Sperm Smuggler

I had my first IUI for this cycle on July 10th.  As I was carrying the specimen into the ARS / RE's office, I felt as though I was smuggling something.  That morning when DH saw me take the cup with his specimen and put it in my pants (to keep it next to my body), he laughed.  I guess I'm a Sperm Smuggler!  Anyway, I waited about 45 minutes in the waiting room for the sperm to be washed and cleaned.  Kathy was my nurse for this IUI round.  She said they got a good sample.  She said something like 5 or 50 million sperm or something like that.  I can't remember because of the pain that came soon after.  It hurt!  It hurt bad.  I was already really sore and in pain with my ovaries and then to have this catheter being put up me was no fun.  She said that part of the pain was the catheter hitting the wall because it had to curve to get to the uterus and the other part of the pain had to do with overstimulation and having a lot going on in my body.  It hurt much worse than the IUI from my last cycle.  It took everything in me not to jump off the table, but I just reminded myself why I was there and what the end goal would be (hopefully).  I definitely had a dialogue with God while on the table during the IUI and afterwards while I lay still hoping and praying and begging God that this works this time.  I came home and took a nap. 

Monday the 12th, I went in for the second IUI this cycle.  Once again I smuggled sperm into the ARS / RE's office.  It took about 40 minutes for them to wash and clean the sperm this round. I had a different nurse.  She said it was another good sample.  I actually had no pain with this procedure and it seemed over and done with so quick.  As I was laying on the table I did feel some pain, cramping and / or twitching.  As I lay on the table afterwards, I had a talk with God.  This talk was different.  Of course I was praying that this was our cycle.  That this was it, but something definitely felt different.  Later in the day, I was more crampy / twitchy than I was with the other IUI this cycle and last cycle.    

Tuesday the 13th I started taking Prometrium 100mg 3 times / day.  By the end of the day, it typically knocks me out.  Also something that is a little TMI, we also BD near my ovulation time too.  Hoping that one of those little guys would make their way up there and find their way in one way or another.

Friday, I forgot to get my b/w for my progesterone level done.  The lab was closed on Saturday.  I couldn't believe I forgot.  I remembered that I needed to go Thursday night and by Friday it completely slipped my mind.  Since about Wednesday, I have been having a pain in my boob area.  I have been having horrible back pain and been extremely fatigued. Thursday night DH made some popcorn and the smell of the oil made me sick, nauseous sick. Friday, I had pain in my lower abdomen.  Friday evening, I had pain in my upper stomach and was nauseous by the smell of peanut butter.  My stomach was kind of hard (but not from constipation). I have had diarrhea or gastro issues like gas (sorry TMI).  I have been extremely forgetful too. As I said I forget to get my b/w done, I have been mixing up dates for things in my calendar, can't remember one thing from the next and even put my pants on backwards (thankfully they were my pj bottoms).

I called the ARS / RE's office about forgetting to get my b/w done and Kim (the nurse) told me that it is  timed with the Ovidrel, so it would be too late to get it done.  She said not to worry about it because I am already taking Prometrium.

Monday night I was very emotional, crying over everything.  What first got me started was my stomach.  It was so nauseous.  Then I started crying because I couldn't figure out when DD's first day of school was.  Then DH told me my pj bottoms were on backwards and I started crying all over again.  Last night I couldn't sleep and was crying over DD going to school and anything else I could think of.  I have also been a little bit snippy, blunt or to the point more quickly with people.  I have also noticed more CM, frequent urination, extreme nauseous, insomnia, fatigue and hair loss.  I don't know what these symptoms are all from.  It could be from the Metformin, the Prometrium or because I have PCOS. Or it could and I am hoping it is because I am pregnant.  I have been wanting to shout it out that I am pregnant.  I don't know if it's because my body knows I am (already) or if it's because I am crazy and just being too optimistic / hopeful.  I did feel like that when I was pregnant with DD, so here's hoping.  I have also been counting my possible due date which would be early to mid April. DH counted it out too and we compared the due dates we came up with.  DH and I have been talking about names and the possibility of twins and when we would tell family.  The other day DD told me I was going to have a baby soon.  She has always talked about wanting a brother or a sister, mainly a sister, but to tell me I was going to have a baby soon kind of freaked me out.  She seems so sure.  We do not tell her about what is going on with our struggle TTC.  When she asks about having a sibling, we tell her to pray to Jesus about it.

Because of all the symptoms I'm having and because I am kind of driving myself crazy this cycle, I am going to test on Friday and then again the following Friday unless AF has reared her ugly head.

So once again, I am asking for prayers that this will be our cycle.  This IUI business is not cheap even with insurance paying for some of it.  So far I think we owe / have paid about $1000 for the 2 cycles we have done with the ARS / RE.  I realize that for some couples that is nothing compared to their struggle with TTC, but to us that is pretty expensive.  We live on 1 pretty minor income.

PostCoital Test

Wednesday I woke up with a horrible back ache.  It ached all day.  I went to the ARS' office for the postcoital test.  I guess I have been in the office enough, I didn't even have to check in. As soon as I walked in the door, the receptionist waved to me.  They were running late, about 30 minutes.  This was the first time I have ever had to wait.  It was no big deal.  Things / emergencies, non-emergencies come up.  The doctor was actually not in.  He was in Portland and then heading to San Diego for a conference.  After the nurse called my name and took me to the exam room and after undressing from the waist down, while I was sitting on the table, I noticed a very long pair of scissors on the exam table.  Actually I wasn't sure at that point if they were scissors or what they were.  They looked like scissors and I was kind of starting to freak out.  I almost took a picture of the instrument, but didn't want the nurse to walk in and see me bare butt taking a picture of this instrument.  The nurse came in and we started talking about the instrument.  She said that they probably shouldn't have put it out on the exam table first because it might have freaked me out.  I told her that I was a little scared of it.  She said that the exam would feel similar to a pap smear.  She said that she would stick the scissor-like instrument up me to get samples (4 of them) of my CM.  It didn't really hurt per say, but was uncomfortable and definitely lasted longer than a pap smear (at least any I have ever had).  She said that I had plenty of CM, which was good because sometimes when women take Clomid it messes / depletes their CM.  She took the 4 slides in to look at.  When she came back, I could tell that the news wasn't the best.  She said that my CM looks good, but there aren't as many sperm as they like to see swimming around.  She said they like to see 5-10 and only saw maybe 2-3.  The nurse said that at this point we could do 2 things: 1) could do IUI the next day and then continue with the plan or 2) continue with the plan.  She explained what IUI was - DH collects his sample in a container at home no more than an hour before my appointment.  I bring the sample to the office and they clean and select the "perfect" sperm which takes 45-50 minutes then they use a catheter to insert the sperm into me.  She said that this procedure costs $250.  She said normally for an IUI cycle, they would do it 2 times per each cycle, but since I had the postcoital test this cycle, we could only do it 1 time.  She said that there is a possibility (small) that I could get pregnant with the 2-3 sperm that are there and that it was up to us. She said if I thought DH and I would be at all interested to go ahead and schedule it and that I could always cancel it.  DH said that we should go through with it.  So in a little over 6 hours, he will collect a sample and then I will take it to the ARS' office and the IUI procedure will be started. 

I have to say when the nurse said that there wasn't enough sperm in the CM, I had mixed feelings. Part of me was like what, I can't believe that about my man.  Then I was almost relieved that this wasn't all my "fault".  Then I was kind of scared and unsure of what to do / think next.  DH said after I told him the news, he felt depressed at first.  He said that he started thinking "It's because I'm overweight."  "It's because I drink too much diet coke."  "It's because of the underwear I wore growing up."  Then he said that he told himself "Why should I do this to myself, I didn't think this way about DW when we thought it was issues with her?"  I told him that he has a glimpse of what I feel like every day.  Now he knows (kind of) what I feel like and how I feel.  The truth is it is not my fault or his fault.  I don't know why my body won't ovulate (regularly) on it's own and why he had low sperm count / numbers in the CM.  I don't know if we will ever know.  Maybe it is something that we did or are doing, but maybe it isn't.  Maybe that's just the way it is and no matter what we did or do, it will still be the same.  I know that God is preparing our hearts for a 2nd child.  When we are ready He will bless us with that wonderful gift.  It's on His terms and time table.  All we can do is pray to Him and keep loving each other.  We definitely can't blame each other or ourselves.

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

That's Your Baby Maker and Ovidrel Injection

I used the OPK on Sunday and Monday and had no surge, so I called the ARS' office to schedule an u/s.  I was a little (OK, quite) disheartened that I hadn't received a surge.  I went to the u/s yesterday, which was CD16, and got great news!  While the tech was doing the vaginal u/s, she first checked my lining.  She said that it was looking good and was at a 10.  She said they like it to be 8 and above.  She then checked my uterus and checked for any fluid (which could have been left over indicating we missed my ovulation). Thankfully there was no fluid.  She viewed my right ovary and found a lot of small follicles.  Then viewed my left ovary and found the Baby Maker (as she referred to it).  She measured the biggest follicle and it was at 21 1/2!  Anything 18 and above is good.  I was so happy and excited when she told me how big it was.  She said that one is going to be your Baby Maker.  You can get dressed and go up to the front.  As I got off the u/s table and started to get dressed, I got so anxious, excited, happy, emotional, nervous, scared, etc that I started to cry.  I got a hold of myself, but was shaking a little.  I was so scared going into that appointment that things weren't going to progress.  I was feeling something going on inside, but didn't know what.  I guess I was feeling my body getting ready to ovulate!  I saw the nurse and she said that basically now they give me the Ovidrel injection, DH and I should get together that night or the next morning, come in on Wednesday for a post coital test, post ovulation u/s on Friday and progesterone b/w next Tuesday.  She gave me the Ovidrel injection in my right upper arm.  It stung a bit.  Needles are just unpleasant going into the body (at least for me).  I scheduled my appointments and left. 

Later, I was thinking that no matter what happens I thank God for getting me this far.  Knowing that my body (with the help of medication) has gotten to this point is somewhat of a relief to me.  Don't get me wrong, my ultimate joy will be when I hear those beautiful words: "you're pregnant!" and then of course when we hear our beautiful baby make his/her first cries / sounds! 

I am pretty nervous about the post coital test this afternoon.  I hope that everything is good and doing what they are supposed to be doing.  As stupid as this may sound, I just want to know when the ARS / nurse / u/s tech can tell us if we are pregnant.  I am not sure how much longer we have to wait to find out.  Then I think about twins / multiples.  Twins run in both of our families.  In my family both of my parents have twins in their family.  Then the Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel run the "risk" of multiples.  So does all of that multiply our chances of having multiples?!?  First I think, well I only have one follicle that is big enough to produce a mature egg, but then I am reminded that the egg can split to form twins, too. 

If you can't tell, I am a very impatient person.  I try to be more patient.  I try to be patient and listen to what God is trying to tell me or teach me during the waiting, but it's hard for me.  I feel like I have been patient long enough.  Yes, I understand that to some people TTC for 8 or 9 months is not very long.  I know that many have been trying for years and years.  I can't imagine that.  I don't know what I would do or will do if that is how long our journey is.  I know that things are in God's hands.  I have to put my trust in Him and know that His plan is what is best for me.

If you have a chance to say a little prayer for me and that the tests in the upcoming days all come up good and we get a positive result soon, I would really appreciate it. 

CD13 Ultrasound and Gonal F Injection

The (mail order) pharmacy that the ARS's office uses is great.  They have called me several times - 1st to confirm the script, date I needed it and get insurance and payment info, 2nd to see if I received the med and 3rd to make sure the order was correct.  And best of all the Ovidrel injection came the day it was supposed to and it was correct.

The OPKs were negative for a surge on the 3rd and 4th (CD11 and CD12).  I went in for my appointment on the 5th.  The u/s showed 2 follicles on my left ovary and 1 on my right ovary.  There was only 1 on my left that measured enough to be able to use.  The tech said it was at a 14 and they like to see it at 18.  She said it would probably get there in a couple of days.  Then I had an appointment with the nurse.  She said for me to continue doing the OPKs the next few days.  If I get a surge I am to inject myself with the Ovidrel.  If I do not show a surge by the 7th, I need to call them to schedule an u/s for the 8th (so they can see what happened).  She gave me an injection of Gonal F, which she said would give me a boost.  She also showed me how to give myself the Ovidrel injection when she was doing the Gonal F injection.  It burned when she was injecting me and even after it was injected.  She said that was normal and hopefully it wasn't / wouldn't be too uncomfortable.  She said if she was a betting woman, she would bet that I would have a surge by Monday.  Here's hoping so!

The OPK for later that day was negative for a surge.  The Gonal F injection site stopped burning, but is a little sore at times. 

I do worry about the medications (Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel) and the effect(s) they will have on my body in the long run.  I guess and hope that they are safe and don't / won't cause any kind of problems or disease.  I haven't done much, if any, research on the meds because I don't want to know.  I want another child.  I don't want DD to be an only child.  DD wants a sibling.  So at this point, I want to be ignorant of the side effects, short term and long term.  I trust the ARS and God and that's all I can do at this point.  I don't need any more stress. 

Possibilities

I am on CD25.  I test in 4 days!  I can't wait!  I am trying not to get too anxious / excited about it, but I feel like maybe God has been preparing my heart for this cycle to be it.  DH and I have been talking about IF and TTC pretty openly these days.  We have talked about a possible due date if we were to get a BFP this cycle.  We have also talked about the possibility of multiples since I am taking Clomid.  At first, I was hoping and praying that when we do get pregnant, it would be with one healthy child.  But now, I can say that I am open to what God has planned for us.  Although, if His plan is for us not to have any more children, I will fight that kicking and screaming.  But it is His will and I will ultimately be OK with that.  Anyway, I have had several eye opening experiences lately concerning multiples, specifically twins. Our neighbor recently had twin girls and I have seen her outside with them, holding them both in her arms.  It made me realize that it was possible to cuddle two babies at the same time.  While my mom was in the hospital (just last week), I met a guy on the elevator whose wife just had twins.  He was beaming from excitement!  It almost made me cry.  Then another day when we went to see the babies in the nursery (for the millionth time because that was DD's favorite thing to do), we met another person who had twin girls.  At the end of the week, I was like "OK God are you trying to tell me something?  Are you trying to prepare me for something? If you are, I am OK with the multiples (or at least twins) thing." 

I hope I don't come across as ungrateful.  I would be grateful for whatever God gives me / us.  I think I was just afraid I couldn't handle it.  I have a problem with asking people for help and don't want to get in over my head.  I have a problem with having other people have to help me raise my children because I want to do it myself and on my own (with my DH of course). And my mom and God and our church. 

DD has been asking about a sibling more often.  Specifically a baby.  My sister and her were telling me it was time to have a baby while we were at the hospital last week.  I wanted to scream "It's not that easy! I wish it was. I wish I could have another baby."  In the car one day, DD asked if we could have a baby.  I told her that mommy and daddy were trying and that it was up to Jesus.  She said "Jesus, can we have a baby?"  Then she said "He said we could. Thank you Jesus."  Maybe she knows something I don't.  The faith of a child!  I wish I had that faith all the time.

I know that I will be devasted if we get a BFN or AF comes, but I know that I will continue this journey to have another child until we can't go any further.  Maybe if this isn't my cycle the next one will be. 

Last Clomid for this Cycle

I took my 5th Clomid pill / last Clomid pill for this cycle yesterday.  I think my mood swings were pretty bad these 5 days.  I am not sure if I can blame the Clomid or if the stress from TTC is getting to me.  I am having such a hard time dealing with not being pregnant yet.  It was so easy the first time to get pregnant.  I just can't believe that we are experiencing this.  I can't believe that any of us are experiencing this.  We want to be mothers so badly.  I just have to keep reminding myself that God is in charge.  He will do what is right for us.  He has blessed me beyond I deserve.  He has given me a beautiful 3 year old daughter to love and I do love her so much.  Every time I look at her, I think to myself, she is enough.  If she is the only child God gives me, she is enough.  I thank Him everyday for blessing me with her and thank Him for how amazing she is.

I keep thinking that this has to be the cycle.  DH and I were texting about it last week.  I texted him that if this was the cycle for us, our due date would be around December 19th.  I thought he would think I was crazy thinking this far ahead, but he actually said it was something he had been thinking about too.  We talked about the possibility of having a Christmas baby.  It was so nice to talk about it.  He is not much of a talker and I tend to keep this kind of stuff in.  I have a huge problem talking about being infertile and not being pregnant yet.  That is why I started this blog.  I have to get this stuff out and it is easier for me to type it than to say the words. Thank you all for listening / reading and supporting me.