Leap of Faith

Today is CD35 and I will probably do another test.  Yes, that means I tested on the 17th (CD29 as the ob/gyn requested) and I got a BFN and have not had a visit from AF.  Last cycle, AF didn't come until CD36, though.  However, CD36 is the day we have our fertility appointment.  After I received the BFN on May 17th, I told myself I was done with taking tests for a while.  I was tired of seeing BFNs with every test.  It was such a slap in the face, such a heart break, such a let down.  I felt like my heart couldn't see another BFN.  I couldn't put myself through that again.  It's always such a loss.  A loss for something that never existed.  I have to go through the grieving process with every BFN - denial (somethings wrong with the test, it can't be negative), anger (why God? why me?), bargaining (please God, please), depression (crying in my bed for that morning or sometimes most of the day) and finally acceptance (as much as 1 can accept not being pregnant yet again).  Somedays I feel like my infertility gets the best of me, like it is going to be the death of me.  Other days I feel like I have really given the burden to Jesus and laid it at His feet.  Those are the days that I can be with friends who have 2+ kids and / or are pregnant (again).  Those are days that I can look at babies and just realize what a blessing they are.  Don't get me wrong, I always feel that babies /children are a blessing from God, but when I am having a day when my infertility is going to be the end of me, I become very angry, jealous, hurt, vulnerable, etc.  I don't want to see a pregnant woman, a mom with children (especially more than 1) or any babies for that matter.  Those are glimpses of what I can't have and it's hard to swallow. 

Why put myself through another test later on today?  Well because DH thinks I am pregnant, just like he has several times before (but of course I haven't been).  But also because I have not been obsessed with taking tests.  Typically, I take a test every other day until AF starts (starting on CD29).  Yeah, I go through a lot of tests each month.  I get them from the $1 Store and they are supposed to be good ones.  I have not wanted to do that (test every other day).  I have actually been pretty calm and not anxious about it.  I have had a headache on and off for about a week.  The last 3 days, I have not been able to get rid of the headache.  I have also been feeling very nauseous and having lots of food aversions.  I remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with DD.  Maybe it's hopeful thinking, but I think it's worth a shot.  I would hate to go to the fertility appointment on Monday and find out I am pregnant.  I don't even know if our insurance covers this appointment and haven't called to find out because well I don't want to know.  Because if it doesn't, I don't care.  We will go into debt, we will do whatever it takes to have more children, or at least I will (and I am pretty sure DH is on board with that). 

Another thing that has helped me started feeling more positive is my faith in God.  I remember when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother.  A mother with a lot of children.  Playing with my dolls was my favorite thing to do.  I really feel that early on God promised that I would be a mother to many children. I hope that means many children of our own and not in some in-direct way.  I have always felt that I was born to be a mother (not that I am perfect, by any means).  This is not to negate the fact that I am a mother to a beautliful little girl.  I love her more than life.  I love her more than anything and I am so blessed to have her.  Thank You God for allowing me to be her mother.  I don't know what I did to deserve her, but thank You!  I also feel that she was made to be a big sister.  She would make the most amazing sister to lots of brothers and sisters.  I feel that God has made her that way for a purpose. 

I took a big step.  Just the other night I sent a prayer request into my church prayer team asking for prayers in regards to our struggle with infertility.  This was a huge step for me because I have not known how to ask for this.  God gave me the strength to just do it and reach out.  To ask for prayer.  When I checked my email last night I received an email from one of the pastors at our church saying that he would be praying for us and support us in anyway he could.  Tears came to my eyes when I read the email.  I thanked God for this email and for this support.  It was as if a little of the burden (or maybe shame) had been lifted.  In fact I am crying now because it is so emotional and so private.  As much as I hate this burden, I am so happy to have another person supporting us and praying for us during this very difficult time.  The only people I have shared this burden / struggle / shame with (besides DH and praying to God) is you all and now to our church prayer team. I guess I took a leap of faith.

Sock It To Me: Winter 2010

I joined Sock It To Me, an awesome sock exchange that Kymberli at I'm A Smart One started.  The SITM: Winter 2010 Exchange is my first one ever.  Here is what Kymberli has to say about this cool exchange:

It's The Great Sock-It-to-Me Exchange. The warmth you feel from your bloggy support is a warm and fuzzy pair of snuggly socks. Take the support with you for a trip to the stirrups. Wear them when you're chasing around your battle-won little person. Put them on when you have something to celebrate or when you need a hug. Wear them as a physical reminder of all the people inside your computer who you know care for and are thinking of you.

Here's one of the "rules":
The week of Sock It to Me Week. Post a picture of your socks (worn or not worn) with a link back to the blogger who sent them to you. The topic of the SITM posts will change each time.* For SITM Winter 2010, reflect on ways which the community supported you in 2009 (or if you're new to blogging, ways in which you needed support in 2009) and also look ahead to how you'll give and continue to receive support in 2010. SITM is a week for warm and fuzzies. Like ummm...the socks.

I had the pleasure of sending a pair of socks to Kymberli and from that I have really gotten to know her.  I really appreciate the support she has shown me since joining this exchange. 

I received a pack of 3 socks from Renee.  I am not including a link to her blog because she is not a blogger.  I actually sent Kymberli an email to ask her who sent me the socks because Renee kept it a secret when she sent the package. 


The ones in the second picture are the pair I wore to my u/s this week.  It was really helpful to wear them because every time (even throughout the rest of the day) I looked at them I felt supported.

I am not new to the blogging world.  I actually have 4 blogs.  This blog is new.  I am newly (as of July 2009) diagnosed with PCOS and LPD (in August 2009).  I really felt I needed a place to share that part of my life.  Not many people know of my diagnoses or that we are TTC.  I know to some that may sound silly, but the important people know about it (my DH, my mom, some of my family and friends - know about the diagnoses).  I am not comfortable sharing this information with everyone because there are some really unsupportive people in our lives (and would use the information against us / me in anyway they could).  I have not shared with anyone, outside of you all that read this blog (and of course my DH) that we are TTC.  I just am not ready to share that struggle with anyone except you all.  It's just too painful.  Since my diagnoses, I have felt very unsupported (which is why I needed to start a blog just for that part of my life).  My DH, mom and friends don't understand it.  They know of it, but don't know how to support me with it.  I have tried explaining things to them, but they just don't get it.  My DH is coming around and has told me he is scared.  He is afraid of this and what it has done to me and to the possibility of future children. 

I really just need a soft place to fall.  A place to be accepted and not judged.  A place to be able to put it all out there and still be loved.  I really need people to genuinely care about me and what is going on in my life.  I wish I had family and friends that would offer help and support with my DD or with the house or with just lending an ear or with just crying with me over everything or just getting mad as hell with me about things. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, not one bit. 

I am so glad for the women that I have met since starting this blog and joining some online PCOS support groups. I appreciate their support and continue to need it.  I will continue to provide support and try my hardest to make it a priority everyday to check it on my girls.  I hope that all of our efforts of TTC will be fulfilled this year.