Saturday July 31st, I received a vm from the nurse at the RE's office. She said she received the results of my b/w and that she hated to leave the results on vm. She said my HCG came back positive, but the level was low indicating that I would miscarry. She said over the next few days I would start to bleed and I would have to get a few more blood tests done to make sure everything was out of my system. She said she was really sorry and that unfortunately this happens sometimes. I was so devastated, but glad that she left the vm because I was able to let DH listen to it. I don't know if I would have been able to tell him. I was crying so hard. I was so upset by that news. I can't believe our prayers were answered, I was pregnant, but then our prayers were shattered and I was miscarrying. To know that you are pregnant (or were) and just waiting to miscarry is such a terrible feeling. Actually I didn't and still don't know how to feel about it. They say it is an early miscarriage and most women don't even know about it. They just think they are having a late period that month. I wondered if that is what had been happening to us every month, but am pretty sure that it hadn't been the case now. It is called a chemical pregnancy because it was only verified by b/w and not u/s (at least that's what I read). For some reason, this terminology makes me feel like it is not a real pregnancy / not a real loss.
Sunday August 1st, we had tickets to a ballgame. Of course, I didn't want to go, but for DH's and DD's sakes felt I just needed to suck it up. The worst thing was that I started bleeding right before we left. Before the bleeding started I was holding out hope and praying that I would not bleed and end up finding out everything was going to be OK. After I started bleeding, of course I lost the hope and just felt sad. I told my niece about what happened and she was sad and supportive about it. DH hasn't really said much about it so I really don't know how he feels about it. He has been supportive. My flow was heavy and crampy.
I called the RE's office on Monday, the 2nd. They said that I would need to have at least 1 more blood test and scheduled it for Thursday the 5th. She said the RE wanted us to take a break this month and that we could start TTC again after my next period. She said that the good thing is we know we are on the right track. A good friend that also has PCOS contacted me and I told her about what happened. She has been very supportive, sending text messages, offering to babysit DD, offering to bring dinner over and sending me a very sweet card. My niece and I told my mom about the miscarriage on Tuesday.
I was feeling pretty down until Wednesday. Not only struggling with my feelings regarding the miscarriage, but then thinking about DD. Somehow, she thought she was getting a baby brother. Now what do I tell her? I really felt like a failure that I couldn't give her a sibling. By Wednesday, I was starting to feel a little better. Thursday I went to have another HCG done and it came back negative. The RE's office said to call them when I have my next period so we can start TTC again (if that's what we want to do) and to make sure we use contraception this month (just in case). Saturday the 7th, we went by my sister's house and she said my niece told her what happened and that she is there for me if I ever want to talk about it. I have received a lot of support from the few that know what is going on and it is very much appreciated. AF lasted about 5 days, but came back 1 more day for spotting.
I have avoided writing this post for so long because I am still confused and unsure of how I feel about it all. I have been trying to figure it out. My belief is that life begins at conception, so this is a life that I have lost. Right? I think part of the issue is I wonder if I have any right to grieve. I have read and heard stories about women having miscarriages after seeing their baby in an u/s or even women well into their 3rd trimester. Surely they deserve to grieve more than me, right? I didn't get to see my baby at all. As soon as I found out for sure I was pregnant, I found out I was losing the baby.
I have always heard that it is good to have the nauseous and sickness feelings because it means your pregnancy is strong. That is a bunch of BS. I had all those symptoms and feelings and it didn't mean a darn thing. I still lost my baby. Up until Saturday night I had some of the symptoms. It seems like such a sick joke, all of it. The symptoms, knowing of the positive blood test.
I keep trying to tell myself to look at the positives. At least I have been pregnant twice. Once resulting in a beautiful healthy baby (my 3.5 year old). And that it was for the best for this baby. I have read that there was probably some type of chromosome abnormality and it was for the best.
Not only have I been sad about the miscarriage, but then to have to bench this month< I was not happy about that. I have actually come to grips with that part though. I have actually told myself this is all for the best. DD started school this month. School ends in May. If we end up getting to start TTC in September, and get pregnant, the baby would be due sometime in June. This would work out great because DD would be out of school and get to spend a few months home with me and the baby. I really would like for her to get to be home with us for a few months before returning to school. It feels weird writing this. Almost like it is disrespectful to the baby I lost.
Yesterday DD was playing with her cousin (who is around her age). Her cousin said something about DD's brother. I said DD doesn't have a brother. She said well DD said she had a brother. That almost made me cry. Does DD know something that I didn't get to know?
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Sperm Smuggler
I had my first IUI for this cycle on July 10th. As I was carrying the specimen into the ARS / RE's office, I felt as though I was smuggling something. That morning when DH saw me take the cup with his specimen and put it in my pants (to keep it next to my body), he laughed. I guess I'm a Sperm Smuggler! Anyway, I waited about 45 minutes in the waiting room for the sperm to be washed and cleaned. Kathy was my nurse for this IUI round. She said they got a good sample. She said something like 5 or 50 million sperm or something like that. I can't remember because of the pain that came soon after. It hurt! It hurt bad. I was already really sore and in pain with my ovaries and then to have this catheter being put up me was no fun. She said that part of the pain was the catheter hitting the wall because it had to curve to get to the uterus and the other part of the pain had to do with overstimulation and having a lot going on in my body. It hurt much worse than the IUI from my last cycle. It took everything in me not to jump off the table, but I just reminded myself why I was there and what the end goal would be (hopefully). I definitely had a dialogue with God while on the table during the IUI and afterwards while I lay still hoping and praying and begging God that this works this time. I came home and took a nap.
Monday the 12th, I went in for the second IUI this cycle. Once again I smuggled sperm into the ARS / RE's office. It took about 40 minutes for them to wash and clean the sperm this round. I had a different nurse. She said it was another good sample. I actually had no pain with this procedure and it seemed over and done with so quick. As I was laying on the table I did feel some pain, cramping and / or twitching. As I lay on the table afterwards, I had a talk with God. This talk was different. Of course I was praying that this was our cycle. That this was it, but something definitely felt different. Later in the day, I was more crampy / twitchy than I was with the other IUI this cycle and last cycle.
Tuesday the 13th I started taking Prometrium 100mg 3 times / day. By the end of the day, it typically knocks me out. Also something that is a little TMI, we also BD near my ovulation time too. Hoping that one of those little guys would make their way up there and find their way in one way or another.
Friday, I forgot to get my b/w for my progesterone level done. The lab was closed on Saturday. I couldn't believe I forgot. I remembered that I needed to go Thursday night and by Friday it completely slipped my mind. Since about Wednesday, I have been having a pain in my boob area. I have been having horrible back pain and been extremely fatigued. Thursday night DH made some popcorn and the smell of the oil made me sick, nauseous sick. Friday, I had pain in my lower abdomen. Friday evening, I had pain in my upper stomach and was nauseous by the smell of peanut butter. My stomach was kind of hard (but not from constipation). I have had diarrhea or gastro issues like gas (sorry TMI). I have been extremely forgetful too. As I said I forget to get my b/w done, I have been mixing up dates for things in my calendar, can't remember one thing from the next and even put my pants on backwards (thankfully they were my pj bottoms).
I called the ARS / RE's office about forgetting to get my b/w done and Kim (the nurse) told me that it is timed with the Ovidrel, so it would be too late to get it done. She said not to worry about it because I am already taking Prometrium.
Monday night I was very emotional, crying over everything. What first got me started was my stomach. It was so nauseous. Then I started crying because I couldn't figure out when DD's first day of school was. Then DH told me my pj bottoms were on backwards and I started crying all over again. Last night I couldn't sleep and was crying over DD going to school and anything else I could think of. I have also been a little bit snippy, blunt or to the point more quickly with people. I have also noticed more CM, frequent urination, extreme nauseous, insomnia, fatigue and hair loss. I don't know what these symptoms are all from. It could be from the Metformin, the Prometrium or because I have PCOS. Or it could and I am hoping it is because I am pregnant. I have been wanting to shout it out that I am pregnant. I don't know if it's because my body knows I am (already) or if it's because I am crazy and just being too optimistic / hopeful. I did feel like that when I was pregnant with DD, so here's hoping. I have also been counting my possible due date which would be early to mid April. DH counted it out too and we compared the due dates we came up with. DH and I have been talking about names and the possibility of twins and when we would tell family. The other day DD told me I was going to have a baby soon. She has always talked about wanting a brother or a sister, mainly a sister, but to tell me I was going to have a baby soon kind of freaked me out. She seems so sure. We do not tell her about what is going on with our struggle TTC. When she asks about having a sibling, we tell her to pray to Jesus about it.
Because of all the symptoms I'm having and because I am kind of driving myself crazy this cycle, I am going to test on Friday and then again the following Friday unless AF has reared her ugly head.
So once again, I am asking for prayers that this will be our cycle. This IUI business is not cheap even with insurance paying for some of it. So far I think we owe / have paid about $1000 for the 2 cycles we have done with the ARS / RE. I realize that for some couples that is nothing compared to their struggle with TTC, but to us that is pretty expensive. We live on 1 pretty minor income.
Monday the 12th, I went in for the second IUI this cycle. Once again I smuggled sperm into the ARS / RE's office. It took about 40 minutes for them to wash and clean the sperm this round. I had a different nurse. She said it was another good sample. I actually had no pain with this procedure and it seemed over and done with so quick. As I was laying on the table I did feel some pain, cramping and / or twitching. As I lay on the table afterwards, I had a talk with God. This talk was different. Of course I was praying that this was our cycle. That this was it, but something definitely felt different. Later in the day, I was more crampy / twitchy than I was with the other IUI this cycle and last cycle.
Tuesday the 13th I started taking Prometrium 100mg 3 times / day. By the end of the day, it typically knocks me out. Also something that is a little TMI, we also BD near my ovulation time too. Hoping that one of those little guys would make their way up there and find their way in one way or another.
Friday, I forgot to get my b/w for my progesterone level done. The lab was closed on Saturday. I couldn't believe I forgot. I remembered that I needed to go Thursday night and by Friday it completely slipped my mind. Since about Wednesday, I have been having a pain in my boob area. I have been having horrible back pain and been extremely fatigued. Thursday night DH made some popcorn and the smell of the oil made me sick, nauseous sick. Friday, I had pain in my lower abdomen. Friday evening, I had pain in my upper stomach and was nauseous by the smell of peanut butter. My stomach was kind of hard (but not from constipation). I have had diarrhea or gastro issues like gas (sorry TMI). I have been extremely forgetful too. As I said I forget to get my b/w done, I have been mixing up dates for things in my calendar, can't remember one thing from the next and even put my pants on backwards (thankfully they were my pj bottoms).
I called the ARS / RE's office about forgetting to get my b/w done and Kim (the nurse) told me that it is timed with the Ovidrel, so it would be too late to get it done. She said not to worry about it because I am already taking Prometrium.
Monday night I was very emotional, crying over everything. What first got me started was my stomach. It was so nauseous. Then I started crying because I couldn't figure out when DD's first day of school was. Then DH told me my pj bottoms were on backwards and I started crying all over again. Last night I couldn't sleep and was crying over DD going to school and anything else I could think of. I have also been a little bit snippy, blunt or to the point more quickly with people. I have also noticed more CM, frequent urination, extreme nauseous, insomnia, fatigue and hair loss. I don't know what these symptoms are all from. It could be from the Metformin, the Prometrium or because I have PCOS. Or it could and I am hoping it is because I am pregnant. I have been wanting to shout it out that I am pregnant. I don't know if it's because my body knows I am (already) or if it's because I am crazy and just being too optimistic / hopeful. I did feel like that when I was pregnant with DD, so here's hoping. I have also been counting my possible due date which would be early to mid April. DH counted it out too and we compared the due dates we came up with. DH and I have been talking about names and the possibility of twins and when we would tell family. The other day DD told me I was going to have a baby soon. She has always talked about wanting a brother or a sister, mainly a sister, but to tell me I was going to have a baby soon kind of freaked me out. She seems so sure. We do not tell her about what is going on with our struggle TTC. When she asks about having a sibling, we tell her to pray to Jesus about it.
Because of all the symptoms I'm having and because I am kind of driving myself crazy this cycle, I am going to test on Friday and then again the following Friday unless AF has reared her ugly head.
So once again, I am asking for prayers that this will be our cycle. This IUI business is not cheap even with insurance paying for some of it. So far I think we owe / have paid about $1000 for the 2 cycles we have done with the ARS / RE. I realize that for some couples that is nothing compared to their struggle with TTC, but to us that is pretty expensive. We live on 1 pretty minor income.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
That's Your Baby Maker and Ovidrel Injection
I used the OPK on Sunday and Monday and had no surge, so I called the ARS' office to schedule an u/s. I was a little (OK, quite) disheartened that I hadn't received a surge. I went to the u/s yesterday, which was CD16, and got great news! While the tech was doing the vaginal u/s, she first checked my lining. She said that it was looking good and was at a 10. She said they like it to be 8 and above. She then checked my uterus and checked for any fluid (which could have been left over indicating we missed my ovulation). Thankfully there was no fluid. She viewed my right ovary and found a lot of small follicles. Then viewed my left ovary and found the Baby Maker (as she referred to it). She measured the biggest follicle and it was at 21 1/2! Anything 18 and above is good. I was so happy and excited when she told me how big it was. She said that one is going to be your Baby Maker. You can get dressed and go up to the front. As I got off the u/s table and started to get dressed, I got so anxious, excited, happy, emotional, nervous, scared, etc that I started to cry. I got a hold of myself, but was shaking a little. I was so scared going into that appointment that things weren't going to progress. I was feeling something going on inside, but didn't know what. I guess I was feeling my body getting ready to ovulate! I saw the nurse and she said that basically now they give me the Ovidrel injection, DH and I should get together that night or the next morning, come in on Wednesday for a post coital test, post ovulation u/s on Friday and progesterone b/w next Tuesday. She gave me the Ovidrel injection in my right upper arm. It stung a bit. Needles are just unpleasant going into the body (at least for me). I scheduled my appointments and left.
Later, I was thinking that no matter what happens I thank God for getting me this far. Knowing that my body (with the help of medication) has gotten to this point is somewhat of a relief to me. Don't get me wrong, my ultimate joy will be when I hear those beautiful words: "you're pregnant!" and then of course when we hear our beautiful baby make his/her first cries / sounds!
I am pretty nervous about the post coital test this afternoon. I hope that everything is good and doing what they are supposed to be doing. As stupid as this may sound, I just want to know when the ARS / nurse / u/s tech can tell us if we are pregnant. I am not sure how much longer we have to wait to find out. Then I think about twins / multiples. Twins run in both of our families. In my family both of my parents have twins in their family. Then the Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel run the "risk" of multiples. So does all of that multiply our chances of having multiples?!? First I think, well I only have one follicle that is big enough to produce a mature egg, but then I am reminded that the egg can split to form twins, too.
If you can't tell, I am a very impatient person. I try to be more patient. I try to be patient and listen to what God is trying to tell me or teach me during the waiting, but it's hard for me. I feel like I have been patient long enough. Yes, I understand that to some people TTC for 8 or 9 months is not very long. I know that many have been trying for years and years. I can't imagine that. I don't know what I would do or will do if that is how long our journey is. I know that things are in God's hands. I have to put my trust in Him and know that His plan is what is best for me.
If you have a chance to say a little prayer for me and that the tests in the upcoming days all come up good and we get a positive result soon, I would really appreciate it.
Later, I was thinking that no matter what happens I thank God for getting me this far. Knowing that my body (with the help of medication) has gotten to this point is somewhat of a relief to me. Don't get me wrong, my ultimate joy will be when I hear those beautiful words: "you're pregnant!" and then of course when we hear our beautiful baby make his/her first cries / sounds!
I am pretty nervous about the post coital test this afternoon. I hope that everything is good and doing what they are supposed to be doing. As stupid as this may sound, I just want to know when the ARS / nurse / u/s tech can tell us if we are pregnant. I am not sure how much longer we have to wait to find out. Then I think about twins / multiples. Twins run in both of our families. In my family both of my parents have twins in their family. Then the Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel run the "risk" of multiples. So does all of that multiply our chances of having multiples?!? First I think, well I only have one follicle that is big enough to produce a mature egg, but then I am reminded that the egg can split to form twins, too.
If you can't tell, I am a very impatient person. I try to be more patient. I try to be patient and listen to what God is trying to tell me or teach me during the waiting, but it's hard for me. I feel like I have been patient long enough. Yes, I understand that to some people TTC for 8 or 9 months is not very long. I know that many have been trying for years and years. I can't imagine that. I don't know what I would do or will do if that is how long our journey is. I know that things are in God's hands. I have to put my trust in Him and know that His plan is what is best for me.
If you have a chance to say a little prayer for me and that the tests in the upcoming days all come up good and we get a positive result soon, I would really appreciate it.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Not the One
Last cycle was not the cycle for us. I test on April 12th, 14th and 17th and received a BFN every time. AF came and CD36 became CD1. It is getting harder and harder for me to be around my group of friends. Almost all of them have 2 children and actually 1 just told me that she is pregnant with her 3rd. While I am so happy for her, I just can't help but be upset that it's not me. I feel unwelcomed or like a don't fit in with them. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to be friends with them. At first I tried to put it off on them, but have actually come to the awareness / realization that it is me. I have not shared this struggle / battle with any of them. They are aware that I have PCOS and LPD, but not that we are and have been TTC since the end of August / beginning of September 2009. When asked if we will have more kids (which is not very often by them), I always tell them we aren't sure or not yet. I just hate to feel vulnerable and be pitied or felt sorry for. I just don't feel I can open that part up to them. I have shared other struggles with them and didn't get the support I needed / wanted / hoped for from them, so I can't share this with them.
I started my 2nd round of Clomid on April 23rd (which was CD5) and took it until the 27th (CD9). I started Prometrium on May 2nd (CD14). I have also been charting my temperatures since April 24th. This has just added to the confusion. My temp started around 97.05 then dropped to 96.5, then rose back up to the highest being 97.6. I have not had any other signs of ovulation - mucus or cramps, so I am thinking I have not ovulated this cycle or at least not yet. I am not really sure how to read the chart (for my temps), even though I have read up on it. I am currently on CD20 and have given up hope for this cycle.
We attended a friends' baby shower. It was actually for their 2nd child. While I am so happy for them, I can't help be a little pissed. This friend didn't even know if they wanted kids and now she gets blessed with 2! I know it is harsh for me to say that or even feel that way. She is a really good friend. Probably close to the best or most supportive friend I have, but it is still hard to swallow. I haven't even been able to bring myself to share this struggle of TTC with her, either. It's almost like a Jekyl / Hyde thing. I am so happy for them, yet so jealous, angry, pissed, etc that it is not me.
My friends have scheduled a few playdates / get togethers that I have just skipped because I just can't be around them. It is so difficult. They don't understand what I am going through. I know I haven't told them. I haven't shared it with them and they are not mind readers, but still I just feel like I don't belong with them and can't be around them. I have started withdrawing from a lot of public situations because it is so upsetting to see someone pregnant or with multiple children. I have tried to be OK with it and put my trust in God, but somedays it seems that it is thrown in my face. I have thought of talking to someone at our church about our secondary infertility and seeking counseling for it. But I just don't know how to start the conversation. The other night I just lied in bed next to DH crying. He doesn't know what to say and doesn't understand fully. He wants another child, but says if we can't have one of our own we will adopt. I know that I would love any child that we adopted and have always wanted to adopt, but didn't think I would be "forced to it". I guess I struggle with, why me? What did I do to deserve to not be able to have any more biological children? Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have DD. She is such a joy. She is what makes me go on. She is the light of my life. I enjoy her so much.
This struggle is obviously very personal and I have looked to the Bible for answers and have been praying to God for answers. If His answer is no, I pray that He gives me the courage and strength to cope with that. I do know that deep down His plan is what is best for me. I do trust in that.
So I will humor myself and test in 9 days like my ob/gyn told me too. The good news / light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I called the specialist and they were able to schedule us for May 24th. I was happy and confident with this date because at that point we should know for sure whether this 2nd round of Clomid has worked. I was hoping it wouldn't come to seeking the help of a specialist (not that I feel above it, just wanted it to come the easy way). Of course, I was also hoping that it wouldn't come down to us having to start Clomid and we have for 2 rounds now. I guess I just need to learn to deal with it better.
I started my 2nd round of Clomid on April 23rd (which was CD5) and took it until the 27th (CD9). I started Prometrium on May 2nd (CD14). I have also been charting my temperatures since April 24th. This has just added to the confusion. My temp started around 97.05 then dropped to 96.5, then rose back up to the highest being 97.6. I have not had any other signs of ovulation - mucus or cramps, so I am thinking I have not ovulated this cycle or at least not yet. I am not really sure how to read the chart (for my temps), even though I have read up on it. I am currently on CD20 and have given up hope for this cycle.
We attended a friends' baby shower. It was actually for their 2nd child. While I am so happy for them, I can't help be a little pissed. This friend didn't even know if they wanted kids and now she gets blessed with 2! I know it is harsh for me to say that or even feel that way. She is a really good friend. Probably close to the best or most supportive friend I have, but it is still hard to swallow. I haven't even been able to bring myself to share this struggle of TTC with her, either. It's almost like a Jekyl / Hyde thing. I am so happy for them, yet so jealous, angry, pissed, etc that it is not me.
My friends have scheduled a few playdates / get togethers that I have just skipped because I just can't be around them. It is so difficult. They don't understand what I am going through. I know I haven't told them. I haven't shared it with them and they are not mind readers, but still I just feel like I don't belong with them and can't be around them. I have started withdrawing from a lot of public situations because it is so upsetting to see someone pregnant or with multiple children. I have tried to be OK with it and put my trust in God, but somedays it seems that it is thrown in my face. I have thought of talking to someone at our church about our secondary infertility and seeking counseling for it. But I just don't know how to start the conversation. The other night I just lied in bed next to DH crying. He doesn't know what to say and doesn't understand fully. He wants another child, but says if we can't have one of our own we will adopt. I know that I would love any child that we adopted and have always wanted to adopt, but didn't think I would be "forced to it". I guess I struggle with, why me? What did I do to deserve to not be able to have any more biological children? Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have DD. She is such a joy. She is what makes me go on. She is the light of my life. I enjoy her so much.
This struggle is obviously very personal and I have looked to the Bible for answers and have been praying to God for answers. If His answer is no, I pray that He gives me the courage and strength to cope with that. I do know that deep down His plan is what is best for me. I do trust in that.
So I will humor myself and test in 9 days like my ob/gyn told me too. The good news / light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I called the specialist and they were able to schedule us for May 24th. I was happy and confident with this date because at that point we should know for sure whether this 2nd round of Clomid has worked. I was hoping it wouldn't come to seeking the help of a specialist (not that I feel above it, just wanted it to come the easy way). Of course, I was also hoping that it wouldn't come down to us having to start Clomid and we have for 2 rounds now. I guess I just need to learn to deal with it better.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Possibilities
I am on CD25. I test in 4 days! I can't wait! I am trying not to get too anxious / excited about it, but I feel like maybe God has been preparing my heart for this cycle to be it. DH and I have been talking about IF and TTC pretty openly these days. We have talked about a possible due date if we were to get a BFP this cycle. We have also talked about the possibility of multiples since I am taking Clomid. At first, I was hoping and praying that when we do get pregnant, it would be with one healthy child. But now, I can say that I am open to what God has planned for us. Although, if His plan is for us not to have any more children, I will fight that kicking and screaming. But it is His will and I will ultimately be OK with that. Anyway, I have had several eye opening experiences lately concerning multiples, specifically twins. Our neighbor recently had twin girls and I have seen her outside with them, holding them both in her arms. It made me realize that it was possible to cuddle two babies at the same time. While my mom was in the hospital (just last week), I met a guy on the elevator whose wife just had twins. He was beaming from excitement! It almost made me cry. Then another day when we went to see the babies in the nursery (for the millionth time because that was DD's favorite thing to do), we met another person who had twin girls. At the end of the week, I was like "OK God are you trying to tell me something? Are you trying to prepare me for something? If you are, I am OK with the multiples (or at least twins) thing."
I hope I don't come across as ungrateful. I would be grateful for whatever God gives me / us. I think I was just afraid I couldn't handle it. I have a problem with asking people for help and don't want to get in over my head. I have a problem with having other people have to help me raise my children because I want to do it myself and on my own (with my DH of course). And my mom and God and our church.
DD has been asking about a sibling more often. Specifically a baby. My sister and her were telling me it was time to have a baby while we were at the hospital last week. I wanted to scream "It's not that easy! I wish it was. I wish I could have another baby." In the car one day, DD asked if we could have a baby. I told her that mommy and daddy were trying and that it was up to Jesus. She said "Jesus, can we have a baby?" Then she said "He said we could. Thank you Jesus." Maybe she knows something I don't. The faith of a child! I wish I had that faith all the time.
I know that I will be devasted if we get a BFN or AF comes, but I know that I will continue this journey to have another child until we can't go any further. Maybe if this isn't my cycle the next one will be.
I hope I don't come across as ungrateful. I would be grateful for whatever God gives me / us. I think I was just afraid I couldn't handle it. I have a problem with asking people for help and don't want to get in over my head. I have a problem with having other people have to help me raise my children because I want to do it myself and on my own (with my DH of course). And my mom and God and our church.
DD has been asking about a sibling more often. Specifically a baby. My sister and her were telling me it was time to have a baby while we were at the hospital last week. I wanted to scream "It's not that easy! I wish it was. I wish I could have another baby." In the car one day, DD asked if we could have a baby. I told her that mommy and daddy were trying and that it was up to Jesus. She said "Jesus, can we have a baby?" Then she said "He said we could. Thank you Jesus." Maybe she knows something I don't. The faith of a child! I wish I had that faith all the time.
I know that I will be devasted if we get a BFN or AF comes, but I know that I will continue this journey to have another child until we can't go any further. Maybe if this isn't my cycle the next one will be.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Last Clomid for this Cycle
I took my 5th Clomid pill / last Clomid pill for this cycle yesterday. I think my mood swings were pretty bad these 5 days. I am not sure if I can blame the Clomid or if the stress from TTC is getting to me. I am having such a hard time dealing with not being pregnant yet. It was so easy the first time to get pregnant. I just can't believe that we are experiencing this. I can't believe that any of us are experiencing this. We want to be mothers so badly. I just have to keep reminding myself that God is in charge. He will do what is right for us. He has blessed me beyond I deserve. He has given me a beautiful 3 year old daughter to love and I do love her so much. Every time I look at her, I think to myself, she is enough. If she is the only child God gives me, she is enough. I thank Him everyday for blessing me with her and thank Him for how amazing she is.
I keep thinking that this has to be the cycle. DH and I were texting about it last week. I texted him that if this was the cycle for us, our due date would be around December 19th. I thought he would think I was crazy thinking this far ahead, but he actually said it was something he had been thinking about too. We talked about the possibility of having a Christmas baby. It was so nice to talk about it. He is not much of a talker and I tend to keep this kind of stuff in. I have a huge problem talking about being infertile and not being pregnant yet. That is why I started this blog. I have to get this stuff out and it is easier for me to type it than to say the words. Thank you all for listening / reading and supporting me.
I keep thinking that this has to be the cycle. DH and I were texting about it last week. I texted him that if this was the cycle for us, our due date would be around December 19th. I thought he would think I was crazy thinking this far ahead, but he actually said it was something he had been thinking about too. We talked about the possibility of having a Christmas baby. It was so nice to talk about it. He is not much of a talker and I tend to keep this kind of stuff in. I have a huge problem talking about being infertile and not being pregnant yet. That is why I started this blog. I have to get this stuff out and it is easier for me to type it than to say the words. Thank you all for listening / reading and supporting me.
Friday, March 5, 2010
U/S
I started Prometrium on Saturday the 27th (since it was CD14). I am hoping this cycle will be it. Another thing I forgot to mention about my appointment with the ob/gyn was we discussed whether I was ovulating. I was thinking that I probably wasn't. She said the pains I am having could be ovulation. I also told her that I have had the cervical mucus (even cycles when I haven't had AF for over 40 days), she said I could very well have ovulated then too. Apparently you don't have to have AF to ovulate.
Thursday I had the u/s. I told the tech that I was still having the pains on my right side, but also my left side has been hurting (even more than the right) and the center of my abdomen has been sensitive / soar. She did 2 types of u/s. She showed me my ovaries, cysts, follicles, etc. She said that it's not common for women with PCOS to have pains (but I am not sure how much she really knows about PCOS because from what I have read, it is very possible).
The ob/gyn's office called with the results later that day. The u/s confirmed / was consistent with PCOS. There is no blockage or scar tissue. My ovaries are functioning, but with PCOS. Normal treatment for PCOS is to suppress the ovaries, but since we are TTC, we don't want to do that. She said the pain is just from the PCOS. She said the u/s showed tons of cysts (almost like an overactivity), but that is PCOS. The pain is from the PCOS and there isn't much they / I can do about it. She said to take Tylenol, keep hydrated and to make sure I am not constipated. She said that Metformin is a good drug to make the ovaries function. She wants me to keep them posted. I asked if she could tell from the u/s if I ovulated this month this I was on CD19 and she said that she couldn't tell. U/s isn't a good tool for that.
So, at least I have no blockages or scar tissue, but I have major pain a lot. Thankfully the pain doesn't last a long time, but it does happen frequently.
Thursday I had the u/s. I told the tech that I was still having the pains on my right side, but also my left side has been hurting (even more than the right) and the center of my abdomen has been sensitive / soar. She did 2 types of u/s. She showed me my ovaries, cysts, follicles, etc. She said that it's not common for women with PCOS to have pains (but I am not sure how much she really knows about PCOS because from what I have read, it is very possible).
The ob/gyn's office called with the results later that day. The u/s confirmed / was consistent with PCOS. There is no blockage or scar tissue. My ovaries are functioning, but with PCOS. Normal treatment for PCOS is to suppress the ovaries, but since we are TTC, we don't want to do that. She said the pain is just from the PCOS. She said the u/s showed tons of cysts (almost like an overactivity), but that is PCOS. The pain is from the PCOS and there isn't much they / I can do about it. She said to take Tylenol, keep hydrated and to make sure I am not constipated. She said that Metformin is a good drug to make the ovaries function. She wants me to keep them posted. I asked if she could tell from the u/s if I ovulated this month this I was on CD19 and she said that she couldn't tell. U/s isn't a good tool for that.
So, at least I have no blockages or scar tissue, but I have major pain a lot. Thankfully the pain doesn't last a long time, but it does happen frequently.
New Game Plan
Last week I attended an appointment with my ob/gyn. The nurse talked to me about the fact that I have several factors against me in regards to conceiving again - PCOS, hypothyroid, LPD, but that the most promising factor was that my body did it once. I have a beautiful 3 year old little girl. The ob/gyn reviewed how things have been going with me. I told her about my pains, especially on my right side. She ordered an u/s to rule out blockage and scar tissue. We talked about TTC and what our next move should be. Thankfully she understood that we mean business and want to get things rolling with having a baby. We don't want to play games or twiddle our thumbs. She laid out all the options - try Clomid (she only does 3 rounds then sends you to a fertility specialist), seek a fertility specialist, keep trying with Metformin and Prometrium. I asked her opinion because I truly respect it. She said she thinks we should go ahead and start Clomid, get an appointment with a fertility specialist schedule for the next few months, and of course get the u/s. She said the Clomid will be hard on me. It will make me feel like I am going through menopause. I told her that I already feel that way, as I have major mood swings and was having hot flashes. I actually asked her if she was just teasing me and I was truly going through menopause. She reassured me that I wasn't. She said Clomid will bring on all these symptoms, plus there is an increase in multiples. She said that she personally has never had anyone have multiples from it, but it is a risk. We are worried about that risk because twins run on both sides of our family. DH also asked if something could be wrong with his swimmers and so he is going to be tested. I thought that was such a great thing for him to ask and kind of took the "heat" off of me. I just thought that was very supportive. The nurse was great at reassuring us and DH about the sperm analysis. She told us her DH had to do that, too. I really appreciate my ob/gyn and the nurse sharing their experiences with us because it helps me to know I am not alone / we are not alone in the struggle. If I hadn't said this before, my ob/gyn also has PCOS. So our game plan is to take Clomid CD6-9, then Prometrium CD14-28, on CD 29 I will take a pregnancy test if AF hasn't visited, if BFN then I will continue the Prometrium until AF visits (or I get a BFP). We will do that for a few cycles, then if no BFP, we will meet with the specialist. Oh yeah, and DH will get his swimmers checked and I will get an u/s.
Friday, January 29, 2010
My History
On January 29th, I saw on Daily Strength, a question regarding Vitex. The replies from the post stated that these women had great success with it. I looked it up and thought I would give it a try. I went to the store and bought Vitex and progesterone cream. I started taking a cough decongestant on the 28th because I read that it can help with the cervical mucus. I also decided that I must have been delirious on the 28th when I thought I had a visit from AF. Of course I am delirious, 59 days without a period?
When I think about my history and my diagnosis of PCOS, I always wonder if I didn't cause it. I was on BCP for years that I only needed to have a visit from AF 4 times per year. I wonder if that could have tricked my body into only having AF every few months. But then when I read symptoms and information on PCOS and LPD, I have had those for years. I switched from ob/gyn to ob/gyn trying to find out what was wrong with me until I met my current ob/gyn in 2003. I always thought / knew something was wrong, but no doctor would listen to me. I was diagnosed in 1996 with a hypothyroid. Then depression some several years later. I had a laproscopy and hysterscopy in 2002. The ob/gyn punctured my uterus during these procedures. She thought I had endometriosis, but said I didn't after these procedures. I found my current ob/gyn in 2003 at a women's event. She asked me to give her a chance and I did. She didn't diagnose me with PCOS until last year, but she has always listened to me and taken my concerns seriously. When I first started seeing her, she found a BCP that worked for me and seemed to "cure" my symptoms. She is the doctor that recommended I go on BCP that I only need to have AF 4 times per year. My visits from AF were horrible, so I agreed. Things were fine. DH and I decided we would start TTC in June 2006. In March 2006, I stopped taking BCP and was pregnant in May 2006. We had a healthy, beautiful little girl in 2007. I did have GD during the pregnancy.
When I think about my history and my diagnosis of PCOS, I always wonder if I didn't cause it. I was on BCP for years that I only needed to have a visit from AF 4 times per year. I wonder if that could have tricked my body into only having AF every few months. But then when I read symptoms and information on PCOS and LPD, I have had those for years. I switched from ob/gyn to ob/gyn trying to find out what was wrong with me until I met my current ob/gyn in 2003. I always thought / knew something was wrong, but no doctor would listen to me. I was diagnosed in 1996 with a hypothyroid. Then depression some several years later. I had a laproscopy and hysterscopy in 2002. The ob/gyn punctured my uterus during these procedures. She thought I had endometriosis, but said I didn't after these procedures. I found my current ob/gyn in 2003 at a women's event. She asked me to give her a chance and I did. She didn't diagnose me with PCOS until last year, but she has always listened to me and taken my concerns seriously. When I first started seeing her, she found a BCP that worked for me and seemed to "cure" my symptoms. She is the doctor that recommended I go on BCP that I only need to have AF 4 times per year. My visits from AF were horrible, so I agreed. Things were fine. DH and I decided we would start TTC in June 2006. In March 2006, I stopped taking BCP and was pregnant in May 2006. We had a healthy, beautiful little girl in 2007. I did have GD during the pregnancy.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Scare and Follow Up
At the end of September, I had a scare. I started bleeding. It kind of freaked me out because the first thing I thought of was - miscarriage. I stopped bleeding the next night. I have never had that short of a period. The next day I called the ob/gyn's office. The nurse said that it was just because my lining was so thick and it's just thinning out.
I was hoping (and thinking good thoughts) that we would be pregnant in October. I felt that at that point we were both ready. This was only the first cycle we had been TTC. I said several prayers to God that month. DD had been asking for a baby sister or brother. She said she wants one. I think she would be a good big sister. She deserves to be a big sister. I think she is ready, too.
I saw the ob/gyn on October 27th. They did a pregnancy test on me and it was negative. She started me on Prometrium until I had a period. We thought I hadn't had a period for about 50 something days, but in actuality it was 30 days. She said any bleeding is a period, no matter how long it lasts. When I called the nurse in October, she told me it wasn't a period, so I didn't count the days correctly.
By November 10th, I still hadn't started my period so I called the ob/gyn's office.I had been taking Prometrium for 14 days. The nurse said I should start within 2 weeks. It was Day 45, I started on Day 48.
I started charting my temperature (with a regular digital thermometer) on November 19th. I tested ovulation using an ovulation kit (that is old) on the 22nd, but it said I wasn't ovulating. I haven't checked my temperature since the 25th because the thermometer I was using is off by 2 degrees. Plus I've read it is best to use a BBT.
I was hoping (and thinking good thoughts) that we would be pregnant in October. I felt that at that point we were both ready. This was only the first cycle we had been TTC. I said several prayers to God that month. DD had been asking for a baby sister or brother. She said she wants one. I think she would be a good big sister. She deserves to be a big sister. I think she is ready, too.
I saw the ob/gyn on October 27th. They did a pregnancy test on me and it was negative. She started me on Prometrium until I had a period. We thought I hadn't had a period for about 50 something days, but in actuality it was 30 days. She said any bleeding is a period, no matter how long it lasts. When I called the nurse in October, she told me it wasn't a period, so I didn't count the days correctly.
By November 10th, I still hadn't started my period so I called the ob/gyn's office.I had been taking Prometrium for 14 days. The nurse said I should start within 2 weeks. It was Day 45, I started on Day 48.
I started charting my temperature (with a regular digital thermometer) on November 19th. I tested ovulation using an ovulation kit (that is old) on the 22nd, but it said I wasn't ovulating. I haven't checked my temperature since the 25th because the thermometer I was using is off by 2 degrees. Plus I've read it is best to use a BBT.
Something Must Be In The Water
I can not believe all the people I know that just had a baby or that are pregnant. It is ridiculous. Here is the list (sorry to bore you):
1. S had a boy in April
2. CB had a boy in April
3. LS had a girl in April
4. EE had a girl in June
5. N had a girl in July
6. K had a boy in July
7. AB had a boy in October
8. A had a boy in November
9. K had a girl in November
10. EB had a girl in November
11. TG & MG had a boy in November
12. CE had a girl in December
13. J had a baby in December
14. BG & NG had a girl in December
15. D is due any day now
16. W is due this month
17. A is due in April
18. TL is due in March
19. TD is due in March
20. K is due in March with twins
21. SB is due with a girl soon
22. KB is due in a few months
23. LP & MP adopted a girl in April
24. GG & B are due in January
25. LN & TN are due in April
26. JP & AP are due in February
27. SS is due in April with twins
28. R & N are due soon
29. B is due in a few months
30. T & F are due in August
31. JB & EB are due in August
That is a hell of a lot of people and I am sure that I am forgetting about a few or will learn of more pregnant people in the next day or so. It seems like everyday I am hearing that someone is pregnant.
While I am super excited for everyone, I can't help but feel very jealous. With my recent diagnoses, I just worry that it will never be me, that I will never be pregnant again. It really bothered me when I would hear news of someone being pregnant when DH wasn't ready to start trying. I feel like we have been given a time limit on having kids. I am really worried about using fertility drugs or fertility treatments. First off, the cost and secondly, the possibility of multiple births just stresses me out. I have really been keeping my stress, worry, frustration and sadness about all of this to myself.
But will we be OK family wise? I want more children more than anything. I think DD would be an amazing big sister. I feel like she would be losing out on so much if we can't give her that opportunity. She deserves to be a big sister. She deserves to have brothers and sisters that look just like her or have similar features and that love and adore her (as she will them). I want to have more than 1 pregnancy and more than 1 biological child. I would like to have at least 4 children (not all at the same time). I want to have 3 more pregnancies and all end up in live births with healthy babies being the outcome.
You might wonder why I am afraid of miscarriage. With the LPD diagnosis, the biggest risk is that if I do / can get pregnant, that I will miscarry. I do not have enough progesterone in my body to be able to maintain a pregnancy. I am glad this was found out now and not after a miscarriage. I really hope that we don't have to know the pain that comes with miscarriage. I know EE, CB, and B know that pain. It must be so difficult and I do not want to have to go through that.
DH and I talked, well I cried, one evening after leaving a friend's house. I love being around my friends, but it is really tough when they are almost all pregnant or recently given birth. That is when we decided to start TTC. It was August 29th.
We are not TTC because of all of our friends, but because he is finally ready. Before it was him holding us back. He stresses about finances too much. I think of finances too, but know that things will get better. God will provide. I am trying to find more kids to babysit. He will graduate in 2011 and get a better job (if not before). We will be OK. If we have to, we can / will sell the house. We could stop the 401K and defer my school loans. The credit cards will be paid off at the end of 2010. We will be OK financially. The other thing holding us back from TTC was issues with his family that affected our marriage.
I did have mixed emotions about getting pregnant because of the way things are with DH's family. I talked about this with E. DH and I have a strong marriage - that has been proven. We can't let them dictate or decide when we will continue or add on to our family. Problems with them could very well always exist (as long as they are around and in our lives).
1. S had a boy in April
2. CB had a boy in April
3. LS had a girl in April
4. EE had a girl in June
5. N had a girl in July
6. K had a boy in July
7. AB had a boy in October
8. A had a boy in November
9. K had a girl in November
10. EB had a girl in November
11. TG & MG had a boy in November
12. CE had a girl in December
13. J had a baby in December
14. BG & NG had a girl in December
15. D is due any day now
16. W is due this month
17. A is due in April
18. TL is due in March
19. TD is due in March
20. K is due in March with twins
21. SB is due with a girl soon
22. KB is due in a few months
23. LP & MP adopted a girl in April
24. GG & B are due in January
25. LN & TN are due in April
26. JP & AP are due in February
27. SS is due in April with twins
28. R & N are due soon
29. B is due in a few months
30. T & F are due in August
31. JB & EB are due in August
That is a hell of a lot of people and I am sure that I am forgetting about a few or will learn of more pregnant people in the next day or so. It seems like everyday I am hearing that someone is pregnant.
While I am super excited for everyone, I can't help but feel very jealous. With my recent diagnoses, I just worry that it will never be me, that I will never be pregnant again. It really bothered me when I would hear news of someone being pregnant when DH wasn't ready to start trying. I feel like we have been given a time limit on having kids. I am really worried about using fertility drugs or fertility treatments. First off, the cost and secondly, the possibility of multiple births just stresses me out. I have really been keeping my stress, worry, frustration and sadness about all of this to myself.
But will we be OK family wise? I want more children more than anything. I think DD would be an amazing big sister. I feel like she would be losing out on so much if we can't give her that opportunity. She deserves to be a big sister. She deserves to have brothers and sisters that look just like her or have similar features and that love and adore her (as she will them). I want to have more than 1 pregnancy and more than 1 biological child. I would like to have at least 4 children (not all at the same time). I want to have 3 more pregnancies and all end up in live births with healthy babies being the outcome.
You might wonder why I am afraid of miscarriage. With the LPD diagnosis, the biggest risk is that if I do / can get pregnant, that I will miscarry. I do not have enough progesterone in my body to be able to maintain a pregnancy. I am glad this was found out now and not after a miscarriage. I really hope that we don't have to know the pain that comes with miscarriage. I know EE, CB, and B know that pain. It must be so difficult and I do not want to have to go through that.
DH and I talked, well I cried, one evening after leaving a friend's house. I love being around my friends, but it is really tough when they are almost all pregnant or recently given birth. That is when we decided to start TTC. It was August 29th.
We are not TTC because of all of our friends, but because he is finally ready. Before it was him holding us back. He stresses about finances too much. I think of finances too, but know that things will get better. God will provide. I am trying to find more kids to babysit. He will graduate in 2011 and get a better job (if not before). We will be OK. If we have to, we can / will sell the house. We could stop the 401K and defer my school loans. The credit cards will be paid off at the end of 2010. We will be OK financially. The other thing holding us back from TTC was issues with his family that affected our marriage.
I did have mixed emotions about getting pregnant because of the way things are with DH's family. I talked about this with E. DH and I have a strong marriage - that has been proven. We can't let them dictate or decide when we will continue or add on to our family. Problems with them could very well always exist (as long as they are around and in our lives).
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