Not the One

Last cycle was not the cycle for us.  I test on April 12th, 14th and 17th and received a BFN every time.  AF came and CD36 became CD1.  It is getting harder and harder for me to be around my group of friends.  Almost all of them have 2 children and actually 1 just told me that she is pregnant with her 3rd.  While I am so happy for her, I just can't help but be upset that it's not me.  I feel unwelcomed or like a don't fit in with them.  Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to be friends with them.  At first I tried to put it off on them, but have actually come to the awareness / realization that it is me.  I have not shared this struggle / battle with any of them.  They are aware that I have PCOS and LPD, but not that we are and have been TTC since the end of August / beginning of September 2009.  When asked if we will have more kids (which is not very often by them), I always tell them we aren't sure or not yet.  I just hate to feel vulnerable and be pitied or felt sorry for.  I just don't feel I can open that part up to them.  I have shared other struggles with them and didn't get the support I needed / wanted / hoped for from them, so I can't share this with them. 

I started my 2nd round of Clomid on April 23rd (which was CD5) and took it until the 27th (CD9).  I started Prometrium on May 2nd (CD14).  I have also been charting my temperatures since April 24th.  This has just added to the confusion.  My temp started around 97.05 then dropped to 96.5, then rose back up to the highest being 97.6.  I have not had any other signs of ovulation - mucus or cramps, so I am thinking I have not ovulated this cycle or at least not yet.  I am not really sure how to read the chart (for my temps), even though I have read up on it.  I am currently on CD20 and have given up hope for this cycle.

We attended a friends' baby shower.  It was actually for their 2nd child.  While I am so happy for them, I can't help be a little pissed.  This friend didn't even know if they wanted kids and now she gets blessed with 2!  I know it is harsh for me to say that or even feel that way.  She is a really good friend.  Probably close to the best or most supportive friend I have, but it is still hard to swallow.  I haven't even been able to bring myself to share this struggle of TTC with her, either.  It's almost like a Jekyl / Hyde thing. I am so happy for them, yet so jealous, angry, pissed, etc that it is not me.

My friends have scheduled a few playdates / get togethers that I have just skipped because I just can't be around them.  It is so difficult.  They don't understand what I am going through.  I know I haven't told them.  I haven't shared it with them and they are not mind readers, but still I just feel like I don't belong with them and can't be around them.  I have started withdrawing from a lot of public situations because it is so upsetting to see someone pregnant or with multiple children.  I have tried to be OK with it and put my trust in God, but somedays it seems that it is thrown in my face.  I have thought of talking to someone at our church about our secondary infertility and seeking counseling for it.  But I just don't know how to start the conversation.  The other night I just lied in bed next to DH crying.  He doesn't know what to say and doesn't understand fully.  He wants another child, but says if we can't have one of our own we will adopt.  I know that I would love any child that we adopted and have always wanted to adopt, but didn't think I would be "forced to it".  I guess I struggle with, why me?  What did I do to deserve to not be able to have any more biological children?  Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have DD.  She is such a joy.  She is what makes me go on.  She is the light of my life.  I enjoy her so much.

This struggle is obviously very personal and I have looked to the Bible for answers and have been praying to God for answers.  If His answer is no, I pray that He gives me the courage and strength to cope with that.  I do know that deep down His plan is what is best for me.  I do trust in that.

So I will humor myself and test in 9 days like my ob/gyn told me too.  The good news / light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I called the specialist and they were able to schedule us for May 24th.  I was happy and confident with this date because at that point we should know for sure whether this 2nd round of Clomid has worked.  I was hoping it wouldn't come to seeking the help of a specialist (not that I feel above it, just wanted it to come the easy way).  Of course, I was also hoping that it wouldn't come down to us having to start Clomid and we have for 2 rounds now.  I guess I just need to learn to deal with it better.

Possibilities

I am on CD25.  I test in 4 days!  I can't wait!  I am trying not to get too anxious / excited about it, but I feel like maybe God has been preparing my heart for this cycle to be it.  DH and I have been talking about IF and TTC pretty openly these days.  We have talked about a possible due date if we were to get a BFP this cycle.  We have also talked about the possibility of multiples since I am taking Clomid.  At first, I was hoping and praying that when we do get pregnant, it would be with one healthy child.  But now, I can say that I am open to what God has planned for us.  Although, if His plan is for us not to have any more children, I will fight that kicking and screaming.  But it is His will and I will ultimately be OK with that.  Anyway, I have had several eye opening experiences lately concerning multiples, specifically twins. Our neighbor recently had twin girls and I have seen her outside with them, holding them both in her arms.  It made me realize that it was possible to cuddle two babies at the same time.  While my mom was in the hospital (just last week), I met a guy on the elevator whose wife just had twins.  He was beaming from excitement!  It almost made me cry.  Then another day when we went to see the babies in the nursery (for the millionth time because that was DD's favorite thing to do), we met another person who had twin girls.  At the end of the week, I was like "OK God are you trying to tell me something?  Are you trying to prepare me for something? If you are, I am OK with the multiples (or at least twins) thing." 

I hope I don't come across as ungrateful.  I would be grateful for whatever God gives me / us.  I think I was just afraid I couldn't handle it.  I have a problem with asking people for help and don't want to get in over my head.  I have a problem with having other people have to help me raise my children because I want to do it myself and on my own (with my DH of course). And my mom and God and our church. 

DD has been asking about a sibling more often.  Specifically a baby.  My sister and her were telling me it was time to have a baby while we were at the hospital last week.  I wanted to scream "It's not that easy! I wish it was. I wish I could have another baby."  In the car one day, DD asked if we could have a baby.  I told her that mommy and daddy were trying and that it was up to Jesus.  She said "Jesus, can we have a baby?"  Then she said "He said we could. Thank you Jesus."  Maybe she knows something I don't.  The faith of a child!  I wish I had that faith all the time.

I know that I will be devasted if we get a BFN or AF comes, but I know that I will continue this journey to have another child until we can't go any further.  Maybe if this isn't my cycle the next one will be. 

Last Clomid for this Cycle

I took my 5th Clomid pill / last Clomid pill for this cycle yesterday.  I think my mood swings were pretty bad these 5 days.  I am not sure if I can blame the Clomid or if the stress from TTC is getting to me.  I am having such a hard time dealing with not being pregnant yet.  It was so easy the first time to get pregnant.  I just can't believe that we are experiencing this.  I can't believe that any of us are experiencing this.  We want to be mothers so badly.  I just have to keep reminding myself that God is in charge.  He will do what is right for us.  He has blessed me beyond I deserve.  He has given me a beautiful 3 year old daughter to love and I do love her so much.  Every time I look at her, I think to myself, she is enough.  If she is the only child God gives me, she is enough.  I thank Him everyday for blessing me with her and thank Him for how amazing she is.

I keep thinking that this has to be the cycle.  DH and I were texting about it last week.  I texted him that if this was the cycle for us, our due date would be around December 19th.  I thought he would think I was crazy thinking this far ahead, but he actually said it was something he had been thinking about too.  We talked about the possibility of having a Christmas baby.  It was so nice to talk about it.  He is not much of a talker and I tend to keep this kind of stuff in.  I have a huge problem talking about being infertile and not being pregnant yet.  That is why I started this blog.  I have to get this stuff out and it is easier for me to type it than to say the words. Thank you all for listening / reading and supporting me.

First Cycle of Clomid

On CD29, I took a pregnancy test and received a BFN.  I took another Prometrium that night before bed, since this was the game plan discussed with my ob/gyn.  The next day CD30 turned into CD1.  I was excited that AF came so soon, but sad because I was really hoping that I had just tested too early.  DH was sad too when I told him the test results.  I think we both were hoping I had just tested too soon.  We were hoping to get pregnant before having to start the Clomid. 

Friday was CD5 and my first day taking Clomid.  I was scared because I didn't know how it would effect me.  The ob/gyn warned that it brings hot flashes, mood swings and feels like you are going through menopause.  I try to take it later in the day.  I think the effects have been minimal.  I do think it does make my moods go from 0-10 in a matter of seconds.  One minute I am fine and the next I am angry.  Having PCOS, I have had mood swings, but those had gotten better since February.  I have only experienced a few hot flashes since taking the Clomid.  I also had these hot flashes before taking Clomid.  So of course, I am worried that maybe the Clomid isn't working or won't work.  Before starting the Clomid, I was telling myself that I just need to embrace whatever side effects (mood swings, hot flashes) that it brings because that is how I know it will be working.  But since it is nothing like I thought it would be, I am worried that it's not working on me.  I guess we will see.  It is a waiting game, isn't it?

Sock It To Me: Winter 2010

I joined Sock It To Me, an awesome sock exchange that Kymberli at I'm A Smart One started.  The SITM: Winter 2010 Exchange is my first one ever.  Here is what Kymberli has to say about this cool exchange:

It's The Great Sock-It-to-Me Exchange. The warmth you feel from your bloggy support is a warm and fuzzy pair of snuggly socks. Take the support with you for a trip to the stirrups. Wear them when you're chasing around your battle-won little person. Put them on when you have something to celebrate or when you need a hug. Wear them as a physical reminder of all the people inside your computer who you know care for and are thinking of you.

Here's one of the "rules":
The week of Sock It to Me Week. Post a picture of your socks (worn or not worn) with a link back to the blogger who sent them to you. The topic of the SITM posts will change each time.* For SITM Winter 2010, reflect on ways which the community supported you in 2009 (or if you're new to blogging, ways in which you needed support in 2009) and also look ahead to how you'll give and continue to receive support in 2010. SITM is a week for warm and fuzzies. Like ummm...the socks.

I had the pleasure of sending a pair of socks to Kymberli and from that I have really gotten to know her.  I really appreciate the support she has shown me since joining this exchange. 

I received a pack of 3 socks from Renee.  I am not including a link to her blog because she is not a blogger.  I actually sent Kymberli an email to ask her who sent me the socks because Renee kept it a secret when she sent the package. 


The ones in the second picture are the pair I wore to my u/s this week.  It was really helpful to wear them because every time (even throughout the rest of the day) I looked at them I felt supported.

I am not new to the blogging world.  I actually have 4 blogs.  This blog is new.  I am newly (as of July 2009) diagnosed with PCOS and LPD (in August 2009).  I really felt I needed a place to share that part of my life.  Not many people know of my diagnoses or that we are TTC.  I know to some that may sound silly, but the important people know about it (my DH, my mom, some of my family and friends - know about the diagnoses).  I am not comfortable sharing this information with everyone because there are some really unsupportive people in our lives (and would use the information against us / me in anyway they could).  I have not shared with anyone, outside of you all that read this blog (and of course my DH) that we are TTC.  I just am not ready to share that struggle with anyone except you all.  It's just too painful.  Since my diagnoses, I have felt very unsupported (which is why I needed to start a blog just for that part of my life).  My DH, mom and friends don't understand it.  They know of it, but don't know how to support me with it.  I have tried explaining things to them, but they just don't get it.  My DH is coming around and has told me he is scared.  He is afraid of this and what it has done to me and to the possibility of future children. 

I really just need a soft place to fall.  A place to be accepted and not judged.  A place to be able to put it all out there and still be loved.  I really need people to genuinely care about me and what is going on in my life.  I wish I had family and friends that would offer help and support with my DD or with the house or with just lending an ear or with just crying with me over everything or just getting mad as hell with me about things. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, not one bit. 

I am so glad for the women that I have met since starting this blog and joining some online PCOS support groups. I appreciate their support and continue to need it.  I will continue to provide support and try my hardest to make it a priority everyday to check it on my girls.  I hope that all of our efforts of TTC will be fulfilled this year.

U/S

I started Prometrium on Saturday the 27th (since it was CD14).  I am hoping this cycle will be it.  Another thing I forgot to mention about my appointment with the ob/gyn was we discussed whether I was ovulating.  I was thinking that I probably wasn't.  She said the pains I am having could be ovulation.  I also told her that I have had the cervical mucus (even cycles when I haven't had AF for over 40 days), she said I could very well have ovulated then too.  Apparently you don't have to have AF to ovulate. 

Thursday I had the u/s.  I told the tech that I was still having the pains on my right side, but also my left side has been hurting (even more than the right) and the center of my abdomen has been sensitive / soar.  She did 2 types of u/s.  She showed me my ovaries, cysts, follicles, etc.  She said that it's not common for women with PCOS to have pains (but I am not sure how much she really knows about PCOS because from what I have read, it is very possible).
The ob/gyn's office called with the results later that day.  The u/s confirmed / was consistent with PCOS.  There is no blockage or scar tissue.  My ovaries are functioning, but with PCOS.  Normal treatment for PCOS is to suppress the ovaries, but since we are TTC, we don't want to do that.  She said the pain is just from the PCOS.  She said the u/s showed tons of cysts (almost like an overactivity), but that is PCOS.  The pain is from the PCOS and there isn't much they / I can do about it.  She said to take Tylenol, keep hydrated and to make sure I am not constipated.  She said that Metformin is a good drug to make the ovaries function.  She wants me to keep them posted.  I asked if she could tell from the u/s if I ovulated this month this I was on CD19 and she said that she couldn't tell. U/s isn't a good tool for that. 
So, at least I have no blockages or scar tissue, but I have major pain a lot.  Thankfully the pain doesn't last a long time, but it does happen frequently.

New Game Plan

Last week I attended an appointment with my ob/gyn.  The nurse talked to me about the fact that I have several factors against me in regards to conceiving again - PCOS, hypothyroid, LPD, but that the most promising factor was that my body did it once.  I have a beautiful 3 year old little girl.  The ob/gyn reviewed how things have been going with me.  I told her about my pains, especially on my right side.  She ordered an u/s to rule out blockage and scar tissue.  We talked about TTC and what our next move should be.  Thankfully she understood that we mean business and want to get things rolling with having a baby.  We don't want to play games or twiddle our thumbs.  She laid out all the options - try Clomid (she only does 3 rounds then sends you to a fertility specialist), seek a fertility specialist, keep trying with Metformin and Prometrium.  I asked her opinion because I truly respect it.  She said she thinks we should go ahead and start Clomid, get an appointment with a fertility specialist schedule for the next few months, and of course get the u/s.  She said the Clomid will be hard on me.  It will make me feel like I am going through menopause.  I told her that I already feel that way, as I have major mood swings and was having hot flashes.  I actually asked her if she was just teasing me and I was truly going through menopause.  She reassured me that I wasn't.  She said Clomid will bring on all these symptoms, plus there is an increase in multiples.  She said that she personally has never had anyone have multiples from it, but it is a risk.  We are worried about that risk because twins run on both sides of our family.  DH also asked if something could be wrong with his swimmers and so he is going to be tested.  I thought that was such a great thing for him to ask and kind of took the "heat" off of me.  I just thought that was very supportive.  The nurse was great at reassuring us and DH about the sperm analysis.  She told us her DH had to do that, too.  I really appreciate my ob/gyn and the nurse sharing their experiences with us because it helps me to know I am not alone / we are not alone in the struggle.  If I hadn't said this before, my ob/gyn also has PCOS.  So our game plan is to take Clomid CD6-9, then Prometrium CD14-28, on CD 29 I will take a pregnancy test if AF hasn't visited, if BFN then I will continue the Prometrium until AF visits (or I get a BFP).  We will do that for a few cycles, then if no BFP, we will meet with the specialist.  Oh yeah, and DH will get his swimmers checked and I will get an u/s.