Good News Turned Devastating

Saturday July 31st, I received a vm from the nurse at the RE's office.  She said she received the results of my b/w and that she hated to leave the results on vm.  She said my HCG came back positive, but the level was low indicating that I would miscarry.  She said over the next few days I would start to bleed and I would have to get a few more blood tests done to make sure everything was out of my system.  She said she was really sorry and that unfortunately this happens sometimes.  I was so devastated, but glad that she left the vm because I was able to let DH listen to it.  I don't know if I would have been able to tell him.  I was crying so hard.  I was so upset by that news.  I can't believe our prayers were answered, I was pregnant, but then our prayers were shattered and I was miscarrying.  To know that you are pregnant (or were) and just waiting to miscarry is such a terrible feeling.  Actually I didn't and still don't know how to feel about it.  They say it is an early miscarriage and most women don't even know about it.  They just think they are having a late period that month.  I wondered if that is what had been happening to us every month, but am pretty sure that it hadn't been the case now.  It is called a chemical pregnancy because it was only verified by b/w and not u/s (at least that's what I read). For some reason, this terminology makes me feel like it is not a real pregnancy / not a real loss.

Sunday August 1st, we had tickets to a ballgame.  Of course, I didn't want to go, but for DH's and DD's sakes felt I just needed to suck it up.  The worst thing was that I started bleeding right before we left.  Before the bleeding started I was holding out hope and praying that I would not bleed and end up finding out everything was going to be OK.  After I started bleeding, of course I lost the hope and just felt sad.  I told my niece about what happened and she was sad and supportive about it.  DH hasn't really said much about it so I really don't know how he feels about it.  He has been supportive.  My flow was heavy and crampy.

I called the RE's office on Monday, the 2nd.  They said that I would need to have at least 1 more blood test and scheduled it for Thursday the 5th.  She said the RE wanted us to take a break this month and that we could start TTC again after my next period.  She said that the good thing is we know we are on the right track.  A good friend that also has PCOS contacted me and I told her about what happened.  She has been very supportive, sending text messages, offering to babysit DD, offering to bring dinner over and sending me a very sweet card.  My niece and I told my mom about the miscarriage on Tuesday.

I was feeling pretty down until Wednesday.  Not only struggling with my feelings regarding the miscarriage, but then thinking about DD.  Somehow, she thought she was getting a baby brother.  Now what do I tell her?  I really felt like a failure that I couldn't give her a sibling.  By Wednesday, I was starting to feel a little better.  Thursday I went to have another HCG done and it came back negative.  The RE's office said to call them when I have my next period so we can start TTC again (if that's what we want to do) and to make sure we use contraception this month (just in case).  Saturday the 7th, we went by my sister's house and she said my niece told her what happened and that she is there for me if I ever want to talk about it.  I have received a lot of support from the few that know what is going on and it is very much appreciated.  AF lasted about 5 days, but came back 1 more day for spotting. 

I have avoided writing this post for so long because I am still confused and unsure of how I feel about it all. I have been trying to figure it out.  My belief is that life begins at conception, so this is a life that I have lost.  Right?  I think part of the issue is I wonder if I have any right to grieve.  I have read and heard stories about women having miscarriages after seeing their baby in an u/s or even women well into their 3rd trimester.  Surely they deserve to grieve more than me, right?  I didn't get to see my baby at all.  As soon as I found out for sure I was pregnant, I found out I was losing the baby.  

I have always heard that it is good to have the nauseous and sickness feelings because it means your pregnancy is strong.  That is a bunch of BS.  I had all those symptoms and feelings and it didn't mean a darn thing.  I still lost my baby.  Up until Saturday night I had some of the symptoms.  It seems like such a sick joke, all of it.  The symptoms, knowing of the positive blood test. 

I keep trying to tell myself to look at the positives.  At least I have been pregnant twice.  Once resulting in a beautiful healthy baby (my 3.5 year old).  And that it was for the best for this baby.  I have read that there was probably some type of chromosome abnormality and it was for the best. 

Not only have I been sad about the miscarriage, but then to have to bench this month< I was not happy about that.  I have actually come to grips with that part though.  I have actually told myself this is all for the best.  DD started school this month.  School ends in May. If we end up getting to start TTC in September, and get pregnant, the baby would be due sometime in June.  This would work out great because DD would be out of school and get to spend a few months home with me and the baby.  I really would like for her to get to be home with us for a few months before returning to school.   It feels weird writing this.  Almost like it is disrespectful to the baby I lost. 

Yesterday DD was playing with her cousin (who is around her age).  Her cousin said something about DD's brother.  I said DD doesn't have a brother.  She said well DD said she had a brother.  That almost made me cry.  Does DD know something that I didn't get to know?

Last Clomid for this Cycle

I took my 5th Clomid pill / last Clomid pill for this cycle yesterday.  I think my mood swings were pretty bad these 5 days.  I am not sure if I can blame the Clomid or if the stress from TTC is getting to me.  I am having such a hard time dealing with not being pregnant yet.  It was so easy the first time to get pregnant.  I just can't believe that we are experiencing this.  I can't believe that any of us are experiencing this.  We want to be mothers so badly.  I just have to keep reminding myself that God is in charge.  He will do what is right for us.  He has blessed me beyond I deserve.  He has given me a beautiful 3 year old daughter to love and I do love her so much.  Every time I look at her, I think to myself, she is enough.  If she is the only child God gives me, she is enough.  I thank Him everyday for blessing me with her and thank Him for how amazing she is.

I keep thinking that this has to be the cycle.  DH and I were texting about it last week.  I texted him that if this was the cycle for us, our due date would be around December 19th.  I thought he would think I was crazy thinking this far ahead, but he actually said it was something he had been thinking about too.  We talked about the possibility of having a Christmas baby.  It was so nice to talk about it.  He is not much of a talker and I tend to keep this kind of stuff in.  I have a huge problem talking about being infertile and not being pregnant yet.  That is why I started this blog.  I have to get this stuff out and it is easier for me to type it than to say the words. Thank you all for listening / reading and supporting me.

My History

On January 29th, I saw on Daily Strength, a question regarding Vitex.  The replies from the post stated that these women had great success with it.  I looked it up and thought I would give it a try.  I went to the store and bought Vitex and progesterone cream.  I started taking a cough decongestant on the 28th because I read that it can help with the cervical mucus. I also decided that I must have been delirious on the 28th when I thought I had a visit from AF.  Of course I am delirious, 59 days without a period?

When I think about my history and my diagnosis of PCOS, I always wonder if I didn't cause it.  I was on BCP for years that I only needed to have a visit from AF 4 times per year.  I wonder if that could have tricked my body into only having AF every few months. But then when I read symptoms and information on PCOS and LPD, I have had those for years. I switched from ob/gyn to ob/gyn trying to find out what was wrong with me until I met my current ob/gyn in 2003.  I always thought / knew something was wrong, but no doctor would listen to me.  I was diagnosed in 1996 with a hypothyroid.  Then depression some several years later.  I had a laproscopy and hysterscopy in 2002.  The ob/gyn punctured my uterus during these procedures.  She thought I had endometriosis, but said I didn't after these procedures.  I found my current ob/gyn in 2003 at a women's event.  She asked me to give her a chance and I did.  She didn't diagnose me with PCOS until last year, but she has always listened to me and taken my concerns seriously.  When I first started seeing her, she found a BCP that worked for me and seemed to "cure" my symptoms.  She is the doctor that recommended I go on BCP that I only need to have AF 4 times per year.  My visits from AF were horrible, so I agreed.   Things were fine.  DH and I decided we would start TTC in June 2006.  In March 2006, I stopped taking BCP and was pregnant in May 2006.  We had a healthy, beautiful little girl in 2007.  I did have GD during the pregnancy. 

I Get So Emotional Baby

My cycle in December started on CD21, which is really strange for me. I am normally lucky if I start on CD30-something.

So now, here I am on CD46 and nothing. Friday I went to the $1 Store to buy a few pregnancy tests. I took one that afternoon (I know morning urine is best) and got a negative result. My body must really be messed up. All day yesterday, I was nauseous. I have been extremely emotional. I noticed that on Thursday when DH and I attended something for DD. Just the thought of sending her to school and listening about how her day would be, made me tearful. I don't feel tearful / emotional like depression, but like extremely emotional. Everything DD says makes me want to cry. I have also lost my appetite. Nothing sounds good to me. These are all similar symptoms I had when I was pregnant with DD. So I don't know what is going on. Maybe I tested too soon. Maybe I am just not pregnant.

I am thinking that it is time to call the ob/gyn again. My body is not working still (apparently). I have been on Metformin for about 6 months and Prometrium for about 5 months. I must not be ovulating still. I think if I was I would be pregnant by now. I am thinking that I will call her to see what our options are for fertility drugs. I believe she will start me on Clomid, but not sure how that works.

I was really hoping that I would be pregnant and far enough along by DD's birthday party. I think it would be so neat if the first gift (or last gift) she opens is what spreads the word to everyone attending the party. I thought I would wrap up a "Big Sister" t-shirt and a big sister book or 2. Wouldn't that be awesome? I think it would. In fact I have been thinking about it so much that I am going to be totally disappointed if we don't get to do that this year. I keep thinking, when would be the next great time we could do something like that.

I have also been trying to figure out how or when I would tell DH. Would I tell him right away? Probably because I would be so excited and relieved. If it happened soon, I could tell him on his birthday. Wouldn't that be a great birthday gift?!

I am getting really depressed and resentful that I am not pregnant yet. It is very hard to understand why I can not get pregnant or why this is happening to me. We had no problems getting pregnant with DD. It just doesn't make sense. But I am sure a lot of women feel that way.

Here's to hoping if I am not pregnant, that I start my period soon, so we can TTC again soon.

Something Must Be In The Water

I can not believe all the people I know that just had a baby or that are pregnant. It is ridiculous. Here is the list (sorry to bore you):
1. S had a boy in April
2. CB had a boy in April
3. LS had a girl in April
4. EE had a girl in June
5. N had a girl in July
6. K had a boy in July
7. AB had a boy in October
8. A had a boy in November
9. K had a girl in November
10. EB had a girl in November
11. TG & MG had a boy in November
12. CE had a girl in December
13. J had a baby in December
14. BG & NG had a girl in December
15. D is due any day now
16. W is due this month
17. A is due in April
18. TL is due in March
19. TD is due in March
20. K is due in March with twins
21. SB is due with a girl soon
22. KB is due in a few months
23. LP & MP adopted a girl in April
24. GG & B are due in January
25. LN & TN are due in April
26. JP & AP are due in February
27. SS is due in April with twins
28. R & N are due soon
29. B is due in a few months
30. T & F are due in August
31. JB & EB are due in August

That is a hell of a lot of people and I am sure that I am forgetting about a few or will learn of more pregnant people in the next day or so. It seems like everyday I am hearing that someone is pregnant.

While I am super excited for everyone, I can't help but feel very jealous. With my recent diagnoses, I just worry that it will never be me, that I will never be pregnant again. It really bothered me when I would hear news of someone being pregnant when DH wasn't ready to start trying. I feel like we have been given a time limit on having kids. I am really worried about using fertility drugs or fertility treatments. First off, the cost and secondly, the possibility of multiple births just stresses me out. I have really been keeping my stress, worry, frustration and sadness about all of this to myself.

But will we be OK family wise? I want more children more than anything. I think DD would be an amazing big sister. I feel like she would be losing out on so much if we can't give her that opportunity. She deserves to be a big sister. She deserves to have brothers and sisters that look just like her or have similar features and that love and adore her (as she will them). I want to have more than 1 pregnancy and more than 1 biological child. I would like to have at least 4 children (not all at the same time). I want to have 3 more pregnancies and all end up in live births with healthy babies being the outcome.

You might wonder why I am afraid of miscarriage. With the LPD diagnosis, the biggest risk is that if I do / can get pregnant, that I will miscarry. I do not have enough progesterone in my body to be able to maintain a pregnancy. I am glad this was found out now and not after a miscarriage. I really hope that we don't have to know the pain that comes with miscarriage. I know EE, CB, and B know that pain. It must be so difficult and I do not want to have to go through that.

DH and I talked, well I cried, one evening after leaving a friend's house. I love being around my friends, but it is really tough when they are almost all pregnant or recently given birth. That is when we decided to start TTC. It was August 29th.

We are not TTC because of all of our friends, but because he is finally ready. Before it was him holding us back. He stresses about finances too much. I think of finances too, but know that things will get better. God will provide. I am trying to find more kids to babysit. He will graduate in 2011 and get a better job (if not before). We will be OK. If we have to, we can / will sell the house. We could stop the 401K and defer my school loans. The credit cards will be paid off at the end of 2010. We will be OK financially. The other thing holding us back from TTC was issues with his family that affected our marriage.

I did have mixed emotions about getting pregnant because of the way things are with DH's family. I talked about this with E. DH and I have a strong marriage - that has been proven. We can't let them dictate or decide when we will continue or add on to our family. Problems with them could very well always exist (as long as they are around and in our lives).