Sperm Smuggler

I had my first IUI for this cycle on July 10th.  As I was carrying the specimen into the ARS / RE's office, I felt as though I was smuggling something.  That morning when DH saw me take the cup with his specimen and put it in my pants (to keep it next to my body), he laughed.  I guess I'm a Sperm Smuggler!  Anyway, I waited about 45 minutes in the waiting room for the sperm to be washed and cleaned.  Kathy was my nurse for this IUI round.  She said they got a good sample.  She said something like 5 or 50 million sperm or something like that.  I can't remember because of the pain that came soon after.  It hurt!  It hurt bad.  I was already really sore and in pain with my ovaries and then to have this catheter being put up me was no fun.  She said that part of the pain was the catheter hitting the wall because it had to curve to get to the uterus and the other part of the pain had to do with overstimulation and having a lot going on in my body.  It hurt much worse than the IUI from my last cycle.  It took everything in me not to jump off the table, but I just reminded myself why I was there and what the end goal would be (hopefully).  I definitely had a dialogue with God while on the table during the IUI and afterwards while I lay still hoping and praying and begging God that this works this time.  I came home and took a nap. 

Monday the 12th, I went in for the second IUI this cycle.  Once again I smuggled sperm into the ARS / RE's office.  It took about 40 minutes for them to wash and clean the sperm this round. I had a different nurse.  She said it was another good sample.  I actually had no pain with this procedure and it seemed over and done with so quick.  As I was laying on the table I did feel some pain, cramping and / or twitching.  As I lay on the table afterwards, I had a talk with God.  This talk was different.  Of course I was praying that this was our cycle.  That this was it, but something definitely felt different.  Later in the day, I was more crampy / twitchy than I was with the other IUI this cycle and last cycle.    

Tuesday the 13th I started taking Prometrium 100mg 3 times / day.  By the end of the day, it typically knocks me out.  Also something that is a little TMI, we also BD near my ovulation time too.  Hoping that one of those little guys would make their way up there and find their way in one way or another.

Friday, I forgot to get my b/w for my progesterone level done.  The lab was closed on Saturday.  I couldn't believe I forgot.  I remembered that I needed to go Thursday night and by Friday it completely slipped my mind.  Since about Wednesday, I have been having a pain in my boob area.  I have been having horrible back pain and been extremely fatigued. Thursday night DH made some popcorn and the smell of the oil made me sick, nauseous sick. Friday, I had pain in my lower abdomen.  Friday evening, I had pain in my upper stomach and was nauseous by the smell of peanut butter.  My stomach was kind of hard (but not from constipation). I have had diarrhea or gastro issues like gas (sorry TMI).  I have been extremely forgetful too. As I said I forget to get my b/w done, I have been mixing up dates for things in my calendar, can't remember one thing from the next and even put my pants on backwards (thankfully they were my pj bottoms).

I called the ARS / RE's office about forgetting to get my b/w done and Kim (the nurse) told me that it is  timed with the Ovidrel, so it would be too late to get it done.  She said not to worry about it because I am already taking Prometrium.

Monday night I was very emotional, crying over everything.  What first got me started was my stomach.  It was so nauseous.  Then I started crying because I couldn't figure out when DD's first day of school was.  Then DH told me my pj bottoms were on backwards and I started crying all over again.  Last night I couldn't sleep and was crying over DD going to school and anything else I could think of.  I have also been a little bit snippy, blunt or to the point more quickly with people.  I have also noticed more CM, frequent urination, extreme nauseous, insomnia, fatigue and hair loss.  I don't know what these symptoms are all from.  It could be from the Metformin, the Prometrium or because I have PCOS. Or it could and I am hoping it is because I am pregnant.  I have been wanting to shout it out that I am pregnant.  I don't know if it's because my body knows I am (already) or if it's because I am crazy and just being too optimistic / hopeful.  I did feel like that when I was pregnant with DD, so here's hoping.  I have also been counting my possible due date which would be early to mid April. DH counted it out too and we compared the due dates we came up with.  DH and I have been talking about names and the possibility of twins and when we would tell family.  The other day DD told me I was going to have a baby soon.  She has always talked about wanting a brother or a sister, mainly a sister, but to tell me I was going to have a baby soon kind of freaked me out.  She seems so sure.  We do not tell her about what is going on with our struggle TTC.  When she asks about having a sibling, we tell her to pray to Jesus about it.

Because of all the symptoms I'm having and because I am kind of driving myself crazy this cycle, I am going to test on Friday and then again the following Friday unless AF has reared her ugly head.

So once again, I am asking for prayers that this will be our cycle.  This IUI business is not cheap even with insurance paying for some of it.  So far I think we owe / have paid about $1000 for the 2 cycles we have done with the ARS / RE.  I realize that for some couples that is nothing compared to their struggle with TTC, but to us that is pretty expensive.  We live on 1 pretty minor income.

Out with the Old, In with the New

I tested on June 24th and got a BFN.  I called the ARS / RE's office and talked with the nurse.  She said they wanted me to go in for a pregnancy blood test to make sure. So I went in the next day.  She called me later that day with the results.  They were negative.  My progesterone level was good and she said the next time around they are going to start Prometrium 4 days after I ovulate.  She said to call when AF appears in full cycle to schedule appointments for the next cycle.  AF visited for a short visit that night, then went away until Sunday.  I called the office on Monday thinking they were going to have me come in that day, but they said that since AF wasn't a full flow until Sunday they would consider Sunday as CD1, so my appointment (u/s) was scheduled for Tuesday morning.  Tuesday, June 29th, I went in for my CD3 u/s.  I was a little taken aback by the u/s tech's first words to me.  She came in and said "aren't you supposed to be pregnant by now?"  I knew she was just joking and didn't mean anything harmful by it, but it made me a little uncomfortable and stung a bit.  Then she looked at the chart and saw it was only my 2nd month (2nd cycle) with them.  She said that I had some good things going last cycle - good lining, made a follicle big enough and I ovulated.  She started the u/s.  She said that I shed my lining, had no residual fluid and lots of eggs / follicles.  I met with the nurse and she gave me a calendar with the details of the plan for this cycle.  My plan for this cycle: Clomid for 5 days starting on June 29th.  Follistim injection on July 5th.  OPK on the 7th and 8th.  U/s on the 9th.  Ovidrel injection timed with ovulation.  IUI (2 rounds) timed with ovulation.  Start Prometrium 4 days after ovulation / Ovidrel injection.  Progesterone b/w one week after Ovidrel injection. The plan this time is similar in that I had the CD3 u/s, took Clomid for 5 days starting on CD3 and have a Progesterone b/w 1 week after ovulation.  It differs from last time because this time I will get Follistim injection instead of Gonal F and I receive it on CD9 where as I had the Gonal F injection on CD13.  I will also start Prometrium 4 days after ovulation. 

I started Clomid for 5 days that evening.  Instead of Gonal F, I had to purchase Follistim.  I received that injection on the 5th (CD9) in the back of my upper right arm.  Man, that injection stung and burned going in and even afterwards for a bit.  I was glad I went in to have the nurse give me the injection instead of trying to do it myself.  I don't know if I could've done it myself.  I took an OPK on Wednesday and Thursday with negative results for surge.  This morning when I went in for my u/s, I was having terrible pain and pulling below my stomach.  I told the u/s tech and she said something must be happening. I was actually fearful that I had ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (ohs).  Well thankfully that's not what the pain was.  My lining was 7.6, I had no residual fluid and 4 follicles that she measured in my Left ovary.  They measured 25.5, 19, 16 and 10.5.  In my right ovary, I had 2 follicles that she measured.  They measured 15 and 10.5.  I was very excited about this news.  I can't believe all the follicles that are at a good size.  The tech said they measure any follicle over 10, but that they didn't expect the 10.5 ones to do anything.  She said the follicle that measures 16 (in my left ovary) and the one that measures 15 (in my right ovary) could still get bigger, so we couldn't discount them.  The tech said that is the reason I am having so much pain.  She said that I should just take it easy.  After the u/s, I saw the nurse.  She said that they had to go over my risk for multiples and make sure I wanted to proceed since I have 3 good size follicles in my left ovary.  She also made it clear that just because I have 3 good size follicles, nothing could still happen.  I told her I understood and wanted to go ahead with the plan.  She gave me the Ovidrel injection.  I must just be a wimp because that burned going in, too.  I have an IUI scheduled for tomorrow and Monday.  I start the Prometrium on Tuesday and go for a Progesterone b/w on Friday. 

That's Your Baby Maker and Ovidrel Injection

I used the OPK on Sunday and Monday and had no surge, so I called the ARS' office to schedule an u/s.  I was a little (OK, quite) disheartened that I hadn't received a surge.  I went to the u/s yesterday, which was CD16, and got great news!  While the tech was doing the vaginal u/s, she first checked my lining.  She said that it was looking good and was at a 10.  She said they like it to be 8 and above.  She then checked my uterus and checked for any fluid (which could have been left over indicating we missed my ovulation). Thankfully there was no fluid.  She viewed my right ovary and found a lot of small follicles.  Then viewed my left ovary and found the Baby Maker (as she referred to it).  She measured the biggest follicle and it was at 21 1/2!  Anything 18 and above is good.  I was so happy and excited when she told me how big it was.  She said that one is going to be your Baby Maker.  You can get dressed and go up to the front.  As I got off the u/s table and started to get dressed, I got so anxious, excited, happy, emotional, nervous, scared, etc that I started to cry.  I got a hold of myself, but was shaking a little.  I was so scared going into that appointment that things weren't going to progress.  I was feeling something going on inside, but didn't know what.  I guess I was feeling my body getting ready to ovulate!  I saw the nurse and she said that basically now they give me the Ovidrel injection, DH and I should get together that night or the next morning, come in on Wednesday for a post coital test, post ovulation u/s on Friday and progesterone b/w next Tuesday.  She gave me the Ovidrel injection in my right upper arm.  It stung a bit.  Needles are just unpleasant going into the body (at least for me).  I scheduled my appointments and left. 

Later, I was thinking that no matter what happens I thank God for getting me this far.  Knowing that my body (with the help of medication) has gotten to this point is somewhat of a relief to me.  Don't get me wrong, my ultimate joy will be when I hear those beautiful words: "you're pregnant!" and then of course when we hear our beautiful baby make his/her first cries / sounds! 

I am pretty nervous about the post coital test this afternoon.  I hope that everything is good and doing what they are supposed to be doing.  As stupid as this may sound, I just want to know when the ARS / nurse / u/s tech can tell us if we are pregnant.  I am not sure how much longer we have to wait to find out.  Then I think about twins / multiples.  Twins run in both of our families.  In my family both of my parents have twins in their family.  Then the Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel run the "risk" of multiples.  So does all of that multiply our chances of having multiples?!?  First I think, well I only have one follicle that is big enough to produce a mature egg, but then I am reminded that the egg can split to form twins, too. 

If you can't tell, I am a very impatient person.  I try to be more patient.  I try to be patient and listen to what God is trying to tell me or teach me during the waiting, but it's hard for me.  I feel like I have been patient long enough.  Yes, I understand that to some people TTC for 8 or 9 months is not very long.  I know that many have been trying for years and years.  I can't imagine that.  I don't know what I would do or will do if that is how long our journey is.  I know that things are in God's hands.  I have to put my trust in Him and know that His plan is what is best for me.

If you have a chance to say a little prayer for me and that the tests in the upcoming days all come up good and we get a positive result soon, I would really appreciate it. 

CD13 Ultrasound and Gonal F Injection

The (mail order) pharmacy that the ARS's office uses is great.  They have called me several times - 1st to confirm the script, date I needed it and get insurance and payment info, 2nd to see if I received the med and 3rd to make sure the order was correct.  And best of all the Ovidrel injection came the day it was supposed to and it was correct.

The OPKs were negative for a surge on the 3rd and 4th (CD11 and CD12).  I went in for my appointment on the 5th.  The u/s showed 2 follicles on my left ovary and 1 on my right ovary.  There was only 1 on my left that measured enough to be able to use.  The tech said it was at a 14 and they like to see it at 18.  She said it would probably get there in a couple of days.  Then I had an appointment with the nurse.  She said for me to continue doing the OPKs the next few days.  If I get a surge I am to inject myself with the Ovidrel.  If I do not show a surge by the 7th, I need to call them to schedule an u/s for the 8th (so they can see what happened).  She gave me an injection of Gonal F, which she said would give me a boost.  She also showed me how to give myself the Ovidrel injection when she was doing the Gonal F injection.  It burned when she was injecting me and even after it was injected.  She said that was normal and hopefully it wasn't / wouldn't be too uncomfortable.  She said if she was a betting woman, she would bet that I would have a surge by Monday.  Here's hoping so!

The OPK for later that day was negative for a surge.  The Gonal F injection site stopped burning, but is a little sore at times. 

I do worry about the medications (Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel) and the effect(s) they will have on my body in the long run.  I guess and hope that they are safe and don't / won't cause any kind of problems or disease.  I haven't done much, if any, research on the meds because I don't want to know.  I want another child.  I don't want DD to be an only child.  DD wants a sibling.  So at this point, I want to be ignorant of the side effects, short term and long term.  I trust the ARS and God and that's all I can do at this point.  I don't need any more stress. 

CD3 ARS Appointment

Wednesday the 26th I went to the ARS for an u/s, exam and b/w.  The ultrasound tech did a regular u/s and a vaginal u/s.  She showed me the follicles in my ovaries.  She said that on the screen they looked like a chocolate chip cookie. The ovaries being the cookie and the follicles being the chocolate chips.  Once she said that, it really did!.  After the u/s, I went to an exam room where the nurse had me get undressed and I  waited for her and the ARS to come in.  The ARS said he had good news: my uterus looked good and I have a lot of eggs (which could be because of the PCOS but it is probably more a sign of my fertility). Basically he said we just need to try to control my ovulation or see if we can control it. He did tell me that I have a fibroid.  He said it was very tiny and that they don't typically do anything for ones that tiny.  They will watch it to make sure it doesn't grow / get very big.  Since my period was different this month (much lighter and at that point almost non-existent), he ordered an HCG to make sure that I was not pregnant. he said if I was it would probably not take and we would have to wait for the numbers to drop.  He did an exam, taking samples in case we have to do IVF (and there might have been other reasons that I don't remember).  The nurse gave me a calendar for May and June that showed our plan outlined. Basically I took Clomid CD3-CD7 (5 nights). Then I started using an OPK on the 3rd (which was CD11) and was scheduled to come back to the office for another u/s on the 5th (CD13).  If the OPK showed a surge before my u/s, I was to call the office.  The nurse faxed a prescription for Ovidrel (an injection that I received through the mail).  I was told to bring the Ovidrel with me to my u/s on the 5th, if I had not had a surge before then.  Basically, when I have a surge, I take the Ovidrel.  The nurse said she didn't expect me to have a surge before the 5th, but I needed to test just in case.  She said to plan on coming back into the office for a postcoital test the 7th-9th.  Basically after I get the surge, I do the shot of Ovidrel, then we do the BD and come in to have my CM and the sperm checked. 

The Clomid (still the same dose) this time, seemed to make me very angry and on edge.  I barked and snapped at DH and DD several times.  Actually I don't know if it's the Clomid or the stress from being infertile and not being pregnant yet.  It's easier to blame the Clomid though.

First Visit to the ARS

Sunday I took another test.  Why do I put myself through such trama?  Of course I got a BFN!  Later that evening, I was preparing for my appointment on Monday with the specialist and entering my BBT in my chart at Fertility Friend.  I got another glimmer of hope.  From my chart, it stated that I was only 11 DPO and it was still too early for me to test.  I had several signs that indicated pregnancy.  I gained some hope back, but then lost the hope on Monday morning.  I didn't even have to get out of bed, I knew the feelings - the cramps, the headache, the wetness.  AF roared her ugly head!  So, CD36 turned into CD1, just like last cycle.  At least that has become consistent.  DH, DD and I attended the appointment with the Advanced Reproductive Specialist (ARS).  I was a little worried about taking DD to the appointment because I didn't want to upset other women who might be at the appointment.  I didn't want to seem like I was rubbing her in anyone's face.  I was quickly reassured about her being there by the office staff.  They were all talking about her - how smart, creative, talkative, etc she is.  It really helped to put me at ease.  We first met with a nurse (Janna) in one of the rooms.  She took my BP which was good.  She weighed me (which I had lost a few pounds - yeah).  She went over my paperwork, making sure she understood our situation.  She went over my medication and talked to DH about his health and medication.  She told me that I should stop taking the Valerian Root and Melatonin because herbal supplements can contain hormones and this could affect my fertility.  She gave me a hand-out to read while we were waiting for the ARS.  We didn't wait long before we were told to go into his office.  He first started out asking us what questions we may have.  I talked to him about taking Calcium with Vitamin D supplements.  He said that he would recommend me to not take those, since I take a prenatal vitamin.  He said too much could cause problems with fertility, birth defects, and be toxic to my body.  He said that he felt I was not ovulating or at least not ovulating regularly.  He talked to us about what he recommended in our situation.  He said that since we live close by, it would be best for me to come by on CD3 to have an u/s to check my uterus and tubes.  At that appointment I would also be given a physical exam and have b/w drawn.  At the end of that appointment he said I would get a calendar with written instructions on what was going to happen next.  He said he did not want me to start taking Prometrium on CD14 like I have been because this could be hindering my ovulation.  He said that if my body was about to ovulate, it could stop it and push it back further.  He doesn't want me taking it until I have ovulated.  He also said that we will use Clomid to help with ovulating and that he would not increase the dose.  He likes to keep the dose as low as possible, but would add other drugs if need be to help me ovulate.  He gave us hope that we would be pregnant in 3-4 cycles.  Obviously, he can not promise that and did share the statistics (which aren't that great), but said that since we were able to conceive before and have a healthy child it's like "money in the bank".  He said another thing they will check is my CM.  This is done by a postcoital test.  This test will also help them figure out if DH should go ahead with the sperm analysis.  He was so nice to DD and was talking to the nurses / office staff about her.  They all reassured us that DD was welcome at the appointments and he even said that DD would become great friends with the girls (meaning his nurses and office staff). 

I am excited about this plan.  I think that he is covering all the basis and is willing to change this as we go, according to how my body is responding.  DH and I are very comfortable with the plan and agree with it.  It is also scary, but I am trying not to let myself think about the what ifs or anything negative. 

DH kind of mentioned to my mom that we are seeing a fertility specialist.  We talked about it before he mentioned it to her.  He asked why I haven't told her.  I told him that I just didn't like talking about it.  It's nothing against my mom.  I tell her lots of things, but I just have such a hard time talking about this struggle.  Hence the reason I need this blog.  I know that I need to talk about this struggle.  I can't keep it all in, but it is so hard for me to do that.  I don't know if it is admitting it, or if I am afraid of the reaction, or showing too much emotion, or being too vulnerable.  I'm not sure.  Maybe it is a combination of all of that.  I don't want people feeling sorry for me or pitying me.  I would, however, love to have someone (or many) walk alongside me (us) as we struggle with this.  I know in order for that to happen I need to open up about this, but it's hard.  I pray about it and have opened up a bit.  I sent a prayer request to our church prayer team and asked to be prayed for at the Global Day of Prayer.   

Leap of Faith

Today is CD35 and I will probably do another test.  Yes, that means I tested on the 17th (CD29 as the ob/gyn requested) and I got a BFN and have not had a visit from AF.  Last cycle, AF didn't come until CD36, though.  However, CD36 is the day we have our fertility appointment.  After I received the BFN on May 17th, I told myself I was done with taking tests for a while.  I was tired of seeing BFNs with every test.  It was such a slap in the face, such a heart break, such a let down.  I felt like my heart couldn't see another BFN.  I couldn't put myself through that again.  It's always such a loss.  A loss for something that never existed.  I have to go through the grieving process with every BFN - denial (somethings wrong with the test, it can't be negative), anger (why God? why me?), bargaining (please God, please), depression (crying in my bed for that morning or sometimes most of the day) and finally acceptance (as much as 1 can accept not being pregnant yet again).  Somedays I feel like my infertility gets the best of me, like it is going to be the death of me.  Other days I feel like I have really given the burden to Jesus and laid it at His feet.  Those are the days that I can be with friends who have 2+ kids and / or are pregnant (again).  Those are days that I can look at babies and just realize what a blessing they are.  Don't get me wrong, I always feel that babies /children are a blessing from God, but when I am having a day when my infertility is going to be the end of me, I become very angry, jealous, hurt, vulnerable, etc.  I don't want to see a pregnant woman, a mom with children (especially more than 1) or any babies for that matter.  Those are glimpses of what I can't have and it's hard to swallow. 

Why put myself through another test later on today?  Well because DH thinks I am pregnant, just like he has several times before (but of course I haven't been).  But also because I have not been obsessed with taking tests.  Typically, I take a test every other day until AF starts (starting on CD29).  Yeah, I go through a lot of tests each month.  I get them from the $1 Store and they are supposed to be good ones.  I have not wanted to do that (test every other day).  I have actually been pretty calm and not anxious about it.  I have had a headache on and off for about a week.  The last 3 days, I have not been able to get rid of the headache.  I have also been feeling very nauseous and having lots of food aversions.  I remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with DD.  Maybe it's hopeful thinking, but I think it's worth a shot.  I would hate to go to the fertility appointment on Monday and find out I am pregnant.  I don't even know if our insurance covers this appointment and haven't called to find out because well I don't want to know.  Because if it doesn't, I don't care.  We will go into debt, we will do whatever it takes to have more children, or at least I will (and I am pretty sure DH is on board with that). 

Another thing that has helped me started feeling more positive is my faith in God.  I remember when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother.  A mother with a lot of children.  Playing with my dolls was my favorite thing to do.  I really feel that early on God promised that I would be a mother to many children. I hope that means many children of our own and not in some in-direct way.  I have always felt that I was born to be a mother (not that I am perfect, by any means).  This is not to negate the fact that I am a mother to a beautliful little girl.  I love her more than life.  I love her more than anything and I am so blessed to have her.  Thank You God for allowing me to be her mother.  I don't know what I did to deserve her, but thank You!  I also feel that she was made to be a big sister.  She would make the most amazing sister to lots of brothers and sisters.  I feel that God has made her that way for a purpose. 

I took a big step.  Just the other night I sent a prayer request into my church prayer team asking for prayers in regards to our struggle with infertility.  This was a huge step for me because I have not known how to ask for this.  God gave me the strength to just do it and reach out.  To ask for prayer.  When I checked my email last night I received an email from one of the pastors at our church saying that he would be praying for us and support us in anyway he could.  Tears came to my eyes when I read the email.  I thanked God for this email and for this support.  It was as if a little of the burden (or maybe shame) had been lifted.  In fact I am crying now because it is so emotional and so private.  As much as I hate this burden, I am so happy to have another person supporting us and praying for us during this very difficult time.  The only people I have shared this burden / struggle / shame with (besides DH and praying to God) is you all and now to our church prayer team. I guess I took a leap of faith.

Possibilities

I am on CD25.  I test in 4 days!  I can't wait!  I am trying not to get too anxious / excited about it, but I feel like maybe God has been preparing my heart for this cycle to be it.  DH and I have been talking about IF and TTC pretty openly these days.  We have talked about a possible due date if we were to get a BFP this cycle.  We have also talked about the possibility of multiples since I am taking Clomid.  At first, I was hoping and praying that when we do get pregnant, it would be with one healthy child.  But now, I can say that I am open to what God has planned for us.  Although, if His plan is for us not to have any more children, I will fight that kicking and screaming.  But it is His will and I will ultimately be OK with that.  Anyway, I have had several eye opening experiences lately concerning multiples, specifically twins. Our neighbor recently had twin girls and I have seen her outside with them, holding them both in her arms.  It made me realize that it was possible to cuddle two babies at the same time.  While my mom was in the hospital (just last week), I met a guy on the elevator whose wife just had twins.  He was beaming from excitement!  It almost made me cry.  Then another day when we went to see the babies in the nursery (for the millionth time because that was DD's favorite thing to do), we met another person who had twin girls.  At the end of the week, I was like "OK God are you trying to tell me something?  Are you trying to prepare me for something? If you are, I am OK with the multiples (or at least twins) thing." 

I hope I don't come across as ungrateful.  I would be grateful for whatever God gives me / us.  I think I was just afraid I couldn't handle it.  I have a problem with asking people for help and don't want to get in over my head.  I have a problem with having other people have to help me raise my children because I want to do it myself and on my own (with my DH of course). And my mom and God and our church. 

DD has been asking about a sibling more often.  Specifically a baby.  My sister and her were telling me it was time to have a baby while we were at the hospital last week.  I wanted to scream "It's not that easy! I wish it was. I wish I could have another baby."  In the car one day, DD asked if we could have a baby.  I told her that mommy and daddy were trying and that it was up to Jesus.  She said "Jesus, can we have a baby?"  Then she said "He said we could. Thank you Jesus."  Maybe she knows something I don't.  The faith of a child!  I wish I had that faith all the time.

I know that I will be devasted if we get a BFN or AF comes, but I know that I will continue this journey to have another child until we can't go any further.  Maybe if this isn't my cycle the next one will be. 

Last Clomid for this Cycle

I took my 5th Clomid pill / last Clomid pill for this cycle yesterday.  I think my mood swings were pretty bad these 5 days.  I am not sure if I can blame the Clomid or if the stress from TTC is getting to me.  I am having such a hard time dealing with not being pregnant yet.  It was so easy the first time to get pregnant.  I just can't believe that we are experiencing this.  I can't believe that any of us are experiencing this.  We want to be mothers so badly.  I just have to keep reminding myself that God is in charge.  He will do what is right for us.  He has blessed me beyond I deserve.  He has given me a beautiful 3 year old daughter to love and I do love her so much.  Every time I look at her, I think to myself, she is enough.  If she is the only child God gives me, she is enough.  I thank Him everyday for blessing me with her and thank Him for how amazing she is.

I keep thinking that this has to be the cycle.  DH and I were texting about it last week.  I texted him that if this was the cycle for us, our due date would be around December 19th.  I thought he would think I was crazy thinking this far ahead, but he actually said it was something he had been thinking about too.  We talked about the possibility of having a Christmas baby.  It was so nice to talk about it.  He is not much of a talker and I tend to keep this kind of stuff in.  I have a huge problem talking about being infertile and not being pregnant yet.  That is why I started this blog.  I have to get this stuff out and it is easier for me to type it than to say the words. Thank you all for listening / reading and supporting me.

First Cycle of Clomid

On CD29, I took a pregnancy test and received a BFN.  I took another Prometrium that night before bed, since this was the game plan discussed with my ob/gyn.  The next day CD30 turned into CD1.  I was excited that AF came so soon, but sad because I was really hoping that I had just tested too early.  DH was sad too when I told him the test results.  I think we both were hoping I had just tested too soon.  We were hoping to get pregnant before having to start the Clomid. 

Friday was CD5 and my first day taking Clomid.  I was scared because I didn't know how it would effect me.  The ob/gyn warned that it brings hot flashes, mood swings and feels like you are going through menopause.  I try to take it later in the day.  I think the effects have been minimal.  I do think it does make my moods go from 0-10 in a matter of seconds.  One minute I am fine and the next I am angry.  Having PCOS, I have had mood swings, but those had gotten better since February.  I have only experienced a few hot flashes since taking the Clomid.  I also had these hot flashes before taking Clomid.  So of course, I am worried that maybe the Clomid isn't working or won't work.  Before starting the Clomid, I was telling myself that I just need to embrace whatever side effects (mood swings, hot flashes) that it brings because that is how I know it will be working.  But since it is nothing like I thought it would be, I am worried that it's not working on me.  I guess we will see.  It is a waiting game, isn't it?

58 or 2?

Call it lack of sleep or too much sleep, I am not sure.  I posted yesterday that a little while after I got off the phone with the nurse, I started my period.  I know this is weird and probably TMI, but I don't know if I really started or not.  I did not bleed the rest of the day.  Did I dream it?  Am I going crazy?  All I can say is now I am even more confused than ever and don't know which CD I am on.  Is it 58 or 2?

CD57 to CD1

Last week my symptoms just continued to get worse: nauseau, diarrhea, exhaustion, irritability, cramps and pain in my stomach, back pain and loss of appetite.  On CD50, I tested again, of course BFN, so I called the ob/gyn.  I talked to the nurse.  She asked if I have had my thyroid checked recently.  I told her I had, just about a month ago.  She suggested that I try taking 1 Metformin in the AM and 1 Metformin in the PM for 1 week and see if that helps.

I have been taking the Metformin as the nurse suggested and I have noticed some difference.  The diarrhea and cramping are not as bothersome.  However, the nauseau, exhaustion, irritability (lack of patience), back pain and pains in my stomach have continued.  I called the nurse back this morning, I am on CD57 (and received another BFN this morning). She asked if I had tested resently.  I told her that I tested this morning.  She scheduled an appointment for me to come in to talk to the ob/gyn, but it's not until the 23rd.  She said that the ob/gyn won't be back in the office until Monday and she would talk to her then and called me back.

Of course since then I have started my period.  I am thankful, as much as you can be, when you are cramping, in pain and still not feeling well. 

I have been so tired this last month or 2.  It is just so difficult to even get out of bed.  I have to force myself to just get DD breakfast.  I feel horrible that I am not able to do the things I used to do with her.  I can't even get crafts or things together for her to do while I am laying in bed.  I hate to say it, but a lot of times, all I can do is turn on PBS.  I hate that I am not able to work on the alphabet or other educational things with her.  I think the guilt from that and the exhaustion, pain and frustration from PCOS have me defeated.  All I can think about is how I am a terrible mom because I can't do more things with DD. Before I thought it might be silly to send her to preschool, but now I am starting to think it is the best thing for her.  I just feel I am not doing right by her.  I think she is bored being here with me. Hell, I am bored being here with myself.

I Get So Emotional Baby

My cycle in December started on CD21, which is really strange for me. I am normally lucky if I start on CD30-something.

So now, here I am on CD46 and nothing. Friday I went to the $1 Store to buy a few pregnancy tests. I took one that afternoon (I know morning urine is best) and got a negative result. My body must really be messed up. All day yesterday, I was nauseous. I have been extremely emotional. I noticed that on Thursday when DH and I attended something for DD. Just the thought of sending her to school and listening about how her day would be, made me tearful. I don't feel tearful / emotional like depression, but like extremely emotional. Everything DD says makes me want to cry. I have also lost my appetite. Nothing sounds good to me. These are all similar symptoms I had when I was pregnant with DD. So I don't know what is going on. Maybe I tested too soon. Maybe I am just not pregnant.

I am thinking that it is time to call the ob/gyn again. My body is not working still (apparently). I have been on Metformin for about 6 months and Prometrium for about 5 months. I must not be ovulating still. I think if I was I would be pregnant by now. I am thinking that I will call her to see what our options are for fertility drugs. I believe she will start me on Clomid, but not sure how that works.

I was really hoping that I would be pregnant and far enough along by DD's birthday party. I think it would be so neat if the first gift (or last gift) she opens is what spreads the word to everyone attending the party. I thought I would wrap up a "Big Sister" t-shirt and a big sister book or 2. Wouldn't that be awesome? I think it would. In fact I have been thinking about it so much that I am going to be totally disappointed if we don't get to do that this year. I keep thinking, when would be the next great time we could do something like that.

I have also been trying to figure out how or when I would tell DH. Would I tell him right away? Probably because I would be so excited and relieved. If it happened soon, I could tell him on his birthday. Wouldn't that be a great birthday gift?!

I am getting really depressed and resentful that I am not pregnant yet. It is very hard to understand why I can not get pregnant or why this is happening to me. We had no problems getting pregnant with DD. It just doesn't make sense. But I am sure a lot of women feel that way.

Here's to hoping if I am not pregnant, that I start my period soon, so we can TTC again soon.

PCOS Diagnosis

July 16, 2009, DH and I attended an ob/gyn appointment. I have been off BCP since October of 2008. My periods were fine the first 4 months I was off the pill, but then just stopped. My cycle before DD was about 30 something days, now it was 42days long (well the 4 months I had a period!). March and April I didn't have a period. I only had a period in May because the ob/gyn's office prescribed Provera. I missed a period in June and July. I was not ovulating.

The ob/gyn did a pregnancy test and it was negative. She said that I was not ovulating. Apparently my lining is too thick. The estrogen in my body is turning into testosterone, which turns into insulin. She said that every women has cysts in their ovaries. It is one of those cysts that gets fertilized or if it doesn't causes your period to start. Your body only allows the best cyst to get fertilized. Well apparently I don't have any of those "best" cysts. I have what is called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). The ob/gyn said this is why I am gaining weight in the stomach. The fat is just collecting there. She said this is why I am having pains in my stomach as well. We are going to try to treat it with Metformin, which is a Diabetes drug. She is also doing bloodwork to make sure everything else is OK. The Metformin could also cause stomach pain and diarrhea.

When the ob/gyn was telling us this, I was about to lose it, but tried to act OK. I looked over and saw DH tearing up and knew I had to be OK about it. I didn't want both of us to cry over this. After the appointment, while I was waiting for my script and bloodwork req, he lost it and had to leave the office for a minute.

He went to the lab with me. They got me in and out of there rather quickly. I picked up the script for Metformin that evening.