Wednesday I woke up with a horrible back ache. It ached all day. I went to the ARS' office for the postcoital test. I guess I have been in the office enough, I didn't even have to check in. As soon as I walked in the door, the receptionist waved to me. They were running late, about 30 minutes. This was the first time I have ever had to wait. It was no big deal. Things / emergencies, non-emergencies come up. The doctor was actually not in. He was in Portland and then heading to San Diego for a conference. After the nurse called my name and took me to the exam room and after undressing from the waist down, while I was sitting on the table, I noticed a very long pair of scissors on the exam table. Actually I wasn't sure at that point if they were scissors or what they were. They looked like scissors and I was kind of starting to freak out. I almost took a picture of the instrument, but didn't want the nurse to walk in and see me bare butt taking a picture of this instrument. The nurse came in and we started talking about the instrument. She said that they probably shouldn't have put it out on the exam table first because it might have freaked me out. I told her that I was a little scared of it. She said that the exam would feel similar to a pap smear. She said that she would stick the scissor-like instrument up me to get samples (4 of them) of my CM. It didn't really hurt per say, but was uncomfortable and definitely lasted longer than a pap smear (at least any I have ever had). She said that I had plenty of CM, which was good because sometimes when women take Clomid it messes / depletes their CM. She took the 4 slides in to look at. When she came back, I could tell that the news wasn't the best. She said that my CM looks good, but there aren't as many sperm as they like to see swimming around. She said they like to see 5-10 and only saw maybe 2-3. The nurse said that at this point we could do 2 things: 1) could do IUI the next day and then continue with the plan or 2) continue with the plan. She explained what IUI was - DH collects his sample in a container at home no more than an hour before my appointment. I bring the sample to the office and they clean and select the "perfect" sperm which takes 45-50 minutes then they use a catheter to insert the sperm into me. She said that this procedure costs $250. She said normally for an IUI cycle, they would do it 2 times per each cycle, but since I had the postcoital test this cycle, we could only do it 1 time. She said that there is a possibility (small) that I could get pregnant with the 2-3 sperm that are there and that it was up to us. She said if I thought DH and I would be at all interested to go ahead and schedule it and that I could always cancel it. DH said that we should go through with it. So in a little over 6 hours, he will collect a sample and then I will take it to the ARS' office and the IUI procedure will be started.
I have to say when the nurse said that there wasn't enough sperm in the CM, I had mixed feelings. Part of me was like what, I can't believe that about my man. Then I was almost relieved that this wasn't all my "fault". Then I was kind of scared and unsure of what to do / think next. DH said after I told him the news, he felt depressed at first. He said that he started thinking "It's because I'm overweight." "It's because I drink too much diet coke." "It's because of the underwear I wore growing up." Then he said that he told himself "Why should I do this to myself, I didn't think this way about DW when we thought it was issues with her?" I told him that he has a glimpse of what I feel like every day. Now he knows (kind of) what I feel like and how I feel. The truth is it is not my fault or his fault. I don't know why my body won't ovulate (regularly) on it's own and why he had low sperm count / numbers in the CM. I don't know if we will ever know. Maybe it is something that we did or are doing, but maybe it isn't. Maybe that's just the way it is and no matter what we did or do, it will still be the same. I know that God is preparing our hearts for a 2nd child. When we are ready He will bless us with that wonderful gift. It's on His terms and time table. All we can do is pray to Him and keep loving each other. We definitely can't blame each other or ourselves.
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
That's Your Baby Maker and Ovidrel Injection
I used the OPK on Sunday and Monday and had no surge, so I called the ARS' office to schedule an u/s. I was a little (OK, quite) disheartened that I hadn't received a surge. I went to the u/s yesterday, which was CD16, and got great news! While the tech was doing the vaginal u/s, she first checked my lining. She said that it was looking good and was at a 10. She said they like it to be 8 and above. She then checked my uterus and checked for any fluid (which could have been left over indicating we missed my ovulation). Thankfully there was no fluid. She viewed my right ovary and found a lot of small follicles. Then viewed my left ovary and found the Baby Maker (as she referred to it). She measured the biggest follicle and it was at 21 1/2! Anything 18 and above is good. I was so happy and excited when she told me how big it was. She said that one is going to be your Baby Maker. You can get dressed and go up to the front. As I got off the u/s table and started to get dressed, I got so anxious, excited, happy, emotional, nervous, scared, etc that I started to cry. I got a hold of myself, but was shaking a little. I was so scared going into that appointment that things weren't going to progress. I was feeling something going on inside, but didn't know what. I guess I was feeling my body getting ready to ovulate! I saw the nurse and she said that basically now they give me the Ovidrel injection, DH and I should get together that night or the next morning, come in on Wednesday for a post coital test, post ovulation u/s on Friday and progesterone b/w next Tuesday. She gave me the Ovidrel injection in my right upper arm. It stung a bit. Needles are just unpleasant going into the body (at least for me). I scheduled my appointments and left.
Later, I was thinking that no matter what happens I thank God for getting me this far. Knowing that my body (with the help of medication) has gotten to this point is somewhat of a relief to me. Don't get me wrong, my ultimate joy will be when I hear those beautiful words: "you're pregnant!" and then of course when we hear our beautiful baby make his/her first cries / sounds!
I am pretty nervous about the post coital test this afternoon. I hope that everything is good and doing what they are supposed to be doing. As stupid as this may sound, I just want to know when the ARS / nurse / u/s tech can tell us if we are pregnant. I am not sure how much longer we have to wait to find out. Then I think about twins / multiples. Twins run in both of our families. In my family both of my parents have twins in their family. Then the Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel run the "risk" of multiples. So does all of that multiply our chances of having multiples?!? First I think, well I only have one follicle that is big enough to produce a mature egg, but then I am reminded that the egg can split to form twins, too.
If you can't tell, I am a very impatient person. I try to be more patient. I try to be patient and listen to what God is trying to tell me or teach me during the waiting, but it's hard for me. I feel like I have been patient long enough. Yes, I understand that to some people TTC for 8 or 9 months is not very long. I know that many have been trying for years and years. I can't imagine that. I don't know what I would do or will do if that is how long our journey is. I know that things are in God's hands. I have to put my trust in Him and know that His plan is what is best for me.
If you have a chance to say a little prayer for me and that the tests in the upcoming days all come up good and we get a positive result soon, I would really appreciate it.
Later, I was thinking that no matter what happens I thank God for getting me this far. Knowing that my body (with the help of medication) has gotten to this point is somewhat of a relief to me. Don't get me wrong, my ultimate joy will be when I hear those beautiful words: "you're pregnant!" and then of course when we hear our beautiful baby make his/her first cries / sounds!
I am pretty nervous about the post coital test this afternoon. I hope that everything is good and doing what they are supposed to be doing. As stupid as this may sound, I just want to know when the ARS / nurse / u/s tech can tell us if we are pregnant. I am not sure how much longer we have to wait to find out. Then I think about twins / multiples. Twins run in both of our families. In my family both of my parents have twins in their family. Then the Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel run the "risk" of multiples. So does all of that multiply our chances of having multiples?!? First I think, well I only have one follicle that is big enough to produce a mature egg, but then I am reminded that the egg can split to form twins, too.
If you can't tell, I am a very impatient person. I try to be more patient. I try to be patient and listen to what God is trying to tell me or teach me during the waiting, but it's hard for me. I feel like I have been patient long enough. Yes, I understand that to some people TTC for 8 or 9 months is not very long. I know that many have been trying for years and years. I can't imagine that. I don't know what I would do or will do if that is how long our journey is. I know that things are in God's hands. I have to put my trust in Him and know that His plan is what is best for me.
If you have a chance to say a little prayer for me and that the tests in the upcoming days all come up good and we get a positive result soon, I would really appreciate it.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
CD13 Ultrasound and Gonal F Injection
The (mail order) pharmacy that the ARS's office uses is great. They have called me several times - 1st to confirm the script, date I needed it and get insurance and payment info, 2nd to see if I received the med and 3rd to make sure the order was correct. And best of all the Ovidrel injection came the day it was supposed to and it was correct.
The OPKs were negative for a surge on the 3rd and 4th (CD11 and CD12). I went in for my appointment on the 5th. The u/s showed 2 follicles on my left ovary and 1 on my right ovary. There was only 1 on my left that measured enough to be able to use. The tech said it was at a 14 and they like to see it at 18. She said it would probably get there in a couple of days. Then I had an appointment with the nurse. She said for me to continue doing the OPKs the next few days. If I get a surge I am to inject myself with the Ovidrel. If I do not show a surge by the 7th, I need to call them to schedule an u/s for the 8th (so they can see what happened). She gave me an injection of Gonal F, which she said would give me a boost. She also showed me how to give myself the Ovidrel injection when she was doing the Gonal F injection. It burned when she was injecting me and even after it was injected. She said that was normal and hopefully it wasn't / wouldn't be too uncomfortable. She said if she was a betting woman, she would bet that I would have a surge by Monday. Here's hoping so!
The OPK for later that day was negative for a surge. The Gonal F injection site stopped burning, but is a little sore at times.
I do worry about the medications (Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel) and the effect(s) they will have on my body in the long run. I guess and hope that they are safe and don't / won't cause any kind of problems or disease. I haven't done much, if any, research on the meds because I don't want to know. I want another child. I don't want DD to be an only child. DD wants a sibling. So at this point, I want to be ignorant of the side effects, short term and long term. I trust the ARS and God and that's all I can do at this point. I don't need any more stress.
The OPKs were negative for a surge on the 3rd and 4th (CD11 and CD12). I went in for my appointment on the 5th. The u/s showed 2 follicles on my left ovary and 1 on my right ovary. There was only 1 on my left that measured enough to be able to use. The tech said it was at a 14 and they like to see it at 18. She said it would probably get there in a couple of days. Then I had an appointment with the nurse. She said for me to continue doing the OPKs the next few days. If I get a surge I am to inject myself with the Ovidrel. If I do not show a surge by the 7th, I need to call them to schedule an u/s for the 8th (so they can see what happened). She gave me an injection of Gonal F, which she said would give me a boost. She also showed me how to give myself the Ovidrel injection when she was doing the Gonal F injection. It burned when she was injecting me and even after it was injected. She said that was normal and hopefully it wasn't / wouldn't be too uncomfortable. She said if she was a betting woman, she would bet that I would have a surge by Monday. Here's hoping so!
The OPK for later that day was negative for a surge. The Gonal F injection site stopped burning, but is a little sore at times.
I do worry about the medications (Clomid, Gonal F and Ovidrel) and the effect(s) they will have on my body in the long run. I guess and hope that they are safe and don't / won't cause any kind of problems or disease. I haven't done much, if any, research on the meds because I don't want to know. I want another child. I don't want DD to be an only child. DD wants a sibling. So at this point, I want to be ignorant of the side effects, short term and long term. I trust the ARS and God and that's all I can do at this point. I don't need any more stress.
CD3 ARS Appointment
Wednesday the 26th I went to the ARS for an u/s, exam and b/w. The ultrasound tech did a regular u/s and a vaginal u/s. She showed me the follicles in my ovaries. She said that on the screen they looked like a chocolate chip cookie. The ovaries being the cookie and the follicles being the chocolate chips. Once she said that, it really did!. After the u/s, I went to an exam room where the nurse had me get undressed and I waited for her and the ARS to come in. The ARS said he had good news: my uterus looked good and I have a lot of eggs (which could be because of the PCOS but it is probably more a sign of my fertility). Basically he said we just need to try to control my ovulation or see if we can control it. He did tell me that I have a fibroid. He said it was very tiny and that they don't typically do anything for ones that tiny. They will watch it to make sure it doesn't grow / get very big. Since my period was different this month (much lighter and at that point almost non-existent), he ordered an HCG to make sure that I was not pregnant. he said if I was it would probably not take and we would have to wait for the numbers to drop. He did an exam, taking samples in case we have to do IVF (and there might have been other reasons that I don't remember). The nurse gave me a calendar for May and June that showed our plan outlined. Basically I took Clomid CD3-CD7 (5 nights). Then I started using an OPK on the 3rd (which was CD11) and was scheduled to come back to the office for another u/s on the 5th (CD13). If the OPK showed a surge before my u/s, I was to call the office. The nurse faxed a prescription for Ovidrel (an injection that I received through the mail). I was told to bring the Ovidrel with me to my u/s on the 5th, if I had not had a surge before then. Basically, when I have a surge, I take the Ovidrel. The nurse said she didn't expect me to have a surge before the 5th, but I needed to test just in case. She said to plan on coming back into the office for a postcoital test the 7th-9th. Basically after I get the surge, I do the shot of Ovidrel, then we do the BD and come in to have my CM and the sperm checked.
The Clomid (still the same dose) this time, seemed to make me very angry and on edge. I barked and snapped at DH and DD several times. Actually I don't know if it's the Clomid or the stress from being infertile and not being pregnant yet. It's easier to blame the Clomid though.
The Clomid (still the same dose) this time, seemed to make me very angry and on edge. I barked and snapped at DH and DD several times. Actually I don't know if it's the Clomid or the stress from being infertile and not being pregnant yet. It's easier to blame the Clomid though.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
First Visit to the ARS
Sunday I took another test. Why do I put myself through such trama? Of course I got a BFN! Later that evening, I was preparing for my appointment on Monday with the specialist and entering my BBT in my chart at Fertility Friend. I got another glimmer of hope. From my chart, it stated that I was only 11 DPO and it was still too early for me to test. I had several signs that indicated pregnancy. I gained some hope back, but then lost the hope on Monday morning. I didn't even have to get out of bed, I knew the feelings - the cramps, the headache, the wetness. AF roared her ugly head! So, CD36 turned into CD1, just like last cycle. At least that has become consistent. DH, DD and I attended the appointment with the Advanced Reproductive Specialist (ARS). I was a little worried about taking DD to the appointment because I didn't want to upset other women who might be at the appointment. I didn't want to seem like I was rubbing her in anyone's face. I was quickly reassured about her being there by the office staff. They were all talking about her - how smart, creative, talkative, etc she is. It really helped to put me at ease. We first met with a nurse (Janna) in one of the rooms. She took my BP which was good. She weighed me (which I had lost a few pounds - yeah). She went over my paperwork, making sure she understood our situation. She went over my medication and talked to DH about his health and medication. She told me that I should stop taking the Valerian Root and Melatonin because herbal supplements can contain hormones and this could affect my fertility. She gave me a hand-out to read while we were waiting for the ARS. We didn't wait long before we were told to go into his office. He first started out asking us what questions we may have. I talked to him about taking Calcium with Vitamin D supplements. He said that he would recommend me to not take those, since I take a prenatal vitamin. He said too much could cause problems with fertility, birth defects, and be toxic to my body. He said that he felt I was not ovulating or at least not ovulating regularly. He talked to us about what he recommended in our situation. He said that since we live close by, it would be best for me to come by on CD3 to have an u/s to check my uterus and tubes. At that appointment I would also be given a physical exam and have b/w drawn. At the end of that appointment he said I would get a calendar with written instructions on what was going to happen next. He said he did not want me to start taking Prometrium on CD14 like I have been because this could be hindering my ovulation. He said that if my body was about to ovulate, it could stop it and push it back further. He doesn't want me taking it until I have ovulated. He also said that we will use Clomid to help with ovulating and that he would not increase the dose. He likes to keep the dose as low as possible, but would add other drugs if need be to help me ovulate. He gave us hope that we would be pregnant in 3-4 cycles. Obviously, he can not promise that and did share the statistics (which aren't that great), but said that since we were able to conceive before and have a healthy child it's like "money in the bank". He said another thing they will check is my CM. This is done by a postcoital test. This test will also help them figure out if DH should go ahead with the sperm analysis. He was so nice to DD and was talking to the nurses / office staff about her. They all reassured us that DD was welcome at the appointments and he even said that DD would become great friends with the girls (meaning his nurses and office staff).
I am excited about this plan. I think that he is covering all the basis and is willing to change this as we go, according to how my body is responding. DH and I are very comfortable with the plan and agree with it. It is also scary, but I am trying not to let myself think about the what ifs or anything negative.
DH kind of mentioned to my mom that we are seeing a fertility specialist. We talked about it before he mentioned it to her. He asked why I haven't told her. I told him that I just didn't like talking about it. It's nothing against my mom. I tell her lots of things, but I just have such a hard time talking about this struggle. Hence the reason I need this blog. I know that I need to talk about this struggle. I can't keep it all in, but it is so hard for me to do that. I don't know if it is admitting it, or if I am afraid of the reaction, or showing too much emotion, or being too vulnerable. I'm not sure. Maybe it is a combination of all of that. I don't want people feeling sorry for me or pitying me. I would, however, love to have someone (or many) walk alongside me (us) as we struggle with this. I know in order for that to happen I need to open up about this, but it's hard. I pray about it and have opened up a bit. I sent a prayer request to our church prayer team and asked to be prayed for at the Global Day of Prayer.
I am excited about this plan. I think that he is covering all the basis and is willing to change this as we go, according to how my body is responding. DH and I are very comfortable with the plan and agree with it. It is also scary, but I am trying not to let myself think about the what ifs or anything negative.
DH kind of mentioned to my mom that we are seeing a fertility specialist. We talked about it before he mentioned it to her. He asked why I haven't told her. I told him that I just didn't like talking about it. It's nothing against my mom. I tell her lots of things, but I just have such a hard time talking about this struggle. Hence the reason I need this blog. I know that I need to talk about this struggle. I can't keep it all in, but it is so hard for me to do that. I don't know if it is admitting it, or if I am afraid of the reaction, or showing too much emotion, or being too vulnerable. I'm not sure. Maybe it is a combination of all of that. I don't want people feeling sorry for me or pitying me. I would, however, love to have someone (or many) walk alongside me (us) as we struggle with this. I know in order for that to happen I need to open up about this, but it's hard. I pray about it and have opened up a bit. I sent a prayer request to our church prayer team and asked to be prayed for at the Global Day of Prayer.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Leap of Faith
Today is CD35 and I will probably do another test. Yes, that means I tested on the 17th (CD29 as the ob/gyn requested) and I got a BFN and have not had a visit from AF. Last cycle, AF didn't come until CD36, though. However, CD36 is the day we have our fertility appointment. After I received the BFN on May 17th, I told myself I was done with taking tests for a while. I was tired of seeing BFNs with every test. It was such a slap in the face, such a heart break, such a let down. I felt like my heart couldn't see another BFN. I couldn't put myself through that again. It's always such a loss. A loss for something that never existed. I have to go through the grieving process with every BFN - denial (somethings wrong with the test, it can't be negative), anger (why God? why me?), bargaining (please God, please), depression (crying in my bed for that morning or sometimes most of the day) and finally acceptance (as much as 1 can accept not being pregnant yet again). Somedays I feel like my infertility gets the best of me, like it is going to be the death of me. Other days I feel like I have really given the burden to Jesus and laid it at His feet. Those are the days that I can be with friends who have 2+ kids and / or are pregnant (again). Those are days that I can look at babies and just realize what a blessing they are. Don't get me wrong, I always feel that babies /children are a blessing from God, but when I am having a day when my infertility is going to be the end of me, I become very angry, jealous, hurt, vulnerable, etc. I don't want to see a pregnant woman, a mom with children (especially more than 1) or any babies for that matter. Those are glimpses of what I can't have and it's hard to swallow.
Why put myself through another test later on today? Well because DH thinks I am pregnant, just like he has several times before (but of course I haven't been). But also because I have not been obsessed with taking tests. Typically, I take a test every other day until AF starts (starting on CD29). Yeah, I go through a lot of tests each month. I get them from the $1 Store and they are supposed to be good ones. I have not wanted to do that (test every other day). I have actually been pretty calm and not anxious about it. I have had a headache on and off for about a week. The last 3 days, I have not been able to get rid of the headache. I have also been feeling very nauseous and having lots of food aversions. I remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with DD. Maybe it's hopeful thinking, but I think it's worth a shot. I would hate to go to the fertility appointment on Monday and find out I am pregnant. I don't even know if our insurance covers this appointment and haven't called to find out because well I don't want to know. Because if it doesn't, I don't care. We will go into debt, we will do whatever it takes to have more children, or at least I will (and I am pretty sure DH is on board with that).
Another thing that has helped me started feeling more positive is my faith in God. I remember when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. A mother with a lot of children. Playing with my dolls was my favorite thing to do. I really feel that early on God promised that I would be a mother to many children. I hope that means many children of our own and not in some in-direct way. I have always felt that I was born to be a mother (not that I am perfect, by any means). This is not to negate the fact that I am a mother to a beautliful little girl. I love her more than life. I love her more than anything and I am so blessed to have her. Thank You God for allowing me to be her mother. I don't know what I did to deserve her, but thank You! I also feel that she was made to be a big sister. She would make the most amazing sister to lots of brothers and sisters. I feel that God has made her that way for a purpose.
I took a big step. Just the other night I sent a prayer request into my church prayer team asking for prayers in regards to our struggle with infertility. This was a huge step for me because I have not known how to ask for this. God gave me the strength to just do it and reach out. To ask for prayer. When I checked my email last night I received an email from one of the pastors at our church saying that he would be praying for us and support us in anyway he could. Tears came to my eyes when I read the email. I thanked God for this email and for this support. It was as if a little of the burden (or maybe shame) had been lifted. In fact I am crying now because it is so emotional and so private. As much as I hate this burden, I am so happy to have another person supporting us and praying for us during this very difficult time. The only people I have shared this burden / struggle / shame with (besides DH and praying to God) is you all and now to our church prayer team. I guess I took a leap of faith.
Why put myself through another test later on today? Well because DH thinks I am pregnant, just like he has several times before (but of course I haven't been). But also because I have not been obsessed with taking tests. Typically, I take a test every other day until AF starts (starting on CD29). Yeah, I go through a lot of tests each month. I get them from the $1 Store and they are supposed to be good ones. I have not wanted to do that (test every other day). I have actually been pretty calm and not anxious about it. I have had a headache on and off for about a week. The last 3 days, I have not been able to get rid of the headache. I have also been feeling very nauseous and having lots of food aversions. I remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with DD. Maybe it's hopeful thinking, but I think it's worth a shot. I would hate to go to the fertility appointment on Monday and find out I am pregnant. I don't even know if our insurance covers this appointment and haven't called to find out because well I don't want to know. Because if it doesn't, I don't care. We will go into debt, we will do whatever it takes to have more children, or at least I will (and I am pretty sure DH is on board with that).
Another thing that has helped me started feeling more positive is my faith in God. I remember when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. A mother with a lot of children. Playing with my dolls was my favorite thing to do. I really feel that early on God promised that I would be a mother to many children. I hope that means many children of our own and not in some in-direct way. I have always felt that I was born to be a mother (not that I am perfect, by any means). This is not to negate the fact that I am a mother to a beautliful little girl. I love her more than life. I love her more than anything and I am so blessed to have her. Thank You God for allowing me to be her mother. I don't know what I did to deserve her, but thank You! I also feel that she was made to be a big sister. She would make the most amazing sister to lots of brothers and sisters. I feel that God has made her that way for a purpose.
I took a big step. Just the other night I sent a prayer request into my church prayer team asking for prayers in regards to our struggle with infertility. This was a huge step for me because I have not known how to ask for this. God gave me the strength to just do it and reach out. To ask for prayer. When I checked my email last night I received an email from one of the pastors at our church saying that he would be praying for us and support us in anyway he could. Tears came to my eyes when I read the email. I thanked God for this email and for this support. It was as if a little of the burden (or maybe shame) had been lifted. In fact I am crying now because it is so emotional and so private. As much as I hate this burden, I am so happy to have another person supporting us and praying for us during this very difficult time. The only people I have shared this burden / struggle / shame with (besides DH and praying to God) is you all and now to our church prayer team. I guess I took a leap of faith.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Not the One
Last cycle was not the cycle for us. I test on April 12th, 14th and 17th and received a BFN every time. AF came and CD36 became CD1. It is getting harder and harder for me to be around my group of friends. Almost all of them have 2 children and actually 1 just told me that she is pregnant with her 3rd. While I am so happy for her, I just can't help but be upset that it's not me. I feel unwelcomed or like a don't fit in with them. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to be friends with them. At first I tried to put it off on them, but have actually come to the awareness / realization that it is me. I have not shared this struggle / battle with any of them. They are aware that I have PCOS and LPD, but not that we are and have been TTC since the end of August / beginning of September 2009. When asked if we will have more kids (which is not very often by them), I always tell them we aren't sure or not yet. I just hate to feel vulnerable and be pitied or felt sorry for. I just don't feel I can open that part up to them. I have shared other struggles with them and didn't get the support I needed / wanted / hoped for from them, so I can't share this with them.
I started my 2nd round of Clomid on April 23rd (which was CD5) and took it until the 27th (CD9). I started Prometrium on May 2nd (CD14). I have also been charting my temperatures since April 24th. This has just added to the confusion. My temp started around 97.05 then dropped to 96.5, then rose back up to the highest being 97.6. I have not had any other signs of ovulation - mucus or cramps, so I am thinking I have not ovulated this cycle or at least not yet. I am not really sure how to read the chart (for my temps), even though I have read up on it. I am currently on CD20 and have given up hope for this cycle.
We attended a friends' baby shower. It was actually for their 2nd child. While I am so happy for them, I can't help be a little pissed. This friend didn't even know if they wanted kids and now she gets blessed with 2! I know it is harsh for me to say that or even feel that way. She is a really good friend. Probably close to the best or most supportive friend I have, but it is still hard to swallow. I haven't even been able to bring myself to share this struggle of TTC with her, either. It's almost like a Jekyl / Hyde thing. I am so happy for them, yet so jealous, angry, pissed, etc that it is not me.
My friends have scheduled a few playdates / get togethers that I have just skipped because I just can't be around them. It is so difficult. They don't understand what I am going through. I know I haven't told them. I haven't shared it with them and they are not mind readers, but still I just feel like I don't belong with them and can't be around them. I have started withdrawing from a lot of public situations because it is so upsetting to see someone pregnant or with multiple children. I have tried to be OK with it and put my trust in God, but somedays it seems that it is thrown in my face. I have thought of talking to someone at our church about our secondary infertility and seeking counseling for it. But I just don't know how to start the conversation. The other night I just lied in bed next to DH crying. He doesn't know what to say and doesn't understand fully. He wants another child, but says if we can't have one of our own we will adopt. I know that I would love any child that we adopted and have always wanted to adopt, but didn't think I would be "forced to it". I guess I struggle with, why me? What did I do to deserve to not be able to have any more biological children? Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have DD. She is such a joy. She is what makes me go on. She is the light of my life. I enjoy her so much.
This struggle is obviously very personal and I have looked to the Bible for answers and have been praying to God for answers. If His answer is no, I pray that He gives me the courage and strength to cope with that. I do know that deep down His plan is what is best for me. I do trust in that.
So I will humor myself and test in 9 days like my ob/gyn told me too. The good news / light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I called the specialist and they were able to schedule us for May 24th. I was happy and confident with this date because at that point we should know for sure whether this 2nd round of Clomid has worked. I was hoping it wouldn't come to seeking the help of a specialist (not that I feel above it, just wanted it to come the easy way). Of course, I was also hoping that it wouldn't come down to us having to start Clomid and we have for 2 rounds now. I guess I just need to learn to deal with it better.
I started my 2nd round of Clomid on April 23rd (which was CD5) and took it until the 27th (CD9). I started Prometrium on May 2nd (CD14). I have also been charting my temperatures since April 24th. This has just added to the confusion. My temp started around 97.05 then dropped to 96.5, then rose back up to the highest being 97.6. I have not had any other signs of ovulation - mucus or cramps, so I am thinking I have not ovulated this cycle or at least not yet. I am not really sure how to read the chart (for my temps), even though I have read up on it. I am currently on CD20 and have given up hope for this cycle.
We attended a friends' baby shower. It was actually for their 2nd child. While I am so happy for them, I can't help be a little pissed. This friend didn't even know if they wanted kids and now she gets blessed with 2! I know it is harsh for me to say that or even feel that way. She is a really good friend. Probably close to the best or most supportive friend I have, but it is still hard to swallow. I haven't even been able to bring myself to share this struggle of TTC with her, either. It's almost like a Jekyl / Hyde thing. I am so happy for them, yet so jealous, angry, pissed, etc that it is not me.
My friends have scheduled a few playdates / get togethers that I have just skipped because I just can't be around them. It is so difficult. They don't understand what I am going through. I know I haven't told them. I haven't shared it with them and they are not mind readers, but still I just feel like I don't belong with them and can't be around them. I have started withdrawing from a lot of public situations because it is so upsetting to see someone pregnant or with multiple children. I have tried to be OK with it and put my trust in God, but somedays it seems that it is thrown in my face. I have thought of talking to someone at our church about our secondary infertility and seeking counseling for it. But I just don't know how to start the conversation. The other night I just lied in bed next to DH crying. He doesn't know what to say and doesn't understand fully. He wants another child, but says if we can't have one of our own we will adopt. I know that I would love any child that we adopted and have always wanted to adopt, but didn't think I would be "forced to it". I guess I struggle with, why me? What did I do to deserve to not be able to have any more biological children? Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have DD. She is such a joy. She is what makes me go on. She is the light of my life. I enjoy her so much.
This struggle is obviously very personal and I have looked to the Bible for answers and have been praying to God for answers. If His answer is no, I pray that He gives me the courage and strength to cope with that. I do know that deep down His plan is what is best for me. I do trust in that.
So I will humor myself and test in 9 days like my ob/gyn told me too. The good news / light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I called the specialist and they were able to schedule us for May 24th. I was happy and confident with this date because at that point we should know for sure whether this 2nd round of Clomid has worked. I was hoping it wouldn't come to seeking the help of a specialist (not that I feel above it, just wanted it to come the easy way). Of course, I was also hoping that it wouldn't come down to us having to start Clomid and we have for 2 rounds now. I guess I just need to learn to deal with it better.
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