he feels about it.  He has been supportive.  My flow was heavy and crampy.

I called the RE's office on Monday, the 2nd.  They said that I would need to have at least 1 more blood test and scheduled it for Thursday the 5th.  She said the RE wanted us to take a break this month and that we could start TTC again after my next period.  She said that the good thing is we know we are on the right track.  A good friend that also has PCOS contacted me and I told her about what happened.  She has been very supportive, sending text messages, offering to babysit DD, offering to bring dinner over and sending me a very sweet card.  My niece and I told my mom about the miscarriage on Tuesday.

I was feeling pretty down until Wednesday.  Not only struggling with my feelings regarding the miscarriage, but then thinking about DD.  Somehow, she thought she was getting a baby brother.  Now what do I tell her?  I really felt like a failure that I couldn't give her a sibling.  By Wednesday, I was starting to feel a little better.  Thursday I went to have another HCG done and it came back negative.  The RE's office said to call them when I have my next period so we can start TTC again (if that's what we want to do) and to make sure we use contraception this month (just in case).  Saturday the 7th, we went by my sister's house and she said my niece told her what happened and that she is there for me if I ever want to talk about it.  I have received a lot of support from the few that know what is going on and it is very much appreciated.  AF lasted about 5 days, but came back 1 more day for spotting. 

I have avoided writing this post for so long because I am still confused and unsure of how I feel about it all. I have been trying to figure it out.  My belief is that life begins at conception, so this is a life that I have lost.  Right?  I think part of the issue is I wonder if I have any right to grieve.  I have read and heard stories about women having miscarriages after seeing their baby in an u/s or even women well into their 3rd trimester.  Surely they deserve to grieve more than me, right?  I didn't get to see my baby at all.  As soon as I found out for sure I was pregnant, I found out I was losing the baby.  

I have always heard that it is good to have the nauseous and sickness feelings because it means your pregnancy is strong.  That is a bunch of BS.  I had all those symptoms and feelings and it didn't mean a darn thing.  I still lost my baby.  Up until Saturday night I had some of the symptoms.  It seems like such a sick joke, all of it.  The symptoms, knowing of the positive blood test. 

I keep trying to tell myself to look at the positives.  At least I have been pregnant twice.  Once resulting in a beautiful healthy baby (my 3.5 year old).  And that it was for the best for this baby.  I have read that there was probably some type of chromosome abnormality and it was for the best. 

Not only have I been sad about the miscarriage, but then to have to bench this month< I was not happy about that.  I have actually come to grips with that part though.  I have actually told myself this is all for the best.  DD started school this month.  School ends in May. If we end up getting to start TTC in September, and get pregnant, the baby would be due sometime in June.  This would work out great because DD would be out of school and get to spend a few months home with me and the baby.  I really would like for her to get to be home with us for a few months before returning to school.   It feels weird writing this.  Almost like it is disrespectful to the baby I lost. 

Yesterday DD was playing with her cousin (who is around her age).  Her cousin said something about DD's brother.  I said DD doesn't have a brother.  She said well DD said she had a brother.  That almost made me cry.  Does DD know something that I didn't get to know?

All the Symptoms

Friday July 23rd, I took a HPT and received a BFN.  I had been craving chips and cheese dip pretty much all week, itchy boobs, pains in right and left ovaries, angry and hormones just raging. Thursday and Friday, I had heartburn.  I was having pains in my vaginal area, feeling nauseous, having food aversions (hardly anything sounded good to me), yet very hungry, and when I did find something that appealed to me I wanted to eat! I was also getting the urge to buy baby stuff / boy clothes.  I was also having problems with smells getting to me and having hot flashes. I took another HPT on Friday July 30th and received another BFN.  I called the RE's office and the nurse said I should've started my period by Wednesday the 28th, so they wanted me to go that morning to take a blood test for HCG level.  Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go that morning, but did go that afternoon.  That was an event going to the lab.  DH and DD went with me.  DD was acting up and kept playing with the water cooler and there was a little bit of a wait (which is not normal at this lab).  She spilled water on the table so DH took her outside.  Not long after they went outside, did they come back in because DH was stung by something and it hurt.  The spot was red and he was feeling his arm go numb a bit.  He was finally feeling better and I finally was able to go in to get my blood drawn.  The nurse from the RE's office called that afternoon / evening and said she wasn't able to get the results since I went in that afternoon. She said I would hear from them by Monday.

It was weird because DD was telling my niece and my mom that she was going to have a brother on July 28th.  Then on the 29th, she drew me a picture and said "Dear Mommy, thank you for having me a baby brother."  I was in shock and looked at my mom.  That's when she told me that DD told her and my niece the night before she was going to have a brother.

Possibilities

I am on CD25.  I test in 4 days!  I can't wait!  I am trying not to get too anxious / excited about it, but I feel like maybe God has been preparing my heart for this cycle to be it.  DH and I have been talking about IF and TTC pretty openly these days.  We have talked about a possible due date if we were to get a BFP this cycle.  We have also talked about the possibility of multiples since I am taking Clomid.  At first, I was hoping and praying that when we do get pregnant, it would be with one healthy child.  But now, I can say that I am open to what God has planned for us.  Although, if His plan is for us not to have any more children, I will fight that kicking and screaming.  But it is His will and I will ultimately be OK with that.  Anyway, I have had several eye opening experiences lately concerning multiples, specifically twins. Our neighbor recently had twin girls and I have seen her outside with them, holding them both in her arms.  It made me realize that it was possible to cuddle two babies at the same time.  While my mom was in the hospital (just last week), I met a guy on the elevator whose wife just had twins.  He was beaming from excitement!  It almost made me cry.  Then another day when we went to see the babies in the nursery (for the millionth time because that was DD's favorite thing to do), we met another person who had twin girls.  At the end of the week, I was like "OK God are you trying to tell me something?  Are you trying to prepare me for something? If you are, I am OK with the multiples (or at least twins) thing." 

I hope I don't come across as ungrateful.  I would be grateful for whatever God gives me / us.  I think I was just afraid I couldn't handle it.  I have a problem with asking people for help and don't want to get in over my head.  I have a problem with having other people have to help me raise my children because I want to do it myself and on my own (with my DH of course). And my mom and God and our church. 

DD has been asking about a sibling more often.  Specifically a baby.  My sister and her were telling me it was time to have a baby while we were at the hospital last week.  I wanted to scream "It's not that easy! I wish it was. I wish I could have another baby."  In the car one day, DD asked if we could have a baby.  I told her that mommy and daddy were trying and that it was up to Jesus.  She said "Jesus, can we have a baby?"  Then she said "He said we could. Thank you Jesus."  Maybe she knows something I don't.  The faith of a child!  I wish I had that faith all the time.

I know that I will be devasted if we get a BFN or AF comes, but I know that I will continue this journey to have another child until we can't go any further.  Maybe if this isn't my cycle the next one will be. 

Sock It To Me: Winter 2010

I joined Sock It To Me, an awesome sock exchange that Kymberli at I'm A Smart One started.  The SITM: Winter 2010 Exchange is my first one ever.  Here is what Kymberli has to say about this cool exchange:

It's The Great Sock-It-to-Me Exchange. The warmth you feel from your bloggy support is a warm and fuzzy pair of snuggly socks. Take the support with you for a trip to the stirrups. Wear them when you're chasing around your battle-won little person. Put them on when you have something to celebrate or when you need a hug. Wear them as a physical reminder of all the people inside your computer who you know care for and are thinking of you.

Here's one of the "rules":
The week of Sock It to Me Week. Post a picture of your socks (worn or not worn) with a link back to the blogger who sent them to you. The topic of the SITM posts will change each time.* For SITM Winter 2010, reflect on ways which the community supported you in 2009 (or if you're new to blogging, ways in which you needed support in 2009) and also look ahead to how you'll give and continue to receive support in 2010. SITM is a week for warm and fuzzies. Like ummm...the socks.

I had the pleasure of sending a pair of socks to Kymberli and from that I have really gotten to know her.  I really appreciate the support she has shown me since joining this exchange. 

I received a pack of 3 socks from Renee.  I am not including a link to her blog because she is not a blogger.  I actually sent Kymberli an email to ask her who sent me the socks because Renee kept it a secret when she sent the package. 


The ones in the second picture are the pair I wore to my u/s this week.  It was really helpful to wear them because every time (even throughout the rest of the day) I looked at them I felt supported.

I am not new to the blogging world.  I actually have 4 blogs.  This blog is new.  I am newly (as of July 2009) diagnosed with PCOS and LPD (in August 2009).  I really felt I needed a place to share that part of my life.  Not many people know of my diagnoses or that we are TTC.  I know to some that may sound silly, but the important people know about it (my DH, my mom, some of my family and friends - know about the diagnoses).  I am not comfortable sharing this information with everyone because there are some really unsupportive people in our lives (and would use the information against us / me in anyway they could).  I have not shared with anyone, outside of you all that read this blog (and of course my DH) that we are TTC.  I just am not ready to share that struggle with anyone except you all.  It's just too painful.  Since my diagnoses, I have felt very unsupported (which is why I needed to start a blog just for that part of my life).  My DH, mom and friends don't understand it.  They know of it, but don't know how to support me with it.  I have tried explaining things to them, but they just don't get it.  My DH is coming around and has told me he is scared.  He is afraid of this and what it has done to me and to the possibility of future children. 

I really just need a soft place to fall.  A place to be accepted and not judged.  A place to be able to put it all out there and still be loved.  I really need people to genuinely care about me and what is going on in my life.  I wish I had family and friends that would offer help and support with my DD or with the house or with just lending an ear or with just crying with me over everything or just getting mad as hell with me about things. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, not one bit. 

I am so glad for the women that I have met since starting this blog and joining some online PCOS support groups. I appreciate their support and continue to need it.  I will continue to provide support and try my hardest to make it a priority everyday to check it on my girls.  I hope that all of our efforts of TTC will be fulfilled this year.

Difficult Day

CD66 turned into CD1.  I didn't think I would ever be that happy for AF.  I was so worried I was going through menopause or something.  I had been feeling decent since AF and was really busy taking DD to all sorts of classes and playdates and things.  I think I had 1 down day - where we just stayed home and relaxed.  Then something weird happened.  CD9 turned into CD1!  I am not sure what was up with that.  That was just strange.  Here I go 66 days without AF and now only 9.  My body is definitely not working right.  This totally changes when I start Prometrium again.  I was originally supposed to start it today, but now have to wait until the 27th.  I was worried about taking Prometrium so close together.  I just stopped the 400mg of Prometrium on the 12th.  So that I am happy about.  Maybe my body does know what it's doing after all!

Tuesday was a trying day for me.  I met a friend and her DS for a playdate.  My cousin was also at this place.  She just had her second DD.  She had a DS about 5-7 years ago, but he died when he was only a few months old.  They went through lots of struggles with losing their child and were unsure if they would ever be able to get pregnant again.  They have a 4 year old DD and an almost 2 month old DD now. 

However, she was there with her playgroup.  This group ended up being a bunch of women who have 2 children are do not want anymore.  So much so that their DHs have been snipped or they were going to have their tubes tied.  It was very difficult to listen to their bitching about having 2 children and not wanting anymore.  It obviously made me sad and uncomfortable.  I have always told DH that neither one of us will ever have those procedures done because I never want the option to have children taken off the table for us.  Of course that was before being diagnosed with PCOS.  Now sometimes I feel like I might as well have had my tubes tied, since we have not had any luck with TTC.  But I didn't make that choice to not be able to have anymore children, like these women.  I am not mad at them.  They don't know my story and I wasn't willing to share it with them.  It just kind of felt like a slap in the face.  These woman have want I want - fertility.  It was just a difficult day - a constant reminder!

Something Must Be In The Water

I can not believe all the people I know that just had a baby or that are pregnant. It is ridiculous. Here is the list (sorry to bore you):
1. S had a boy in April
2. CB had a boy in April
3. LS had a girl in April
4. EE had a girl in June
5. N had a girl in July
6. K had a boy in July
7. AB had a boy in October
8. A had a boy in November
9. K had a girl in November
10. EB had a girl in November
11. TG & MG had a boy in November
12. CE had a girl in December
13. J had a baby in December
14. BG & NG had a girl in December
15. D is due any day now
16. W is due this month
17. A is due in April
18. TL is due in March
19. TD is due in March
20. K is due in March with twins
21. SB is due with a girl soon
22. KB is due in a few months
23. LP & MP adopted a girl in April
24. GG & B are due in January
25. LN & TN are due in April
26. JP & AP are due in February
27. SS is due in April with twins
28. R & N are due soon
29. B is due in a few months
30. T & F are due in August
31. JB & EB are due in August

That is a hell of a lot of people and I am sure that I am forgetting about a few or will learn of more pregnant people in the next day or so. It seems like everyday I am hearing that someone is pregnant.

While I am super excited for everyone, I can't help but feel very jealous. With my recent diagnoses, I just worry that it will never be me, that I will never be pregnant again. It really bothered me when I would hear news of someone being pregnant when DH wasn't ready to start trying. I feel like we have been given a time limit on having kids. I am really worried about using fertility drugs or fertility treatments. First off, the cost and secondly, the possibility of multiple births just stresses me out. I have really been keeping my stress, worry, frustration and sadness about all of this to myself.

But will we be OK family wise? I want more children more than anything. I think DD would be an amazing big sister. I feel like she would be losing out on so much if we can't give her that opportunity. She deserves to be a big sister. She deserves to have brothers and sisters that look just like her or have similar features and that love and adore her (as she will them). I want to have more than 1 pregnancy and more than 1 biological child. I would like to have at least 4 children (not all at the same time). I want to have 3 more pregnancies and all end up in live births with healthy babies being the outcome.

You might wonder why I am afraid of miscarriage. With the LPD diagnosis, the biggest risk is that if I do / can get pregnant, that I will miscarry. I do not have enough progesterone in my body to be able to maintain a pregnancy. I am glad this was found out now and not after a miscarriage. I really hope that we don't have to know the pain that comes with miscarriage. I know EE, CB, and B know that pain. It must be so difficult and I do not want to have to go through that.

DH and I talked, well I cried, one evening after leaving a friend's house. I love being around my friends, but it is really tough when they are almost all pregnant or recently given birth. That is when we decided to start TTC. It was August 29th.

We are not TTC because of all of our friends, but because he is finally ready. Before it was him holding us back. He stresses about finances too much. I think of finances too, but know that things will get better. God will provide. I am trying to find more kids to babysit. He will graduate in 2011 and get a better job (if not before). We will be OK. If we have to, we can / will sell the house. We could stop the 401K and defer my school loans. The credit cards will be paid off at the end of 2010. We will be OK financially. The other thing holding us back from TTC was issues with his family that affected our marriage.

I did have mixed emotions about getting pregnant because of the way things are with DH's family. I talked about this with E. DH and I have a strong marriage - that has been proven. We can't let them dictate or decide when we will continue or add on to our family. Problems with them could very well always exist (as long as they are around and in our lives).